The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Washington D.C (BTZ News) - Tourists around Washington D.C. had a little excitement added to their visit to the Nations Capitol. This was because of the main attraction at the Washington D.C. National Zoo, Rosalee the Elephant; and they didn’t have to pay admission to see her act.

Rosalee was having her daily bath in preparation for her afternoon show, when her handler forgot to reattach her to the leg shackle. Zoo officials assume Rosalee, who is a very curious animal to begin with, decided to take a walk. When she exited her personal area she wandered upon the rear exit of the zoo and proceeded to walk out.

“It’s absolutely amazing that she wasn’t spotted prior to reaching the Capitol lawn.” said the acting Director of the Zoo, Steven Monfort, “That’s a long walk for anyone, and for a full grown elephant to go unnoticed is beyond me.”

How the next events unfolded has many democrats in an uproar.

The Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer has his own opinion on the event: “Why an elephant and why on the “left” side of the lawn? I’m glad she (the elephant) is fine but this just can’t be a coincidence; this has conspiracy written all over it. If it’s just a coincidence then so be it, but if a loose donkey wondered on to the Capitol lawn and made number 2 on the “right” side of the lawn I’m sure the Republican’s would respond in the same manner. I heard the Rush once worked in the circus…I bet he knows how to train elephants.”

The Republican Party, which can’t afford any more bad press has opted to respond with only a short message: "If you are sitting on the Capitol steps it is clear that the elephant went to the bathroom on the "right" side of the lawn"; an investigation is ongoing by Democratic Leaders.

It is obvious that there is still a major line between Parties here in Washington. If something as trivial as an elephant going to the bathroom on the Capitol lawn has both sides arguing because of which side of the lawn the animal pooped on, then these people are proving they have way too much time on their hands and we as a country need to think about this before the next election.

This year’s spotlight get-the-getter is on Cleatus Clemper, a farmer in northern Pennsylvania. Clemper comes from a small community and is considered by many the town jokester. Over the years Clemper has short-changed sheets, removed clothing and towels from bathrooms while someone was in the shower, put salt on people toothbrushes, and has placed cups of water on the top of partially opened doors, to name a few. This year many knew they could be the next victim so a few townsmen got together and made a plan.

On the evening of March 31st the men drove up to Clemper’s farm and snuck over to the penned area where his donkey lived. In a giant pot the men had filled a splendid mixture of baked beans, beats, apricots, laxatives and sleeping piles. Then they fed as much of it as possible to the donkey. Before the donkey could fall asleep the men led the donkey up to the front porch. They turned the donkey around so its backside was facing an open window and tied it so there was no way it could move. The donkey would fall asleep and then do what a donkey does when fed beans, beats, apricots and laxatives! This would be the best April Fools Day prank the town had ever seen!

At 3:17 am a light popped on Clemper’s bedroom; a few seconds later the living room, and following that the kitchen light popped on where the open window resided. “What the hell!” yelled Clemper as he flicked on the porch light and kicked open the screen door next to the donkey. “What the F$#@ are you doin’ up here, and dammit what IS THAT SMELL!!”

What happened next would put this day on the town’s permanent calendar.

Clemper was mumbling something under his breath as he walked over to the railing where the donkey was tied and untied it. As soon as he gave the rope a little tug the donkey was startled awake. The donkey was totally confused and began to hee-haw and kick. Then, without hesitation had a bowel explosion that splattered all over the house and porch. As the before mentioned items the donkey ate were the primary cause for this, the second round was a bit less then solid then the first and with tremendous force behind it quickly flowed towards the open screen door. Clemper noticed this and quickly ran for the door. Not noticing the slippery substance beneath his feet, Clemper began to lose his balance slipped forward. Trying to quickly catch his balance he continued to lose his balance but this time he fell backwards towards the donkey’s back side. All of his weight was on the side of the donkey and when he went to brace himself on the donkey, Clemper’s hand slid across the donkey's backside and his fist slid right into the donkey's ass! Not being able to slow down his momentum, gravity continued to pull him downward but the position of his arm was not going to give and the fall broke his arm.

So there lay Clemper...on his knees and unable to stand, covered in donkey-doo with his arm raised over his head and his fist......stuck up his Ass.