The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008: gross

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New ShamWow® Toilet Paper Introduced. ShamGross!

You know the ads and you probably know the product. The ShamWow® ads are plastered across all media outlets with the spiky-haired dude named Vince explaining the amazing absorption quality of the ShamWow® . The ads claim that the ShamWow® can hold 12 times its own weight, it can easily remove cola, wine and pet stains, doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess, machine washable and bleachable and lasts ten years. Because of the above, purchasing the ShamWow® will save you time and money and so far has been a great success. So successful that the ShamWow® Company is expanding into a direction that many are finding a bit icky.

Here is the rough copy of how the ad will sound:

“Hi everyone, it’s me Vince again. I’m here introducing the new ShamWow® TP! Don’t wipe and drop it in the toilet. No, not anymore folks! Let's wipe and then throw it in the sink. You heard me! Front side or back side it doesn’t matter! Just rinse, squeeze, then place it on the specially designed ShamWow® TP Holder and it’s ready for the next person! Save the environment, don’t pollute it! You’ll not only save hundreds of dollars a year in toilet paper costs but you will be helping in saving the planet too. ShamWow® TP. It’s cool to wipe and reuse!”

Many people (mostly the tree-hugging crunchy-granola’s) are praising the idea stating how getting back to basics will clean the environment, where stock holders are holing their breath. One can only image how the public will react.

If successful it is being reported that ShamWow® will also experiment with several other ideas. ShamWow® Diapers is next to roll off the assembly line being dubbed the cloth diaper of the future. If successful this will be followed by a special ShamWow® for ladies: Yes, you guessed it. ShamPons® and ShamPads®.

ShamGross!

Eight Year Old Create's Record Size "Booger Ball".

Mittsburgh, OK – Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when children ages 6-15 gather in a central location here in the United States for the annual “Gross Me Out Awards”. This is where children are free to put together something that will gross out a panel of judges. The winner will be someone who obviously can gross the panel out the most.

All who enter have their ideas submitted to a committee who then validate that whatever the child is going to do is safe. The idea is to have some fun and to not endanger any contestants so being creative is also essential.

This year’s winner goes to young eight year old Dudley Dawson of Meauwcus, RI. Since Dudley first heard of this competition two years ago he began creating a “Booger Ball” in hopes of winning the award.

In a private exhibit hall the committee went through all of the contestants to choose the top three to meet with the judges and the committee were very impressed with Dawson’s creation. Not only had he collected all his “boogers” for the last two years, he also documented each one and how it was removed (index finger and pinkie finger were his more popular methods), also when and where. Several were removed from a kleenex after a sneeze and even some had to be placed in his pocket if removed away from home. But what was most noticeable was the care that was taken for his “Booger Ball”. Dawson created a glass case with similar traits of a humidor, so not only was the Booger Ball disgusting, it was also moist!

When Dawson went before the judges he gracefully walked up to the judges table with a very professional and serious look upon his face. He turned the glass case so the judges cold inspect all sides. He then set the case down on the table and removed two latex gloves from his pocket and stretched them over his extended fingers. Dawson then lifted the ball off of the table and demonstrated the moistness by gently squishing it between his fingers. Then Dawson slowly removed one hand from his Booger Ball demonstrating to the judges the long strings of wet mucus that now extended from the ball to his removed hand. Each judge sat there with mouths open in awe of the demonstration, and although it was apparent that Dawson was going to win the competition he did something that would not leave doubt in anyone’s mind. Yes, that's right....he took a bite.

Woman finds a bat in her coffee filter!

This is a true story:

It is definitely the Halloween season and no more so then in the Midwest of the United States. The Associated Press reports that a woman in Iowa found a bat in her coffee filter! The woman had reported a bat in her home but never worried about it. That was a mistake! It was reported that she "turned on her automatic coffee maker before she went to bed and had her coffee the next morning. They said she discovered the bat in the filter in the coffee maker when she went to clean it out that night."

So she literally drank bat flavored coffee! There's a flavor that will probably not get mass produced!

It was also reported that the bat was sent to a lab for testing but the brain was too cooked by the brewing water to determine if it had rabies. The woman has to under go rabies treatment.

I wonder if she will ever brew a pot of coffee again without checking...will you?

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New ShamWow® Toilet Paper Introduced. ShamGross!

Eight Year Old Create's Record Size "Booger Ball".

Woman finds a bat in her coffee filter!

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