The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Kellogg’s Corp. today made a surprising announcement that instead of firing Michael Phelps as most predicted they are embracing him changing their entire ad campaign.

Pedro De Pacas, President of Advertising for Kellogg’s explains, “We have always focused on families when producing our breakfast cereal and never really tapped into the “stoner” market. Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger were both the brainchild of one of our top engineers during an acid flashback so we feel Frosted Flakes has now comefull circle.“

De Pacas continued. “Angered at the quickness that regular Corn Flakes became soggy, he experimented on sticking sugar to the flakes one evening while he was hallucinating. Once the experiment was completed he ate them exclaiming, “They’re Great!” and looking at himself in the mirror scared himself silly as his refection looked like a cartoon tiger. The next evening while he was recovering he smoked some marijuna and proceeded to eat 7 bowls of his new creation.”

In recent studies Kellogg’s has also realized that even though their target market has been children there are more young adults eating Frosted Flakes. It seems in the pot smoking underworld Frosted Flakes is like the Filet Mignon of munchies. Phelps’s recent idiocy has opened the door to a market that until now has never been explored.

"We have been wating for this door to open." De Pacas says. “We understand that we could take a serious hit here (no pun intended) but we feel it’s worth a shot.”

Effexor is a very common antidepressant that is prescribed for depressive disorders, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder and has been a miracle drug for thousands of sufferers. This is not the case for Carl Spackler.

Spackler and many others who have been diagnosed with one of the disorders Effexor remedies, have opted against taking the drug. Why? Because one the major side effects is reported to give users problems with their joints.

"I said no way man! My joints are my life" Spackler explained. "If I have problems with my joints I can't function. I read somewhere that some dude said after taking Effexor his joints made him walk around feeling like he was ninety and the dude was in his fifties!" He continued, "I admit sometimes my joints make me want to sit around the house just watchin' reruns of Welcome Back Kotter; oh that Vinnie Barbarino...I love that dude. Wait, what was I taking about? Oh yeah, my joints! But wanting to sit around doesn't mean I want to feel old."

Several hundred men and women who were also against the drug because of this side effect had similar reasons.

Dr. Jeremiah Feelgood disagrees with the patients. "Depressions and anxiety are serious problems. They can lead people down roads that have no return and even death. We can help these people and the unfortunate pain side effect can be remedied as well. I admit that the side effect is unfortunate but with proper therapy we can help. It's more important to get the mind well. The body will follow."

Spakler's response was a little surprising, "Whoa! Some people's joints make their bodies hurt? That's bogus, man. My joints make my body and mind feel so good and so relaxed. I put on some tunes and just chill. I might be depressed but at least I feel good."

After the last comment made by Spakler it was realized there was a dreadful miscommunication between doctors and many patients. When the realization came to light, that this certain group wasn't referring to their body joints but the joints that are rolled and filled with cannabis, diagnoses were immediately changed. Many of the people that had the depression misdiagnosis had their charts rewritten and changed to 'possible drug addiction'.

"We should have realized something was wrong when most of the complaining individuals were also the ones whose diets were out of control." Dr. Feelgood explained. "If you look in their files they were all categorized as 'severe snackers, and until now we thought that was the connection. I can't believe we all missed this."

Most cases have been withdrawn from the Effexor group and their cases transferred. Upon the realization that they were not depressed all the time just stoned, most of them went back to their lives as web designers and pizza deliverers. Although there was a small percentage of the group that were admitted to rehab with an Effexor addiction.