The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Parents around the world are having to explain to their children why someone may have killed the beloved Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

A hunter was shocked by what he saw when he came up on the young deer that he had just shot and killed. "It was a perfect morning, the sun had just come up and the cold temperature gave the surface of the snow a nice crunch." said avid hunter Paul B. Onion, "I was in my tree stand and heard him coming. I watched with excitement as he walked right into my clear line of sight. The deer position was perfect so I shot him." Onion continued, "He went right down so I didn't have to to any tracking. As I approached the deer I noticed that the sun was just breaking through the trees and a ray of light shown upon his head. Imaging my surprise when I looked at his face to see a nose that was much closer to red then black. My instant reaction was 'HOLY S%$! I killed Rudolph!' This may sound corny but with the sun shining on his face the way it was, looking at his nose I would have even said it glowed!"

When Onion brought the deer into his local checkpoint it was obvious he wasn't the only one who made the Rudolph claim. A few even diverted some of the children's eyes who were present. "The red nose was the first thing everyone noticed."

The Game Warden tried to calm some people's nerves by making a statement. "It is obvious that the red on this deer nose is not genetic but more of a result from a fight or a fall and the nose was damaged and the result is apparent." That wasn't enough to hinder one news paper to title their article as "Rudolph is Dead!" This caused an immediate uproar and there has been no comment as of yet from the paper.

"I ended up taking a black permanent marker and coloring the deers nose before bringing it home. I have two young children at home." Onion said. "It was all I could think of to do." Onion concluded, "All I know for sure is that I'm praying there isn't a snowstorm on Christmas Eve.....just in case."

It was a picture-perfect day for Santa to make his Holiday entrance. The temperature was just right, the snow was gently falling and Christmas music was being piped gently through hidden speakers strategically placed all around the small park. Children of all ages were gathering for the evening arrival of Jolly Old St. Nick.
The smallest awaited for him anxiously, many preparing their wish lists and gathering up the courage to sit on the big guys lap.

Finally he arrived! Walking through the crowd with a giant sack thrown over his shoulder. He was waving and bellowing a "Ho! Ho! Ho!" to all. Many cheered and children stood on their tip-toes to see the man in red.

Not one person realized that this Santa was an impostor.

Earlier in the day Earnie Binkens was sitting at his local pub drinking with a few friends. Binkens had lost his job and was feeling down. Someone suggested that giving presents, no matter how small, could be therapeutic and maybe that was something he should consider. After several more drinks Binkens mind wandered and without notice he arose from his seat and quickly left the bar.

As he was walking around he noticed a Santa Suit hanging on the outside of a trailer in a make-shift tree lot. He grabbed the suit and ran.

As Binkens walked by the children waving he noticed a fenced in area that had a few reindeer. He once worked in a rodeo and this gave him an idea. There was a tiny sleigh that had a fake Santa and elves sitting in it. He very gently removed them and dragged the sleigh into the fenced in area, took a rope and attached it to the reindeer's reigns. Then with a smile and wink to the children he yelled "ON BLITZEN!" which startled the reindeer and the deer began to pull the sleigh. Binken's yelled out "Merry Christmas" over and over again, and began to throw out small presents that he had in his Santa sack. He disappeared into the night among cheers and laughter.

The scene was enjoyed by all.

It wasn't for a couple of hours until everything had been put together by park officials and the police. They immediately put out a search for Santa and his sleigh.

Binken's was found several miles away still being pulled by the reindeer and shouting "Merry Christmas" to everyone he saw. He was immediately arrested and the Santa Suit and the reindeer were returned unharmed.

Suzanne Steeplton had worked for the Florida Transportation Bureau (FTB) for 36 years. She was always on time, would work weekends and holidays when asked, and always had a smile on her face. She was the perfect employee; until now. After 2 short hours of work on December 1st Steeplton was fired for handing out beer to every car that came through. Although many drivers found this very entertaining and had no complaints, when a 16 year old brought home the beer to his mother, the mother was outraged and immediately called the FTB.

A Senior Representative drove up to Steepleton's booth only to be greeted with a smile and handed an icy cold Bud. While mildly amused, the representative closed Steepleton's booth and brought her down to headquarters. She was immediately fired and also arrested for distributing alcohol to a minor.

Steepleton claims her innocence and explained herself with the following statement:

I was participating in the required monthly Toll Booth Attendant's conference where we learned December's motto." At the age of 71, Steepleton was a little hard of hearing and on this day she claims was having trouble with her hearing aids. "I swear that I heard the speaker say the theme of the month was "Holiday Beer", and even though I questioned what I heard I asked my good friend Edith Jones who was sitting next to me if that's what he said. Edith confirmed that the motto was "Holiday Beer" and that we were supposed to be extra pleasant while manning our booths. As a bonus we were all told that whoever displayed the most holiday spirit in their toll booths and delivered the most holiday beer, would receive a brand new car. As you can see I did exactly what I was told!"

Although several people sympathized with her there was no way that she could keep her job but was let go with all her retirement benefits in tact. As for the crime she faced, the prosecutor's offered her a plea deal and she was given a small fine and probation.

It was also reported the the new Anheuser-Busch Company wants to use Steepleton in an upcoming holiday commercial where she will get to hand out beer to passers by in a make-shift toll booth placed in Times Square while dressed up as Mrs. Clause.