The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

A harmless children’s game has made its way into law enforcement for a small town just outside of Turtle Lake, North Dakota.

With a poor economy and lack or town funding, Sheriff R.P Train has taken on the duties of being the lone member of the law enforcement team as well as the town judge.

“The best course of action is a swift course of action” Sheriff Train explains. “Unless you killed someone or hurt someone real bad, I’m gonna give you a speedy and fair trial. You’ll go to jail or go home. No waitin’.” How does the Sheriff decide who’s going to jail? “I challenge ‘em to a Thumb-War.”

Several in the community are unsure of the Sheriff’s methods. “He’s lettin’ criminals go if they can beat him at thumb-wrestlin’ for Pete’s sake. That ain’t right!”

The Sheriff doesn’t deny this, but he also claims he has never been beat. “I fine ‘em, put it in there permanent record then challenge them to a thumb-war. If they lose they hit the cell for at least 24 hours. The little ones also get an atomic wedgie and I hang ‘em from the flag pole for an hour or two. Then I let passers-by throw shit at ‘em. Yup, I leave a bucket of horse shit right out there.”

The Sheriff understands that this may not be the best solution, but with their current situation it’s the best option available. “It’s a small community so I’m hopeful this method will get us through this tough patch. Hey, if it works I’ll keep doin’ it. If not, when we can afford it I’ll re-hire the judge and get me a deputy.”

So far crime is down 7% so even those who are skeptical understand that some good is coming from the Sheriff’s methods. The only downside to all of this is that the money the town was saving was almost immediately dissolved. The local physician had to bring in an expert to perform a procedure that he was not familiar with. This doctor was a specialist in the field of Wedgscropothagy. Wedgscropothagy is the removal of objects imbedded deep into the atrix-quadrant of the anal sphincter.

Everyone is aware of the difficult times the world economy is going through and many have used this to their advantage. Take Geico for example: They have been using a Gecko and cavemen to promote their services for many years and now have introduced a stack of money with eyeballs. This gives potential customers a visual on what the money looks like that they could save by switching to Geico. This "Money-Stack Guy" (or G-Stack) is also accompanied by music, although the money stack has no legs so it does not dance.

In previous reports there have been documented cases of the cavemen and the Gecko not getting along (http://braintwinkey.blogspot.com/2008/09/geico-gecko-and-caveman-ad-fails.html ) and even an instance where a caveman ate one of the Gecko stunt men. But never a case so unfortunate is this:

Tough times has many scrambling to save money and spend less but the recent incident with G-Stack has some now fearing for their life. G-Stack's contract doesn't pay very much for the first year but first year success could put the next years salary up near the Cavemen and Gecko. Unfortunately that wasn't helping G-Stack's immediate problem so it decided to deposit itself into a Money Market Account to grow some interest. This way in a few months it could go out and get a place of its own, similar to a college graduate moving home after graduation. Although the plan seemed like a good idea, G-Stack didn't realize he was signing it's own death warrant.

The problem that G-Stack was not aware of was that its denominations would instantly be split up when entering the banks cash drawer and then these denominations would be handed out to people but most likely separate. G-Stack vision of being placed in a private room where over time more pieces would be added to his "stack" was quickly quashed when at the Bank Teller Window took its eyes. G-Stack's eyes were plucked from its body and placed next to two Troll Dolls, a messed up Rubik's Cube and a mini fan. G-Stack then watched as the Teller ripped its body apart and placed its different pieces into different slots in a drawer till then slammed shut. G-Stack was mortified but felt at the least its parts were safe. This was until some human came to the window and signed the back of a piece of paper, handing it to the teller. G-Stack watched as several of its body parts were torn from the till and handed to this stranger. If G-Stack was more then just a pair of eyes he would have screamed!

Representatives from the Geico Ad Company became aware of the situation but it was too late. Although they found the pair of eyeballs, all of the original denominations were gone. A brief service was held for G-Stack but fans were assured that G-Stacks replacement would work as hard as it could to fill G-Stacks shoes, even though G-Stack had no feet.

Today the world morns....

As the end of 2008 draws nears the economy problem is still front and center. May companies are cutting costs by any means possible and often people are losing their jobs. The fast food industry is not immune to this and they are attempting to cut-costs without having staff lose their jobs. This has been described as a very "noble" gesture although many feel it's not possible. The companies are trying to take care of their employees as well as the companies future and many have taken notice.
In order to cut costs the latest experiment has been to drop the high cooking costs that use up a large amount of the business dollars. Any way to cut costs in cooking can only be a benefit to each companies continued growth.

Several fast food chains are offering a new type of uncooked sandwich. This sandwich, called the 'mini-chickie' (see photo) may change the way fast-food restaurants prepare their food. By serving the sandwiches in this manner the fast food companies can reduce the cost of cooking for these delicious little sandwiches and they can even raise the price. The sandwiches hold an "entertainment value" said one manager of a local fast food chain. "It takes the eating of a sandwich to a new level. I think people really enjoy it!"

Each sandwich comes with a drink, bib, fries, extra napkins, a small billy club and a toothpick.

Throw away the turkey grandma, KFC is taking over! In an announcement that may change the face of Thanksgiving, KFC will now offer a complete four-person Thanksgiving Dinner for only $29.95. "We decided that it was time for the holiday to change a bit" said Justin Voorhees, the new CEO of KFC, "Turkey has ruled the roost since the days of the Pilgrim. That's about to change. We are going to take twenty pound chickens and deep fry the whole thing. Biscuits, potatoes, cranberry, stuffing and pumpkin pie, all the fixins!" When we asked him what prompted the decision Voorhees said that the economy has people cutting back and the traditional holiday meal is not affordable to many. "If you went out and purchased all the normal items that goes with a turkey dinner you can spend from $200 -$2,000 dollars if not more!" Vorhees explained. "Anyone who wants all those fabulous herbs and spices they have grown to love over the years, mixed in with a Thanksgiving feast then pre-order your meals by November 22nd and not only will you get a fabulous meal but it's affordable as well!"

Rufus Davidson purchased Gladstones just as gas prices were climbing and the demand for gas was decreasing because of this. Gas prices were the topic of almost every conversation and Davidson said he grew tired of gas prices being referred to incorrectly. "I would always here folks talkin' 'bout the cost of gas and the price. For example a customer would say "I can't believe gas is $3.95 a gallon" when actually in was $3.95 and 9/10 which is basically $3.96."

This led to Davidson making the change.His dilemma was to round the price up or down. With the economy the way it is rounding down would lose him money. Rounding up would make his gas prices look higher then his competitors even though it would only be one-tenth of a cent. "I was havin' what some may call a conundrum" said Davidson. "My first real managerial test...and it was a lulu!" He decided to round up and to his surprise many took immediate notice and many praised the change. "I never did understood dat" said Cletus Buford, a local who was purchasing gas. He continued, "Seemed perty darn silly if ya ask me.......oh ya, you just did."

Davidson's change in price has actually increased his sales and many who these days have to be strict in their budgets are pleased. "It's much easier to do the math" one anonymous purchaser told us.

"I actually have more customers now then I did before" Davidson concludes, "I guess it was the right decision."

C.P Trombley summed up what most locals are feeling. "If I can quote the great Ted Theodore Logan," Trombley continued, "Most unprecedented Rufus...most unprecedented."