The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Child Suspended For Throwing Paper Airplane Near Statue For School Paper Photo

Bradonville, S.D. (BTZ News) – Little Stevie Beakman was enjoying his first assignment as the school newspapers photographer and was hoping to get a shot that was front page material. He loved photography and was enjoying his Sony Cyber-shot H20 that he just received for his eleventh birthday. He had a brilliant idea for a comedy story about paper airplanes flying too low over the school and disrupting classes. He did a little research and found a great design for a paper airplane, made a few and headed to school.

It was a beautiful sunny Thursday morning and there was only a gentle breeze; perfect paper airplane flying weather, and a perfect morning to capture his idea. Beakman set up his try-pod at a perfect up-angle to catch the head and raised arm of statue that sat affront the school’s main entrance. His Cyber-Shot remote control in one hand and his other hand free to throw the paper airplanes over the statue for the perfect shot.

He began to throw them, one after the other, clicking his remote feverishly in hopes to grab the image he so desired. What Beakman was unaware of were the children in the windows of the school who were looking out. Possibly daydreaming, maybe looking at the birds or just accidental looking that way while solving a math problem. Whatever their reasons many children panicked at the sight of these unknown objects and some even ran from their classrooms as the objects continued to fly. A few children pulled out their cell phones and captured video of the event, and then the bell rang. Beakman, unaware of the havoc he caused picked up the planes and the tri-pod, quickly stuffing them into his book bag and rushed off to his next class.

That afternoon the Principal made an announcement asking the individual or individuals responsible for causing the disturbance to turn themselves in. Beakman, who still had no idea about what his photo-op had caused, was confused and unsure what to do. He went to the Principal and explained himself and apologized repeatedly claiming he had no idea that his actions would cause trouble. He was instantly suspended for not informing the school of his plan. He was asked to give the Principal the memory card from his camera so she could see the photos but Beakman refused. That evening several students uploaded their videos to YouTube.

The next day Beakman’s parents called the Principal and they were FURIOUS at their son. They apologized and said their son made a huge mistake and they were hopeful he could return to school soon.

After a two day suspension Beakman gave the memory card to the Principal, but not before he downloaded the pictures and sent them to his editor. His picture and story made the front page.

Elephant Escapes D.C. Zoo–Relieves Self on “Left” Side of Capitol Lawn

Washington D.C (BTZ News) - Tourists around Washington D.C. had a little excitement added to their visit to the Nations Capitol. This was because of the main attraction at the Washington D.C. National Zoo, Rosalee the Elephant; and they didn’t have to pay admission to see her act.

Rosalee was having her daily bath in preparation for her afternoon show, when her handler forgot to reattach her to the leg shackle. Zoo officials assume Rosalee, who is a very curious animal to begin with, decided to take a walk. When she exited her personal area she wandered upon the rear exit of the zoo and proceeded to walk out.

“It’s absolutely amazing that she wasn’t spotted prior to reaching the Capitol lawn.” said the acting Director of the Zoo, Steven Monfort, “That’s a long walk for anyone, and for a full grown elephant to go unnoticed is beyond me.”

How the next events unfolded has many democrats in an uproar.

The Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer has his own opinion on the event: “Why an elephant and why on the “left” side of the lawn? I’m glad she (the elephant) is fine but this just can’t be a coincidence; this has conspiracy written all over it. If it’s just a coincidence then so be it, but if a loose donkey wondered on to the Capitol lawn and made number 2 on the “right” side of the lawn I’m sure the Republican’s would respond in the same manner. I heard the Rush once worked in the circus…I bet he knows how to train elephants.”

The Republican Party, which can’t afford any more bad press has opted to respond with only a short message: "If you are sitting on the Capitol steps it is clear that the elephant went to the bathroom on the "right" side of the lawn"; an investigation is ongoing by Democratic Leaders.

It is obvious that there is still a major line between Parties here in Washington. If something as trivial as an elephant going to the bathroom on the Capitol lawn has both sides arguing because of which side of the lawn the animal pooped on, then these people are proving they have way too much time on their hands and we as a country need to think about this before the next election.

Billy Mays Hospitalized After Using “Awesome Auger”

"Hi, Billy Mays here, and if you know me you probably know that I sell a bunch of crap on T.V." is the way all of his infomercials should begin.

Mays and his product endorsements are always on the television somewhere and almost unavoidable. You either are amused or annoyed, and if you are like millions of American’s you may have bought in to his shtick. His friendly smile, blue collar shirt and convincing delivery has many who wish to sell their products on T.V. lining up. Most are paying him thousands of dollars to get the Billy Mays stamp of approval as the man can, (if I can quote a line from the movie “Tommy Boy”) can “sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.”

This past weekend that may have all changed.

An ambulance was sent to the Mays household, as Billy was found hunched over next to his garden, unable to move. Mays was using the "Awesome Auger" to plant some spring flowers and the awkward motion the auger forces your body in to twisted the muscle in his back in a not-so-normal way, and left him stiff as a board.

Once at the hospital the doctors immediately noticed an odd discoloring to the soles of Mays feet. It seems that the dye from his “Impact Gel Insoles” has stained the bottom of his feet, and it’s permanent.

During Mays’ physical it came to be noted that Mays also has a very limited sense of smell. While at his home investigators were overwhelmed by the strange odor and most were unable to enter his residence. Another one of Mays’ endorsements, “What Odor?” was used throughout his home and was determined the culprit. “What Odor?” is advertised as saying, “Use it once and you’ll be saying “What Odor?”. That’s because the spray kills your sense of taste and smell so obviously you won’t smell the odor you’re trying to cover!

"Yes that is correct" said Dr. Oxicleen, of Metro Station Hospital. "Mr. Mays has a severe back injury as the result of an accident while working in his yard; and yes, there is a strange discoloring to the soles of his feet; and yes, Mr. Mays has a very limited sense of smell and taste. And finally, yes, his clothes had to be thrown away as they reeked of chemicals from some kind of stain removing product that to the best of our knowledge,didn't work."

Billy Mays endorsements have been like gold for many inventors, but if he continues to use the products he is endorsing he may never work again. The best thing for Mays to do now is to take some “Might Putty” (Mighty Putty is the easy way to fix, fill and seal virtually anything. Now can you repair any job big or small) and cover his mouth.

Of course that shit probably doesn’t work either.

Global Warming Proved to be Caused Primarily by Body Heat – Reptiles Furious.

Washington D.C - Al Gore and Bono (lead singer of U2) who are two of the biggest names in the forefront of the Global Warming debate must be shocked to realize that no matter what they do try and reverse the so called warming of the planet, everyday they are alive they are part of the cause. As it turns out the more they talk the more they are hurting the planet!

The newest theory regarding Global Warming makes so much sense it’s amazing no one realized this before. Most think Global Warming is the result of so called greenhouse gases which include carbon dioxide, methane, nitrogen oxide etc. the gases have created an effect of green house on the earths surface which prevents the reflection of the rays from sun and thus causes the increase in temperature. Carbon dioxide concentration in the air has increased due to the emissions from cars, airplanes, power plants, industries etc. But our bodies produce heat and when we breath out we expel Carbon Dioxide.

Reptiles couldn't be more upset at the results. Binja, King of the Snakes was most outraged by the finding and is currently venting his frustration on an unsuspecting owl. Many reptiles are now killing their warm blooded prey for spite! Many reptile feel they are doing more to save the planet by attacking and killing warm blooded animals then Gore ever did. The planet is overpopulated with warm-blooded creatures and the reptiles believe the best way to save the world is to have less mammals.

Nobody knows where this will lead.

Whatever the results, it now seems that if everyone just shut their mouths we might be better off.

Inflatable Doll Company Recalls Thousands of “Mary Dolls” Because of STD

The world’s largest producer of “adult” toys has issued an urgent recall of over 75,000 inflatable sex dolls because the dolls reportedly have an STD. The Company, “Solo-Love” immediately posted the recall after three warehouse inspectors were diagnosed with STD’s. Reports are also coming in from all over the world with individuals who claim to be in a monogamous relationship with a doll, coming down with a variety of STD’s.

A statement was released from the Solo-Love Company:

“We here at Solo-Love have always produced the highest quality of adult toy and we are devastated to find out or most popular item, the Mary Doll, is carrying an STD. We are giving all customers a 100% no-questions asked refund as well a $25 gift card for their next purchase. We are terribly sorry about this.”

To most the apology is not enough. One anonymous individual is refusing to return his Mary Doll. “I love her.” He told us. “She is my friend and my lover and I’m not just going to throw her away. You don’t just throw away a loved one because they are sick. There must be something I can do to cure her.” When we informed him the recall wasn’t because the doll was “sick” but because he could get the STD she was carrying, he had no response.

As the situation escalated investigators began to uncover the real truth about the dolls and the STD’s that some are carrying. The three inspectors who were diagnosed with the STD’s not only inspect the dolls as they come off the assembly line they are also instructed to “test-drive” them. Each of these men, as it turns out, all have different STD’s and they tested each doll out without wearing protection, thus infecting the dolls and sending them off.

Jacob Moore of Flatsburgh, Tennessee gave the following statement when he was told about the recall, “That cheating bitch! I knew I smelled cologne the second I began to inflate her! The sex wasn’t that good either. Take her away, I can’t look at her anymore.” Moore was last seen in tears with a balled-up doll heading for the dumpster.

Magnetic Paint in Yankee Stadium Bleachers Causing Home Run Derby In Stadium

14 Home Runs into right field over the first four home games at the New Yankee Stadium has many scratching their heads and wondering if the architecture of the new stadium is to blame. Some are theorizing that the direction the stadium is facing includes a natural breeze that seems to carry routine fly balls over the wall in right field.

While the Yankees are playing away games this weekend the stadium has been packed with meteorologists and other scientists to determine if the wind currents are to blame or is the reason behind the home runs just a combination of bad pitching and/or great hitting.

The preliminary results have them scratching their heads even more.

When the new Yankee Stadium was designed one of the plans was to keep the "look" of the old staduim to the new. A similar look and same field dimensions were atop of the list.

They also didn't want to upset the well known "Bleacher-Creatures" which is the nickname of the bleacher section from the right field seats. This section in the new stadium was also to be designed to mimic the old.

When the right field bleachers were completed it was quickly noted that the color of the seats that were ordered and installed was wrong. In order to copy the color from the old stadium a special paint had to be produced with a unique combination of colors. This way the new seats would actually look worn and discolored and maybe fool the novice Yankee Fan into believing the seats were actually removed and installed from the old stadium.

The unique combination of colors, as well as some metallic substances (used to create the perfect color match) were mixed together. It turns out this combination has created a type of magnetic force that attracts the rubber cement that is used to coat the center of a MLB baseball, towards the seats in right field.

"Ooops!" said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, "Although it's a relief that we at leat know the cause. Although the amount of time it will take to redo the bleacher section will take longer than any road trip the Yankees will take this year so the change will have to occur during the off season."

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is trying to decide if they should just let the season play out, or if they should look into a new design for the official baseball.

"The Yankees are the greatest show on Earth and I will let them choose" said Selig. "They generate so much revenue for the league that upsetting that franchice would be not only a career mistake but it could also ruin the game entirely. I'll talk to the Steinbrenner's and I'm sure if I agree with their decision, at the least they would pay off the mortgage on my Manhatten Pent House."

There has been no comment at this point from the Yankees in response to Selig's comments.

Man Decides To Live Every Day As If It Were His Last – Arrested After Just 2 Hours

Gerald Balzack was not terminally ill. He was not heading to prison and not filing for a divorce; there wasn’t anything wrong with him whatsoever. What he was, was a man in mid-life crises who felt like he was in a rut and a change was needed.

Balzack spent hours looking for answers wherever he could; he read magazines, searched the Internet and watched countless hours of Oprah looking for some kind of a spark only to find nothing. He thought because the world was in its technological stage and information about anything was just a click or two away that his problem would be solved easily and quickly…..he was mistaken.

Then one day while reading the USA Today he opened up to a full page add that was titled, “Live Everyday like it was your last!” It was like being struck by a bolt of lightning.

People who survive life threatening accidents, surgery or anything serious are always saying to live life to the fullest; treat each day like it was your last. This was it! This was the spark he was searching for!

But how do you do that? Balzack began to realize that it takes a total transformation of your mind-set. In order to live each day like it was your last you would have to convince your mind that this day really is your last. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today? Balzack went to bed with a smile on his face as he realized that tomorrow was the first, last day of his life.

Balzack woke up and threw on his bathrobe. As he opened the front door to breath in the fresh morning air the paper boy approached him. Balzack smiled and reached out to receive the paper from the boy. Balzack rolled it up ever so carefully and then smacked the paperboy across the head while laughing hysterically! The paperboy stood in shock only to receive a back-handed smack across the face with the same newspaper. The paperboy turned and ran only to be chased down the front walk while Balzack was swinging the rolled up newspaper, still laughing.

He sat down on his front steps exhausted but was now confident that his new life decision was just what he needed. He carefully began to plan the next part of his day.

Unfortunately for him the paperboy’s father was a police officer and before he could do anything else he was arrested and taken down to the police station. Unable to make bail he sat in a cell until his hearing where he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for aggravated assault on a minor.

During his sentencing the judge told him, "Son...Today is not the last day of your life. Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Democrats in Uproar Over Louisiana Governor’s Flatulence During Obama Discussion

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal who is in the front running for the Republican nominee for the 2012 Presidential election had an unfortunate incident during a recent press conference. Governor Jindal had a very untimely bout with flatulence while answering a question about Obama, although Democrats don’t find the timing accidental whatsoever.

Governor Jindal has been critical of just about everything Obama has done since Obama’s first televised speech. In his recent ranting a reporter asked Governor Jindal if he was willing to reveal his true personal feelings about Obama and his administration. Governor Jindal replied, “What my true feelings about the man are not important. My only concern is what is best for this country and the people who live here. My only goal is to continue what I believe in.”

What has democrats so upset is that during the before mentioned response it appears that Governor Jindal broke wind.

After the statement, “What my true feelings about the man are not important..” you can see the Governor lean slightly to the right. Fortunately for the Governor there happened to be a lot of background noise in the room and no one noticed.

A reporter for CBS News was preparing for the evening news and reviewed the tape; what he uncovered at first seemed not possible so he brought in an audio specialist to assist him in his research. The audio specialist examined the tape and was able to remove several noise layers which uncovered the sound the reporter had hoped to hear. Governor Jindal purposely farted in response to his feelings about Obama.

Democrats across the country are furious and are pressing Governor Jindal to immediately admit his actions and apologize. This would most certainly ruin his chance at running for President and throw another negative spin on a party that is trying to dig itself out of the dirt.

The Governor’s Office posted a statement that says “..whether or not the Governor happened to “break wind” during the days press conference has nothing to do with his opinion of the President. If there was a bodily release it was a natural occurrence and should not be seen as more than that. This Office is appalled at the allegation that the Governor would use a fart to describe his personal feelings about the President. The man is very well educated and surely could come up with a more intellectual response just as he did following the supposed gas release.”

The group "Farts for Freedom" have now endorsed Governor Jindal for the 2012 election.

The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

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Child Suspended For Throwing Paper Airplane Near Statue For School Paper Photo

Elephant Escapes D.C. Zoo–Relieves Self on “Left” Side of Capitol Lawn

Billy Mays Hospitalized After Using “Awesome Auger”

Global Warming Proved to be Caused Primarily by Body Heat – Reptiles Furious.

Inflatable Doll Company Recalls Thousands of “Mary Dolls” Because of STD

Magnetic Paint in Yankee Stadium Bleachers Causing Home Run Derby In Stadium

Man Decides To Live Every Day As If It Were His Last – Arrested After Just 2 Hours

Democrats in Uproar Over Louisiana Governor’s Flatulence During Obama Discussion

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