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“Sex Room” Found on NYSE Floor to Blame for Dow Fluctuation

It had been kept a secret since the Great Depression but as all good things, some thing’s must to come to an end.

The private room in the North West Corner of the NYSE floor had always been thought of as a room where private deals were made but only a select group had keys. It was not a room used often over the years, but in recent months the room has seen an increase in visitors; this was the reason behind the recent investigation.

In documents recovered by an undercover agent, over the last 127 days the room had been visited 341 times. From several unnamed sources, prior to then the room was rarely visited; maybe three or four times in a month.

What was even more unsettling was that each visit into the room was followed by an extreme change in the DOW which led to fear there was something more going on in that room then just deals being made.

Unknowing to anyone, a hired private organization broke into the NYSE and installed hidden cameras in the private room and began a live feed. The results were shocking.

The layout of the room did not appear to be a room where business was being conducted but more like a room you would find in a brothel. Padded shelves, heart-shaped bed, a swing made for two, mirror on the ceiling, a refrigerator filled with whipped cream and strawberries a drawer with several sizes of fundie-undies (underwear with four leg holes) and a ‘quickie” table with padding and handles.

What was even more disturbing was when the room was scanned with high-tech devices an old but still functioning system of some sort was discovered. The “quickie” table and the heart-shaped bed appeared to be wired to one of the Main-Frame computers on the NYSE floor. This one computer was used particularly for predicting trends in the Market and the results this computer generates is a main reason for many to buy or sell. The investigation into the wiring of the sex-room to this Main-Frame computer had a very interesting find.

The private company who began to monitor this room witnessed several twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and even a fivesome enter this room to have sex. Thirty-three times this room was used over a two-week span. Twenty-Seven times the DOW fluctuated in extremes both up and down. Eighteen times the DOW fell and nine times the DOW rose. These results led to the next discovery.
It turns out that the “quickie” table was wired to a pressure plate, so when pressure was applied from the table to the wall a signal was programmed to tell the Main-Frame computer to show results that would cause people to sell. The more times and the faster the pressure was applied the quicker the computer would give results to sell and with more urgency. The same results were found on the bed that was wired in, but the programming from the bed would cause people to buy.

The room has since been shut down and the wiring removed in hopes that the Market will level out and hopefully have a smooth and steady rebound.

So if eighteen out of thirty-three stock brokers prefer a quickie on the table and nine out of the thirty-three stock brokers enjoyed the heart-shaped bed, leaving six stock brokers who like to do it differently, what does this all mean? In a down economy you are going to be much better off if you can look the person you are screwing in the eye.


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