The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

It’s a typical argument that has plagued mankind since the invention of the toilet. Which way should the toilet paper roll? Over the top or down the back? Fist fights over this debate are reported coast to coast; but not at the Springfield, Wisconsin shoe-lace factory.

Enter Dusty Featherman….custodian.

“From the day I hired him I knew he was meant for greatness” said his employer Dave Lace. "He beat out two other candidates because he showed talent outside of the norm for custodial employees.”

So what makes Featherman so unique? He has developed a system that removes the frustration many have upon entering a stall. Whether you remove your toilet paper at the beginning or end or your business, which way the paper rolls will never be a concern as long as Featherman is on the job.

"I would always check the stall to see which way the paper faced!" said one female employee. "I was fired from my last job because I broke the stupid paper holder because I needed to turn the toilet paper roll around! I love Dusty's plan...it's genius! I about never worry about the toilet paper anymore!"

Featherman told us, “On occasion there have been lines on one stall when another is available! Sometimes I spend my lunch hour in there just to watch! It's incredible!”

Each stall has a picture on the outer door of which way the toilet paper in the stall rolls. so Featherman’s customers have a heads-up prior to entrance. Not only does this forewarn the user but it also creates great conversation.

Los Angeles, CA (BTZNEWS) - The much anticipated and very risky release of a new Star Trek movie prequel opened last weekend to rave reviews and over $50 Million dollars in ticket sales. For many this was a relief as Star Trek fans worried about the change as no Star Trek Movie had ever been released without a series first, and a prequel is always a tough sell. A movie about a young Captain Kirk and his crew had high expectations and the results did not disappoint.
The movie will surely continue its success and may spark a whole new series of films that will excite and thrill Star Trek fans worldwide………well all except one.

William Shatner (the original Captain Kirk) was invited to the movie release, as were all other living cast members from every Star Trek cast. At any Star Trek gathering William Shatner’s presence is always a thrill to all who attend. His post movie interview had him praising the film but his latest blog entry has many scratching their heads and wondering how Shatner’s mental condition is holding up.

He wrote, “As I sat and watched this film I was confused. The actor who was playing me did a nice job, but there was not one thing that happened that I can ever remember happening! I don’t know who the writers spoke to but they surely didn’t get any of these details from me. I’m also pretty sure my dad died in a hospital not in space. And dammit Bones, I am a McGill man …I don’t remember any academy.”

Shatner has also been seen recently wearing his gold Captains shirt from the early years of Star Trek and in one instance attacked a man dressed up as a white gorilla. It was assumed Shatner had mistaken the costume for the "Mugato", a sort of white, horned gorilla with poison fangs, from the 1966 Episode: A Private Little War.




Whatever is happening it is fairly obvious Shatner has crossed over to a place where his Star Trek life and reality are as one. If T.J. Hooker makes an appearance don’t be surprised if you are driving in L.A. and see Shatner in a police officer’s uniform riding on the hood of a speeding car.

Keep your phaser on stun and Live Long and Prosper, Captain..…Live Long and Prosper.

Los Angelis, CA (BTZ NEWS) – If you haven’t heard by now, Manny Ramirez, who plays left field for the Los Angelis Dodgers, shocked the baseball world by having high levels of testosterone in his urine. Per Major League Baseball rules, this type of result is a mandatory 50 game suspension. The player has the option to appeal the ruling that normally delays the suspension and on occasion lessens the amount of games suspended. Ramirez and his agent, Scott Boris, decided not to appeal and begin the suspension immediately. Ramirez apologized to his fans and his team and that was the last anyone heard from him.

Many thought the reason to not appeal was that the case was unwinnable and better to put out the fire. That would be the normal response of a guilty party who was accepting they were guilty. As it turns out, Ramirez and Boris may have been trying to cover something up.

It may have been assumed by the two (Boris & Ramirez) that admitting his guilt would be the end of the case. No need to analyze the case any further as guilt had been proclaimed.

No such luck.

Major League Baseball took Ramirez’s urine and examined it completely to determine exactly what substance was used. To the surprise of the League, Ramirez’s high levels of testosterone had nothing to do with increasing his strength. The drug that was found in his urine is actually used in drugs that supposedly “increase” the length of ones manhood. Not only was this drug not prescribed by a doctor in Florida, as Ramirez proclaimed, the type of testosterone used can only be found in one type of medication. The medication is currently being sold on late night T.V. ads.

With the new evidence being reported, Boris has once again quickly come out with a statement: “Manny realized that he made a mistake. When his results came in as positive he immediate brought me the pills. No one knew he was taking anything and he didn’t have anyone look at the ingredients of the pills, he just took them. “ Boris continued, “We made up the story of the trainer in Florida in hopes to put the story to bed. Manny said he would rather people think he was suspended because he was taking performance enhancing drugs as opposed to taking pills because he is lacking size in a private area of his body. We knew either way the suspension would not be lifted so we came up with this story.”

One can only guess the kind of taunting Ramirez will take wherever he goes…

Following in the footsteps of the Saturday Night Live skit with William Shatner where he told a group of Trekkies to get a life, does Simon Cowell to one of his shows biggest fans.

Fourteen year old Jamie Desmond has been an American Idol fan since (according to her parents) “she could hold up her head. When she understood how the voting worked she always begged and pleaded for us to vote for her favorite singer of the night. Although every week she (Jamie) couldn’t make up her mind who her favorite was and begged us to vote for more than one person. We told her no!”

“Year after year we dreaded American Idol premiering “ her parents told E! “because it was non-stop with the begging to vote. It became a huge problem.”

After weeks and weeks of misery, Desmond’s father came up with an idea, “We told her that on her 14th birthday she would get her own cell phone and then she could vote to her hearts content. At the time she was 10 and to get us through the next four years we granted her one vote a week and we would make the call for her.”

All was well at the Desmond household for the next three seasons, and her parents hoped that when it came time for her to have a phone she would be responsible with the privilege. When Jamie turned fourteen she received her phone with tremendous excitement. What her parents didn’t realize was that like an alcoholic on a bender, little Jamie was about go off the wagon.
Jamie’s parents felt that giving her the phone was a privilege, but they also realized there needed to be boundaries, so the phone they purchased was a pay-per-minute phone that Jamie could fill using her own money and own on-line account. What they didn’t count on was her addiction. The first night of voting Jamie cleaned out the $50 of calls she had on the phone. After that she began to steel from her parents, her brother, and anyone else who left money out. By the time her parent realized what was happening she had spent over $13,750 voting for American Idol Contestants. Turns out she would just keep calling and calling while voting was available and every time she got through she would vote for someone different.

Her parents were mortified and on a whim sent a letter to American Idol Headquarters asking if they had ever seen anything like this and if they had what could they do. A week after they sent the letter there was a knock at their front door. It was Simon Cowell.

Jamie almost fainted with excitement while hugging and jumping and screaming. Simon was straight faced and laid into her like she was a contestant who performed poorly. Smiles quickly turned to tears. “You have to stop calling” Cowell told her, “You need to get a life! I’m not here to tell you that you are doing a good job! Just like a lot of the morons who waste their life thinking they can sing..just STOP! Your vote doesn’t even count anyway, the whole thing is rigged so only the final vote counts and they weed out repeat callers. So like I said…stop calling and GET A LIFE!” Cowell walked out without even a good-bye.

It worked. Jamie never called the voting line again, although now she is focusing her life on a singing career in hopes to someday audition for American Idol and see Simon again.

Bradonville, S.D. (BTZ News) – Little Stevie Beakman was enjoying his first assignment as the school newspapers photographer and was hoping to get a shot that was front page material. He loved photography and was enjoying his Sony Cyber-shot H20 that he just received for his eleventh birthday. He had a brilliant idea for a comedy story about paper airplanes flying too low over the school and disrupting classes. He did a little research and found a great design for a paper airplane, made a few and headed to school.

It was a beautiful sunny Thursday morning and there was only a gentle breeze; perfect paper airplane flying weather, and a perfect morning to capture his idea. Beakman set up his try-pod at a perfect up-angle to catch the head and raised arm of statue that sat affront the school’s main entrance. His Cyber-Shot remote control in one hand and his other hand free to throw the paper airplanes over the statue for the perfect shot.

He began to throw them, one after the other, clicking his remote feverishly in hopes to grab the image he so desired. What Beakman was unaware of were the children in the windows of the school who were looking out. Possibly daydreaming, maybe looking at the birds or just accidental looking that way while solving a math problem. Whatever their reasons many children panicked at the sight of these unknown objects and some even ran from their classrooms as the objects continued to fly. A few children pulled out their cell phones and captured video of the event, and then the bell rang. Beakman, unaware of the havoc he caused picked up the planes and the tri-pod, quickly stuffing them into his book bag and rushed off to his next class.

That afternoon the Principal made an announcement asking the individual or individuals responsible for causing the disturbance to turn themselves in. Beakman, who still had no idea about what his photo-op had caused, was confused and unsure what to do. He went to the Principal and explained himself and apologized repeatedly claiming he had no idea that his actions would cause trouble. He was instantly suspended for not informing the school of his plan. He was asked to give the Principal the memory card from his camera so she could see the photos but Beakman refused. That evening several students uploaded their videos to YouTube.

The next day Beakman’s parents called the Principal and they were FURIOUS at their son. They apologized and said their son made a huge mistake and they were hopeful he could return to school soon.

After a two day suspension Beakman gave the memory card to the Principal, but not before he downloaded the pictures and sent them to his editor. His picture and story made the front page.

Washington D.C (BTZ News) - Tourists around Washington D.C. had a little excitement added to their visit to the Nations Capitol. This was because of the main attraction at the Washington D.C. National Zoo, Rosalee the Elephant; and they didn’t have to pay admission to see her act.

Rosalee was having her daily bath in preparation for her afternoon show, when her handler forgot to reattach her to the leg shackle. Zoo officials assume Rosalee, who is a very curious animal to begin with, decided to take a walk. When she exited her personal area she wandered upon the rear exit of the zoo and proceeded to walk out.

“It’s absolutely amazing that she wasn’t spotted prior to reaching the Capitol lawn.” said the acting Director of the Zoo, Steven Monfort, “That’s a long walk for anyone, and for a full grown elephant to go unnoticed is beyond me.”

How the next events unfolded has many democrats in an uproar.

The Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer has his own opinion on the event: “Why an elephant and why on the “left” side of the lawn? I’m glad she (the elephant) is fine but this just can’t be a coincidence; this has conspiracy written all over it. If it’s just a coincidence then so be it, but if a loose donkey wondered on to the Capitol lawn and made number 2 on the “right” side of the lawn I’m sure the Republican’s would respond in the same manner. I heard the Rush once worked in the circus…I bet he knows how to train elephants.”

The Republican Party, which can’t afford any more bad press has opted to respond with only a short message: "If you are sitting on the Capitol steps it is clear that the elephant went to the bathroom on the "right" side of the lawn"; an investigation is ongoing by Democratic Leaders.

It is obvious that there is still a major line between Parties here in Washington. If something as trivial as an elephant going to the bathroom on the Capitol lawn has both sides arguing because of which side of the lawn the animal pooped on, then these people are proving they have way too much time on their hands and we as a country need to think about this before the next election.

"Hi, Billy Mays here, and if you know me you probably know that I sell a bunch of crap on T.V." is the way all of his infomercials should begin.

Mays and his product endorsements are always on the television somewhere and almost unavoidable. You either are amused or annoyed, and if you are like millions of American’s you may have bought in to his shtick. His friendly smile, blue collar shirt and convincing delivery has many who wish to sell their products on T.V. lining up. Most are paying him thousands of dollars to get the Billy Mays stamp of approval as the man can, (if I can quote a line from the movie “Tommy Boy”) can “sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.”

This past weekend that may have all changed.

An ambulance was sent to the Mays household, as Billy was found hunched over next to his garden, unable to move. Mays was using the "Awesome Auger" to plant some spring flowers and the awkward motion the auger forces your body in to twisted the muscle in his back in a not-so-normal way, and left him stiff as a board.

Once at the hospital the doctors immediately noticed an odd discoloring to the soles of Mays feet. It seems that the dye from his “Impact Gel Insoles” has stained the bottom of his feet, and it’s permanent.

During Mays’ physical it came to be noted that Mays also has a very limited sense of smell. While at his home investigators were overwhelmed by the strange odor and most were unable to enter his residence. Another one of Mays’ endorsements, “What Odor?” was used throughout his home and was determined the culprit. “What Odor?” is advertised as saying, “Use it once and you’ll be saying “What Odor?”. That’s because the spray kills your sense of taste and smell so obviously you won’t smell the odor you’re trying to cover!

"Yes that is correct" said Dr. Oxicleen, of Metro Station Hospital. "Mr. Mays has a severe back injury as the result of an accident while working in his yard; and yes, there is a strange discoloring to the soles of his feet; and yes, Mr. Mays has a very limited sense of smell and taste. And finally, yes, his clothes had to be thrown away as they reeked of chemicals from some kind of stain removing product that to the best of our knowledge,didn't work."

Billy Mays endorsements have been like gold for many inventors, but if he continues to use the products he is endorsing he may never work again. The best thing for Mays to do now is to take some “Might Putty” (Mighty Putty is the easy way to fix, fill and seal virtually anything. Now can you repair any job big or small) and cover his mouth.

Of course that shit probably doesn’t work either.

Washington D.C - Al Gore and Bono (lead singer of U2) who are two of the biggest names in the forefront of the Global Warming debate must be shocked to realize that no matter what they do try and reverse the so called warming of the planet, everyday they are alive they are part of the cause. As it turns out the more they talk the more they are hurting the planet!

The newest theory regarding Global Warming makes so much sense it’s amazing no one realized this before. Most think Global Warming is the result of so called greenhouse gases which include carbon dioxide, methane, nitrogen oxide etc. the gases have created an effect of green house on the earths surface which prevents the reflection of the rays from sun and thus causes the increase in temperature. Carbon dioxide concentration in the air has increased due to the emissions from cars, airplanes, power plants, industries etc. But our bodies produce heat and when we breath out we expel Carbon Dioxide.

Reptiles couldn't be more upset at the results. Binja, King of the Snakes was most outraged by the finding and is currently venting his frustration on an unsuspecting owl. Many reptiles are now killing their warm blooded prey for spite! Many reptile feel they are doing more to save the planet by attacking and killing warm blooded animals then Gore ever did. The planet is overpopulated with warm-blooded creatures and the reptiles believe the best way to save the world is to have less mammals.

Nobody knows where this will lead.

Whatever the results, it now seems that if everyone just shut their mouths we might be better off.