The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

A harmless children’s game has made its way into law enforcement for a small town just outside of Turtle Lake, North Dakota.

With a poor economy and lack or town funding, Sheriff R.P Train has taken on the duties of being the lone member of the law enforcement team as well as the town judge.

“The best course of action is a swift course of action” Sheriff Train explains. “Unless you killed someone or hurt someone real bad, I’m gonna give you a speedy and fair trial. You’ll go to jail or go home. No waitin’.” How does the Sheriff decide who’s going to jail? “I challenge ‘em to a Thumb-War.”

Several in the community are unsure of the Sheriff’s methods. “He’s lettin’ criminals go if they can beat him at thumb-wrestlin’ for Pete’s sake. That ain’t right!”

The Sheriff doesn’t deny this, but he also claims he has never been beat. “I fine ‘em, put it in there permanent record then challenge them to a thumb-war. If they lose they hit the cell for at least 24 hours. The little ones also get an atomic wedgie and I hang ‘em from the flag pole for an hour or two. Then I let passers-by throw shit at ‘em. Yup, I leave a bucket of horse shit right out there.”

The Sheriff understands that this may not be the best solution, but with their current situation it’s the best option available. “It’s a small community so I’m hopeful this method will get us through this tough patch. Hey, if it works I’ll keep doin’ it. If not, when we can afford it I’ll re-hire the judge and get me a deputy.”

So far crime is down 7% so even those who are skeptical understand that some good is coming from the Sheriff’s methods. The only downside to all of this is that the money the town was saving was almost immediately dissolved. The local physician had to bring in an expert to perform a procedure that he was not familiar with. This doctor was a specialist in the field of Wedgscropothagy. Wedgscropothagy is the removal of objects imbedded deep into the atrix-quadrant of the anal sphincter.