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Barney Shows Up at Gay Pride Parade – Comes Out


BTZ News – San Francisco - It didn’t surprise anyone. No one even blinked an eye as the 2009 Gay Pride Parade rounded the corner into downtown San Francisco. Wearing a shirt that just said “I’m Out!” made it official. Barney the giant purple dinosaur is gay and proud.


What was a little more of a surprise was who Barney was marching with. As Barney came around the bend marching and chugging his arms like a train, he was immediately followed by Tinkey Winkey, Po, Laa Laa and Dipsy. You guessed it: the TeleTubbies! It was no coincidence that they were all marching in a straight line chugging like a train thrusting their hips in unison; many were repulsed but thousands clapped and cheered.

Then a bystander ran up behind Dipsy, who was last in line, put one hand on Dipsy’s hip and the other in the air like he was riding a bull, and thrusted his hips as well. Immediately more bystanders ran into the street and by the time the police realized what was happening the world’s longest gay, hip-thrusting conga line had emerged! Soon the entire parade and all who were watching joined in and by the time all was said and done there were 13,000 men and women conga-thrusting in unison across 12 blocks in downtown San Francisco.

It was also reported that several young teens have also revealed their sexuality and praise Barney for admitting his sexuality. He was the one who allowed them to feel wonderful about dancing and prancing and singing happy songs, all while dressed up as Cher!


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Jehovah’s Witness' Now Carrying Giant Checks To Get Your Door Open


It’s part of the American Dream. Everyone would love to win the lottery and spend the rest of their lives with no financial worry. Hey, even a $5 scratch-off ticket gives the purchaser the feeling of victory and satisfaction. One of the most popular fantasies American’s have had over the years is to look out your window and see a mini-van, a pretty woman holding flowers and a man in a suit carrying a large check and balloons. You guessed it…the Prize Patrol has arrived and you are the winner!

For years American’s have been purchasing magazine subscriptions and sending in the return envelopes with their application for winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize! We’ve all been “Guaranteed to be the $5 Million Dollar Winner” as shown through the front of the PCH envelope and the thought of the victory keeps millions of people coming back to try again and again. So wouldn’t you be ecstatic if one Sunday morning you peaked out of your front window to see the Prize Patrol walking up your front steps! Recently for many, this event has come as a major disappointment and in one instance sent a man to the hospital.

So how can this be? What is causing dozens of complaints across central Utah in the past few weeks regarding the Prize Patrol arriving at their homes? As it turns out these people are not the Prize Patrol at all. It is a new ploy being experimented with by one chapter of the Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Over the years the number of individuals who actually open the doors when a Jehovah’s Witness arrives is few and far between. You see them coming and just don’t answer the door. They have changed their attire, used attractive members and many other ploys to get your front door open. This new method gets your door open but with a serious downside.

Instead of hearing the good news, like “Are you Mr. Johnson? Well you are the winner of our $5 Million Dollar Grand Prize! Congratulations!” Un-expecting American’s hear “Mr. Johnson? Are you familiar with the Watchtower Literature?”. Once you land back down on Earth and realize what has just happened a major disappointment sinks in. You then look at the large check being dangled in front of your face to see the name on the check is not yours and on the amount line is written “5 Million” then in smaller lettering “reasons to love Jesus”.

The number of complaints has been overloading the Sheriff’s Office in the small town of Green Fountain, Utah.

“Seventeen calls just this morning” said Deputy Roscoe Train. “Must be a bunch of ‘em out there today. But they disappear just as quick as the complaints come in so we can’t catch ‘em. The only one we got so far is still in intensive care with his jaw wired shut….he aint talkin’. Boy, Jimbo Jones sure hit that man hard.”

So far there have not been any other reports outside of Green Fountain, but the warning is out! If the Prize Patrol arrives at your door step don’t get too excited. But make sure it’s really not them before you decide not to answer the door.


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Six Year Old Scratches Back-Side – Doesn’t Smell Finger


As the school year is in full swing and everyone, students and teachers alike, adjust to all that is new. There are several things that always remain a constant during the school year: kids will run in the hall, use profanity when adults are not listening, fight, cry, say mean things, eat boogers and above all if a child scratches there rear-end they surely will take a sniff! It's normal and just accepted as a fact of life and childhood. This is not the case in the north east corner in the state of Vermont.

Small towns are in abundance in this region of the world and some schools from K-12 max out at 150 students. In Mrs. McDonald’s first grade class an unlikely event occurred and word quickly spread through this small town and now the world . “First graders scratch and sniff” a candid McDonald said. “I’ve been a first grade teacher for 27 years and I have never seen a child of this age group not take a post scratch sniff. They eat nose boogers, pick scabs, lick their fingers and stick the finger in their friend’s ears and more! I love these kids but they gross me out daily.”


On the day in question six year old Jeremy Danielson was playing outside during recess. “He ran right by me, stopped, took a deep scratch in his back side and then continued to play…..ya, no sniff!” McDonald said. “Once I realized what happened I called the boy over to see if he was feeling okay. He said he was fine and gave me a courtesy sniff but I wasn’t buying it.”

McDonald said that at first she put it behind her, but in a conversation in the teacher’s lounge later in the day several other teachers were concerned. Principal Gardner chimed in on the incident. “There are just some things that never change. Maybe this is a sign of things to come but for right now we are a little shocked.” Gardner did phone the child’s parents and for now no action will come as a result of the incident. “Hopefully things will go back to normal.” Gardner ended,” We didn’t want out little town to get put on the map because of this type of incident. Similar to Jeremy’s finger, the whole thing stinks!”


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Followers of the Zone - I'll be back! (soon)


Friends and followers of The Zone - I apologize for my lack of postings this summer but I promise to be back soon with new and interesting news from my brain to yours.
I am currently investigating how a group of Jehovah's witnesses have been very successful recently with a new method of getting in your front door! There have also been several reports of chicken's going on panty-raids in freshman college dorms that will surely grab your attention.

So stay tuned for the fall season and I look forward to hearing from you!


BT


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Rogue Custodian Places Toilet Paper rolls on “Both Ways”


It’s a typical argument that has plagued mankind since the invention of the toilet. Which way should the toilet paper roll? Over the top or down the back? Fist fights over this debate are reported coast to coast; but not at the Springfield, Wisconsin shoe-lace factory.

Enter Dusty Featherman….custodian.

“From the day I hired him I knew he was meant for greatness” said his employer Dave Lace. "He beat out two other candidates because he showed talent outside of the norm for custodial employees.”

So what makes Featherman so unique? He has developed a system that removes the frustration many have upon entering a stall. Whether you remove your toilet paper at the beginning or end or your business, which way the paper rolls will never be a concern as long as Featherman is on the job.
"I would always check the stall to see which way the paper faced!" said one female employee. "I was fired from my last job because I broke the stupid paper holder because I needed to turn the toilet paper roll around! I love Dusty's plan...it's genius! I about never worry about the toilet paper anymore!"

Featherman told us, “On occasion there have been lines on one stall when another is available! Sometimes I spend my lunch hour in there just to watch! It's incredible!”

Each stall has a picture on the outer door of which way the toilet paper in the stall rolls. so Featherman’s customers have a heads-up prior to entrance. Not only does this forewarn the user but it also creates great conversation.


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William Shatner Upset at New Star Trek Movie: Doesn’t Remember It Ever Happening.


Los Angeles, CA (BTZNEWS) - The much anticipated and very risky release of a new Star Trek movie prequel opened last weekend to rave reviews and over $50 Million dollars in ticket sales. For many this was a relief as Star Trek fans worried about the change as no Star Trek Movie had ever been released without a series first, and a prequel is always a tough sell. A movie about a young Captain Kirk and his crew had high expectations and the results did not disappoint.
The movie will surely continue its success and may spark a whole new series of films that will excite and thrill Star Trek fans worldwide………well all except one.

William Shatner (the original Captain Kirk) was invited to the movie release, as were all other living cast members from every Star Trek cast. At any Star Trek gathering William Shatner’s presence is always a thrill to all who attend. His post movie interview had him praising the film but his latest blog entry has many scratching their heads and wondering how Shatner’s mental condition is holding up.

He wrote, “As I sat and watched this film I was confused. The actor who was playing me did a nice job, but there was not one thing that happened that I can ever remember happening! I don’t know who the writers spoke to but they surely didn’t get any of these details from me. I’m also pretty sure my dad died in a hospital not in space. And dammit Bones, I am a McGill man …I don’t remember any academy.”

Shatner has also been seen recently wearing his gold Captains shirt from the early years of Star Trek and in one instance attacked a man dressed up as a white gorilla. It was assumed Shatner had mistaken the costume for the "Mugato", a sort of white, horned gorilla with poison fangs, from the 1966 Episode: A Private Little War.




Whatever is happening it is fairly obvious Shatner has crossed over to a place where his Star Trek life and reality are as one. If T.J. Hooker makes an appearance don’t be surprised if you are driving in L.A. and see Shatner in a police officer’s uniform riding on the hood of a speeding car.

Keep your phaser on stun and Live Long and Prosper, Captain..…Live Long and Prosper.


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Manny’s Drug Test Results Prove He Was Enhancing His Manhood, Not His Swing.



Los Angelis, CA (BTZ NEWS) – If you haven’t heard by now, Manny Ramirez, who plays left field for the Los Angelis Dodgers, shocked the baseball world by having high levels of testosterone in his urine. Per Major League Baseball rules, this type of result is a mandatory 50 game suspension. The player has the option to appeal the ruling that normally delays the suspension and on occasion lessens the amount of games suspended. Ramirez and his agent, Scott Boris, decided not to appeal and begin the suspension immediately. Ramirez apologized to his fans and his team and that was the last anyone heard from him.

Many thought the reason to not appeal was that the case was unwinnable and better to put out the fire. That would be the normal response of a guilty party who was accepting they were guilty. As it turns out, Ramirez and Boris may have been trying to cover something up.

It may have been assumed by the two (Boris & Ramirez) that admitting his guilt would be the end of the case. No need to analyze the case any further as guilt had been proclaimed.


No such luck.


Major League Baseball took Ramirez’s urine and examined it completely to determine exactly what substance was used. To the surprise of the League, Ramirez’s high levels of testosterone had nothing to do with increasing his strength. The drug that was found in his urine is actually used in drugs that supposedly “increase” the length of ones manhood. Not only was this drug not prescribed by a doctor in Florida, as Ramirez proclaimed, the type of testosterone used can only be found in one type of medication. The medication is currently being sold on late night T.V. ads.

With the new evidence being reported, Boris has once again quickly come out with a statement: “Manny realized that he made a mistake. When his results came in as positive he immediate brought me the pills. No one knew he was taking anything and he didn’t have anyone look at the ingredients of the pills, he just took them. “ Boris continued, “We made up the story of the trainer in Florida in hopes to put the story to bed. Manny said he would rather people think he was suspended because he was taking performance enhancing drugs as opposed to taking pills because he is lacking size in a private area of his body. We knew either way the suspension would not be lifted so we came up with this story.”

One can only guess the kind of taunting Ramirez will take wherever he goes…


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Tween Addicted to American Idol Voting Get’s Visit From Simon – Told To Get A Life


Following in the footsteps of the Saturday Night Live skit with William Shatner where he told a group of Trekkies to get a life, does Simon Cowell to one of his shows biggest fans.

Fourteen year old Jamie Desmond has been an American Idol fan since (according to her parents) “she could hold up her head. When she understood how the voting worked she always begged and pleaded for us to vote for her favorite singer of the night. Although every week she (Jamie) couldn’t make up her mind who her favorite was and begged us to vote for more than one person. We told her no!”

“Year after year we dreaded American Idol premiering “ her parents told E! “because it was non-stop with the begging to vote. It became a huge problem.”

After weeks and weeks of misery, Desmond’s father came up with an idea, “We told her that on her 14th birthday she would get her own cell phone and then she could vote to her hearts content. At the time she was 10 and to get us through the next four years we granted her one vote a week and we would make the call for her.”

All was well at the Desmond household for the next three seasons, and her parents hoped that when it came time for her to have a phone she would be responsible with the privilege. When Jamie turned fourteen she received her phone with tremendous excitement. What her parents didn’t realize was that like an alcoholic on a bender, little Jamie was about go off the wagon.
Jamie’s parents felt that giving her the phone was a privilege, but they also realized there needed to be boundaries, so the phone they purchased was a pay-per-minute phone that Jamie could fill using her own money and own on-line account. What they didn’t count on was her addiction. The first night of voting Jamie cleaned out the $50 of calls she had on the phone. After that she began to steel from her parents, her brother, and anyone else who left money out. By the time her parent realized what was happening she had spent over $13,750 voting for American Idol Contestants. Turns out she would just keep calling and calling while voting was available and every time she got through she would vote for someone different.

Her parents were mortified and on a whim sent a letter to American Idol Headquarters asking if they had ever seen anything like this and if they had what could they do. A week after they sent the letter there was a knock at their front door. It was Simon Cowell.

Jamie almost fainted with excitement while hugging and jumping and screaming. Simon was straight faced and laid into her like she was a contestant who performed poorly. Smiles quickly turned to tears. “You have to stop calling” Cowell told her, “You need to get a life! I’m not here to tell you that you are doing a good job! Just like a lot of the morons who waste their life thinking they can sing..just STOP! Your vote doesn’t even count anyway, the whole thing is rigged so only the final vote counts and they weed out repeat callers. So like I said…stop calling and GET A LIFE!” Cowell walked out without even a good-bye.

It worked. Jamie never called the voting line again, although now she is focusing her life on a singing career in hopes to someday audition for American Idol and see Simon again.


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what is a brain twinkey?
1. Brain Twinkey (noun) (Brein-Twink-ee) 1. One with a cream-filled cranium 2. To live life in a land of Golden Sponge Cake 3. To be good at making shit up.

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internet treasure chest
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MIT Signs Challenge Students

The MIT campus has all new signs that challenge the students math skills in a variety of ways using math equations and problems. Although its amusing to students the community has protested as many have been receiving speeding tickets. Many claim that although that they live near MIT that doesn't mean they are good at math. Local police officers disagree and claim the public should just x*x + 2x - 35 = 0 and solve for x.

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visitors of the zone

Unless quoted or noted all entries are fictional. No harm or disrespect is meant just good old fashion fun! Enjoy!

cool stuff!

cool stuff!
Stare at the dot in the center of the circle and then move your head closer to it.