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Threat of Public Nude Body Search Speeds Up Lines at Airport


Luggage with liquids, metal jewelry, forgetting to remove a laptop or DVD player from a carry on, and sharp objects in people’s pockets are just a few of the items that travelers carry that slow down security lines and delay flights.

Although every airport has posting and video's of what you can and can't carry on, as well as the procedures to follow while going through security, hundreds of people disregard these rules and slow down lines and delay flights.

It seems that no matter what these airports do or say many people just don't pay attention.

Until now.

Several airports in Europe have taken on an extreme method to get people to better prepare for their flights and this method has proven extremely successful.

If a passenger puts an object through the x-ray scanner that shouldn't, or after a second trip through the metal detector, the individual is brought over to the search area and told to remove their clothing down to their underwear for a search. The catch is that the area where the passengers have to remove their clothing is not private and viewable by all in the security area. Some airports have admitted to hiring people to purposely fail the security line process and get strip searched just to show they are serious. The results have been amazing. Security lines are moving much quicker and the number of delayed flights because of passenger slowdowns has dropped to almost zero.
“People need to spend a little more time understanding that we live in a society. Things that they do, or don’t do, can have a trickledown effect that can disrupt thousands of lives. Hopefully this procedure has an effect that will spread beyond the airport walls.”


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Stoners Refuse to Take Effexor Because of Reported 'Joint' Issue


Effexor is a very common antidepressant that is prescribed for depressive disorders, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder and has been a miracle drug for thousands of sufferers. This is not the case for Carl Spackler.
Spackler and many others who have been diagnosed with one of the disorders Effexor remedies, have opted against taking the drug. Why? Because one the major side effects is reported to give users problems with their joints.
"I said no way man! My joints are my life" Spackler explained. "If I have problems with my joints I can't function. I read somewhere that some dude said after taking Effexor his joints made him walk around feeling like he was ninety and the dude was in his fifties!" He continued, "I admit sometimes my joints make me want to sit around the house just watchin' reruns of Welcome Back Kotter; oh that Vinnie Barbarino...I love that dude. Wait, what was I taking about? Oh yeah, my joints! But wanting to sit around doesn't mean I want to feel old."
Several hundred men and women who were also against the drug because of this side effect had similar reasons.
Dr. Jeremiah Feelgood disagrees with the patients. "Depressions and anxiety are serious problems. They can lead people down roads that have no return and even death. We can help these people and the unfortunate pain side effect can be remedied as well. I admit that the side effect is unfortunate but with proper therapy we can help. It's more important to get the mind well. The body will follow."
Spakler's response was a little surprising, "Whoa! Some people's joints make their bodies hurt? That's bogus, man. My joints make my body and mind feel so good and so relaxed. I put on some tunes and just chill. I might be depressed but at least I feel good."
After the last comment made by Spakler it was realized there was a dreadful miscommunication between doctors and many patients. When the realization came to light, that this certain group wasn't referring to their body joints but the joints that are rolled and filled with cannabis, diagnoses were immediately changed. Many of the people that had the depression misdiagnosis had their charts rewritten and changed to 'possible drug addiction'.
"We should have realized something was wrong when most of the complaining individuals were also the ones whose diets were out of control." Dr. Feelgood explained. "If you look in their files they were all categorized as 'severe snackers, and until now we thought that was the connection. I can't believe we all missed this."
Most cases have been withdrawn from the Effexor group and their cases transferred. Upon the realization that they were not depressed all the time just stoned, most of them went back to their lives as web designers and pizza deliverers. Although there was a small percentage of the group that were admitted to rehab with an Effexor addiction.


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Alaska Cold Snap Freezes Time


January has not been nice to the residents of Alaska as the damage from the cold that was in the region last week is still under repair. Burst pipes & broken furnaces have been the most popular repairs for homes. Hospitals and shelters are overloaded with the sick and homeless as well as hundreds of cases of frostbite. “I was outside for seven minutes without gloves and now my hands are frost bitten” said one resident.

Temperatures hovered between -30f and -50f for several days and although the temperature is back in the positive, getting life back to normal will take weeks.

As most residents were forced to stay indoors without power or means of communication, survival was everyone’s primary concern. It wasn’t until yesterday the residents of Alaska awoke to a troubling realization. Somehow they were now a day behind.

Renowned scientist Jack Frostingham had predicted this many years ago in a book he wrote called ‘Frozen in Time’. “It happens quite frequently” Fronstingham begins, “when the air reaches a certain temperature it becomes difficult for light to penetrate. Molecules break down and time slows. This often goes unnoticed because the temperature increases over the threshold quickly and time levels itself off.”

Many feel that Frostingham is just a fiction writer even though he claims otherwise. “What’s happening in Alaska is exactly as I predicted, just worse. The extreme cold never rebounded and each day they became further and further behind in time. Time hasn’t had a chance to rebound and the residents of Alaska are literally one day behind. Time actually froze.”

Although it has been confirmed that portions of Alaska are truly almost a full day behind, no explanation from the science world has been revealed.

“After several days of the warmer temperatures they will just catch-up. No one will be able to identify when or how this will happen, it just will.” Frostingham concludes, “I am as sure as one can be that the government will brush this one under the rug when everything is back to normal. In a hundred years the elders will speak of the year that time froze, but it will just be a memory and will be deemed as Folk Lore.”

The North East of the United States and Eastern Canada are now in a similar Arctic Freeze although the same results as in Alaska are not predicted.


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SPAM® Abuse Photo Disturbing & Wasteful


You either love or hate the luncheon meat called Spam. Since 1937 the meat that is made of just a few simple ingredients: Ham, pork, sugar, salt, water, a little potato starch, and a mere hint of sodium nitrite to help SPAM® keep its color (sounds delicious) has been enjoyed by "Bajillions of people around the world.." as stated at spam.com.
Today there is outrage because of a recent photo that was taken. This photo shows an individual, or potential group of individuals, throwing caution to the wind creating their own "Devil's Tower" (located in Wyoming) as seen in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Although this time the "Devil's Tower" wasn't created in a drawing or with mud. This time the tower was made using SPAM®.
"They may have seen this as a joke, but this abuse of food is disturbing." says one executive from Hormel, the company that makes SPAM® . "It's disgusting. If they wanted to abuse a food source for this creation they should have used Velveeta. Some call Velveeta the "SPAM® of Cheese" and it's cheaper too!"
There have also been comments about the artwork. Many are claiming that the SPAM® display doesn't look anything like Devil's Tower and should not be described as such.
Others have a different opinion: "I just want to stand in front of that, put my hands behind my back and eat the hell out of it! It reminds me of my wedding cake as my wife and I had a SPAM® cake designed....and it was delicious!"
There are even statements coming from the art world. Renowned artist Philip Drummond calls it a masterpiece. "No one can understand the difficulty in creating that sculpture" Drummond explained, "to take cans and cans of SPAM® and meld and shape them in this way cannot go unnoticed. If I could speak to the individual who created this I think I could get him into the The Metropolitan Museum of Art."
After receiving this information the individual in the photo was tracked down and told of Drummon's proposal. Unfortunately the SPAM® creation had been devoured at an after hours keg party the previous evening.


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NASA Scientist No Match for Pre-Schooler’s - Embarrasses Son


Ms. Hampton’s 3-4 year old preschool was having a very interesting and very educational week. It was “Bring a Parent to School Week" and each child had a designated time to have their parent enter the classroom and talk about what kind of job they had and some of the things that they would do during the day. The most popular so far were the parents who were a fireman, police woman, candy store owner and garbage man. But no matter who took from stage of Ms. Hampton’s class most of the children were anxious to meet little Stevie’s dad. He was an MIT Honors graduate and worked as a lead scientist for NASA, personally responsible for several Shuttle Missions. Stevie would often brag about his father to friends as his father’s intelligence and achievements are known throughout the science world and as Stevie says “..knows everything about everything.”
As a scientist Stevie’s father was always prepared and very confident; this of course was before he entered his son’s class on a Tuesday just after morning snack.
Ms. Hampton began by gathering the children in a circle and little Stevie was allowed to introduce his father. Stevie’s dad gave a very brief and understandable (for four-year olds) explanation of what he did then opened the floor for questions.
Suzie Mac was the first to raise her hand. “Why is the sky blue” she asked. Small potatoes for a genius.
“Well Suzie, that’s a great question. There is a very complicated answer to this, but basically the blue color of the sky is due to what's called Rayleigh scattering. This means that the colors in the sky are scattered around but mostly you see the blue, and that's what the sky looks that color.”
He wasn’t prepared for the follow up question:
“So you are saying the sky really isn't blue? Why does the light scatter?” Suzie responded.
A little surprised he answered, “Well this is the complicated part. You see Suzie, much of the shorter wavelength light is absorbed by gas molecules. The absorbed blue light is then radiated in different directions. It gets scattered all around the sky. Whichever direction you look, some of this scattered blue light reaches you. Since you see the blue light from everywhere overhead, the sky looks blue. Next question.”
But Suzie wasn’t finished. “What are gas milicules?” she asked.
“You mean molecules. Well a molecule is the simplest structural unit of an element or compound.”
“How come it’s the simplest?”
“It just is.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s how it works.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“So you don’t know.”
“I guess not.”
And this is how it went for the next 30 minutes. Every simple question escalated into a barrage of “Why’s” and “How’s” that frustrated the scientist and ended with no concrete answers for the children. A not-so-impressive performance as the children would later say.
Stevie was thoroughly embarrassed and the dreams of becoming astronauts went from 3rd to 10th on the classrooms “Best Job” list.


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New Year's "Cool Dips" Reveal Cause of Incurable "Shrinkage"


Men know it from unfortunate experiences. Women know because of a classic episode of the T.V. show 'Seinfeld'. We are talking about, of course...shrinkage. It is best described in the before mentioned show, Seinfeld, where George is seen naked while changing his clothes after swimming in a pool.


Later George and Jerry explain in a conversation with Elaine exactly what shrinkage is:

"Do women know about shrinkage?" -Jerry
"What do you mean, like laundry?" - Elaine
"No..." -Jerry
"Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..." -Jerry
"It shrinks?" - Elaine
"Like a frightened turtle." -Jerry
"Why does it shrink?" -Elaine
"It just does." - George

For most of the male population this is just a short lived embarrassment that occurs from time to time, but in recent studies hundreds of men from around the world have reported that the usually short-lived experience still remains with them today. Until recently doctors had concluded that it was genetic and shrinkage was just an unfortunate phenomena. Until recently one man's quest proved that this was not true and there was an underlying reason no one had yet discovered.

A former male pornographic movie star, Halbert Hunglongly, made it his quest to prove the doctors wrong after his diagnosis. For years he was a major star in the pornographic movie industry starring in hundreds of movies using his God given gift. This was until one day when he arrived at work he realized that his most prized possession had become what he called "less than ordinary."

Baffled and confused Hunglongly went his doctor for a cure. His doctors gave him the same prognosis as hundreds of men before him; it was just a genetic abnormality and there was nothing that could be done. For him it cost him more then just his manhood but it also him his livelihood.

Hunglongly did not take this news lightly and began his quest to find a reason and hopefully a cure. Genetics was not an acceptable diagnosis. He began looking up similar cases to his own and went through hundreds of interviews but could find no connection. There was no real way to prove the genetics cause because 'size' was not often listed in medical records. It wasn't until January 1st of 2009 where he finally made the connection and instantly had his proof.

Hunglongly was attending a yearly ritual that he began just a short time ago. Attending a charity event where men and women of all ages would meet for the New Year's plunge, and the event was always in cold weather climates. People would collect funds for their 'plunge' and then early in the morning on January 1st they would all run into the freezing cold water together and then exit. These events gather thousands of dollars for a variety of charities and is a most noble cause. This year at the plunge Hunglongly attended as usual and saw a few people that he did not intend on seeing. Oddly enough several of the men he had previously interviewed who also had the incurable shrinkage were participating in the plunge.

The men spoke at length and discovered something that no one had yet put together. Each of these men began to notice things 'not returning to normal size" after they had attended a couple (or a few) of these extreme cold water plunges but made the connection. Hunglongly now had a potential cause and now just needed to re interview the other men to see if there truly was a connection.

Once each man was re interviewed Hunglongly uncovered the truth as each man that he spoke to were all cold water 'plungers'.

The results of Hunglongly's discovery have quickly moved across many new channels and the Internet as well. Because the news is so fresh it is unknown if discovering the cause will lead to a cure. Whatever the outcome it's now highly recommended that all men who attend this type of charity event layer up around their manhood for ultimate protection from the cold water. Hopefully this will bring an end to the perma-shrinkage
Hunglongly says that he will begin working on a whole new line of clothing so men can continue the charity events with protection, tentatively called the "Man-Wrap".


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video of the week

Letterman Works at McD's

what is a brain twinkey?

what is a brain twinkey?
1. Brain Twinkey (noun) (Brein-Twink-ee) 1. One with a cream-filled cranium 2. To live life in a land of Golden Sponge Cake 3. To be good at making shit up.

internet treasure chest

internet treasure chest
The one and only "Crazy Harry"
MIT Signs Challenge Students

The MIT campus has all new signs that challenge the students math skills in a variety of ways using math equations and problems. Although its amusing to students the community has protested as many have been receiving speeding tickets. Many claim that although that they live near MIT that doesn't mean they are good at math. Local police officers disagree and claim the public should just x*x + 2x - 35 = 0 and solve for x.

Awards

visitors of the zone

Unless quoted or noted all entries are fictional. No harm or disrespect is meant just good old fashion fun! Enjoy!

cool stuff!

cool stuff!
Stare at the dot in the center of the circle and then move your head closer to it.