The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Following in the footsteps of the Saturday Night Live skit with William Shatner where he told a group of Trekkies to get a life, does Simon Cowell to one of his shows biggest fans.

Fourteen year old Jamie Desmond has been an American Idol fan since (according to her parents) “she could hold up her head. When she understood how the voting worked she always begged and pleaded for us to vote for her favorite singer of the night. Although every week she (Jamie) couldn’t make up her mind who her favorite was and begged us to vote for more than one person. We told her no!”

“Year after year we dreaded American Idol premiering “ her parents told E! “because it was non-stop with the begging to vote. It became a huge problem.”

After weeks and weeks of misery, Desmond’s father came up with an idea, “We told her that on her 14th birthday she would get her own cell phone and then she could vote to her hearts content. At the time she was 10 and to get us through the next four years we granted her one vote a week and we would make the call for her.”

All was well at the Desmond household for the next three seasons, and her parents hoped that when it came time for her to have a phone she would be responsible with the privilege. When Jamie turned fourteen she received her phone with tremendous excitement. What her parents didn’t realize was that like an alcoholic on a bender, little Jamie was about go off the wagon.
Jamie’s parents felt that giving her the phone was a privilege, but they also realized there needed to be boundaries, so the phone they purchased was a pay-per-minute phone that Jamie could fill using her own money and own on-line account. What they didn’t count on was her addiction. The first night of voting Jamie cleaned out the $50 of calls she had on the phone. After that she began to steel from her parents, her brother, and anyone else who left money out. By the time her parent realized what was happening she had spent over $13,750 voting for American Idol Contestants. Turns out she would just keep calling and calling while voting was available and every time she got through she would vote for someone different.

Her parents were mortified and on a whim sent a letter to American Idol Headquarters asking if they had ever seen anything like this and if they had what could they do. A week after they sent the letter there was a knock at their front door. It was Simon Cowell.

Jamie almost fainted with excitement while hugging and jumping and screaming. Simon was straight faced and laid into her like she was a contestant who performed poorly. Smiles quickly turned to tears. “You have to stop calling” Cowell told her, “You need to get a life! I’m not here to tell you that you are doing a good job! Just like a lot of the morons who waste their life thinking they can sing..just STOP! Your vote doesn’t even count anyway, the whole thing is rigged so only the final vote counts and they weed out repeat callers. So like I said…stop calling and GET A LIFE!” Cowell walked out without even a good-bye.

It worked. Jamie never called the voting line again, although now she is focusing her life on a singing career in hopes to someday audition for American Idol and see Simon again.