The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

It’s part of the American Dream. Everyone would love to win the lottery and spend the rest of their lives with no financial worry. Hey, even a $5 scratch-off ticket gives the purchaser the feeling of victory and satisfaction. One of the most popular fantasies American’s have had over the years is to look out your window and see a mini-van, a pretty woman holding flowers and a man in a suit carrying a large check and balloons. You guessed it…the Prize Patrol has arrived and you are the winner!

For years American’s have been purchasing magazine subscriptions and sending in the return envelopes with their application for winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize! We’ve all been “Guaranteed to be the $5 Million Dollar Winner” as shown through the front of the PCH envelope and the thought of the victory keeps millions of people coming back to try again and again. So wouldn’t you be ecstatic if one Sunday morning you peaked out of your front window to see the Prize Patrol walking up your front steps! Recently for many, this event has come as a major disappointment and in one instance sent a man to the hospital.

So how can this be? What is causing dozens of complaints across central Utah in the past few weeks regarding the Prize Patrol arriving at their homes? As it turns out these people are not the Prize Patrol at all. It is a new ploy being experimented with by one chapter of the Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Over the years the number of individuals who actually open the doors when a Jehovah’s Witness arrives is few and far between. You see them coming and just don’t answer the door. They have changed their attire, used attractive members and many other ploys to get your front door open. This new method gets your door open but with a serious downside.

Instead of hearing the good news, like “Are you Mr. Johnson? Well you are the winner of our $5 Million Dollar Grand Prize! Congratulations!” Un-expecting American’s hear “Mr. Johnson? Are you familiar with the Watchtower Literature?”. Once you land back down on Earth and realize what has just happened a major disappointment sinks in. You then look at the large check being dangled in front of your face to see the name on the check is not yours and on the amount line is written “5 Million” then in smaller lettering “reasons to love Jesus”.

The number of complaints has been overloading the Sheriff’s Office in the small town of Green Fountain, Utah.

“Seventeen calls just this morning” said Deputy Roscoe Train. “Must be a bunch of ‘em out there today. But they disappear just as quick as the complaints come in so we can’t catch ‘em. The only one we got so far is still in intensive care with his jaw wired shut….he aint talkin’. Boy, Jimbo Jones sure hit that man hard.”

So far there have not been any other reports outside of Green Fountain, but the warning is out! If the Prize Patrol arrives at your door step don’t get too excited. But make sure it’s really not them before you decide not to answer the door.

As the school year is in full swing and everyone, students and teachers alike, adjust to all that is new. There are several things that always remain a constant during the school year: kids will run in the hall, use profanity when adults are not listening, fight, cry, say mean things, eat boogers and above all if a child scratches there rear-end they surely will take a sniff! It's normal and just accepted as a fact of life and childhood. This is not the case in the north east corner in the state of Vermont.

Small towns are in abundance in this region of the world and some schools from K-12 max out at 150 students. In Mrs. McDonald’s first grade class an unlikely event occurred and word quickly spread through this small town and now the world . “First graders scratch and sniff” a candid McDonald said. “I’ve been a first grade teacher for 27 years and I have never seen a child of this age group not take a post scratch sniff. They eat nose boogers, pick scabs, lick their fingers and stick the finger in their friend’s ears and more! I love these kids but they gross me out daily.”

On the day in question six year old Jeremy Danielson was playing outside during recess. “He ran right by me, stopped, took a deep scratch in his back side and then continued to play…..ya, no sniff!” McDonald said. “Once I realized what happened I called the boy over to see if he was feeling okay. He said he was fine and gave me a courtesy sniff but I wasn’t buying it.”