The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

It’s part of the American Dream. Everyone would love to win the lottery and spend the rest of their lives with no financial worry. Hey, even a $5 scratch-off ticket gives the purchaser the feeling of victory and satisfaction. One of the most popular fantasies American’s have had over the years is to look out your window and see a mini-van, a pretty woman holding flowers and a man in a suit carrying a large check and balloons. You guessed it…the Prize Patrol has arrived and you are the winner!

For years American’s have been purchasing magazine subscriptions and sending in the return envelopes with their application for winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize! We’ve all been “Guaranteed to be the $5 Million Dollar Winner” as shown through the front of the PCH envelope and the thought of the victory keeps millions of people coming back to try again and again. So wouldn’t you be ecstatic if one Sunday morning you peaked out of your front window to see the Prize Patrol walking up your front steps! Recently for many, this event has come as a major disappointment and in one instance sent a man to the hospital.

So how can this be? What is causing dozens of complaints across central Utah in the past few weeks regarding the Prize Patrol arriving at their homes? As it turns out these people are not the Prize Patrol at all. It is a new ploy being experimented with by one chapter of the Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Over the years the number of individuals who actually open the doors when a Jehovah’s Witness arrives is few and far between. You see them coming and just don’t answer the door. They have changed their attire, used attractive members and many other ploys to get your front door open. This new method gets your door open but with a serious downside.

Instead of hearing the good news, like “Are you Mr. Johnson? Well you are the winner of our $5 Million Dollar Grand Prize! Congratulations!” Un-expecting American’s hear “Mr. Johnson? Are you familiar with the Watchtower Literature?”. Once you land back down on Earth and realize what has just happened a major disappointment sinks in. You then look at the large check being dangled in front of your face to see the name on the check is not yours and on the amount line is written “5 Million” then in smaller lettering “reasons to love Jesus”.

The number of complaints has been overloading the Sheriff’s Office in the small town of Green Fountain, Utah.

“Seventeen calls just this morning” said Deputy Roscoe Train. “Must be a bunch of ‘em out there today. But they disappear just as quick as the complaints come in so we can’t catch ‘em. The only one we got so far is still in intensive care with his jaw wired shut….he aint talkin’. Boy, Jimbo Jones sure hit that man hard.”

So far there have not been any other reports outside of Green Fountain, but the warning is out! If the Prize Patrol arrives at your door step don’t get too excited. But make sure it’s really not them before you decide not to answer the door.