The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

BTZ News – San Francisco - It didn’t surprise anyone. No one even blinked an eye as the 2009 Gay Pride Parade rounded the corner into downtown San Francisco. Wearing a shirt that just said “I’m Out!” made it official. Barney the giant purple dinosaur is gay and proud.

What was a little more of a surprise was who Barney was marching with. As Barney came around the bend marching and chugging his arms like a train, he was immediately followed by Tinkey Winkey, Po, Laa Laa and Dipsy. You guessed it: the TeleTubbies! It was no coincidence that they were all marching in a straight line chugging like a train thrusting their hips in unison; many were repulsed but thousands clapped and cheered.

Then a bystander ran up behind Dipsy, who was last in line, put one hand on Dipsy’s hip and the other in the air like he was riding a bull, and thrusted his hips as well. Immediately more bystanders ran into the street and by the time the police realized what was happening the world’s longest gay, hip-thrusting conga line had emerged! Soon the entire parade and all who were watching joined in and by the time all was said and done there were 13,000 men and women conga-thrusting in unison across 12 blocks in downtown San Francisco.

It was also reported that several young teens have also revealed their sexuality and praise Barney for admitting his sexuality. He was the one who allowed them to feel wonderful about dancing and prancing and singing happy songs, all while dressed up as Cher!

It’s part of the American Dream. Everyone would love to win the lottery and spend the rest of their lives with no financial worry. Hey, even a $5 scratch-off ticket gives the purchaser the feeling of victory and satisfaction. One of the most popular fantasies American’s have had over the years is to look out your window and see a mini-van, a pretty woman holding flowers and a man in a suit carrying a large check and balloons. You guessed it…the Prize Patrol has arrived and you are the winner!

For years American’s have been purchasing magazine subscriptions and sending in the return envelopes with their application for winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize! We’ve all been “Guaranteed to be the $5 Million Dollar Winner” as shown through the front of the PCH envelope and the thought of the victory keeps millions of people coming back to try again and again. So wouldn’t you be ecstatic if one Sunday morning you peaked out of your front window to see the Prize Patrol walking up your front steps! Recently for many, this event has come as a major disappointment and in one instance sent a man to the hospital.

So how can this be? What is causing dozens of complaints across central Utah in the past few weeks regarding the Prize Patrol arriving at their homes? As it turns out these people are not the Prize Patrol at all. It is a new ploy being experimented with by one chapter of the Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Over the years the number of individuals who actually open the doors when a Jehovah’s Witness arrives is few and far between. You see them coming and just don’t answer the door. They have changed their attire, used attractive members and many other ploys to get your front door open. This new method gets your door open but with a serious downside.

Instead of hearing the good news, like “Are you Mr. Johnson? Well you are the winner of our $5 Million Dollar Grand Prize! Congratulations!” Un-expecting American’s hear “Mr. Johnson? Are you familiar with the Watchtower Literature?”. Once you land back down on Earth and realize what has just happened a major disappointment sinks in. You then look at the large check being dangled in front of your face to see the name on the check is not yours and on the amount line is written “5 Million” then in smaller lettering “reasons to love Jesus”.

The number of complaints has been overloading the Sheriff’s Office in the small town of Green Fountain, Utah.

“Seventeen calls just this morning” said Deputy Roscoe Train. “Must be a bunch of ‘em out there today. But they disappear just as quick as the complaints come in so we can’t catch ‘em. The only one we got so far is still in intensive care with his jaw wired shut….he aint talkin’. Boy, Jimbo Jones sure hit that man hard.”

So far there have not been any other reports outside of Green Fountain, but the warning is out! If the Prize Patrol arrives at your door step don’t get too excited. But make sure it’s really not them before you decide not to answer the door.

As the school year is in full swing and everyone, students and teachers alike, adjust to all that is new. There are several things that always remain a constant during the school year: kids will run in the hall, use profanity when adults are not listening, fight, cry, say mean things, eat boogers and above all if a child scratches there rear-end they surely will take a sniff! It's normal and just accepted as a fact of life and childhood. This is not the case in the north east corner in the state of Vermont.

Small towns are in abundance in this region of the world and some schools from K-12 max out at 150 students. In Mrs. McDonald’s first grade class an unlikely event occurred and word quickly spread through this small town and now the world . “First graders scratch and sniff” a candid McDonald said. “I’ve been a first grade teacher for 27 years and I have never seen a child of this age group not take a post scratch sniff. They eat nose boogers, pick scabs, lick their fingers and stick the finger in their friend’s ears and more! I love these kids but they gross me out daily.”

On the day in question six year old Jeremy Danielson was playing outside during recess. “He ran right by me, stopped, took a deep scratch in his back side and then continued to play…..ya, no sniff!” McDonald said. “Once I realized what happened I called the boy over to see if he was feeling okay. He said he was fine and gave me a courtesy sniff but I wasn’t buying it.”

Gerald Balzack was not terminally ill. He was not heading to prison and not filing for a divorce; there wasn’t anything wrong with him whatsoever. What he was, was a man in mid-life crises who felt like he was in a rut and a change was needed.

Billy Bunny's story was an old story but not a new story. Similar to the thousands of adopted and orphaned bunnies that are scattered across the world Billy didn't know who his parents were. In Billy's case he wasn't even certain who his cousins were, even though Bunny History told him he probably had hundreds if not thousands of cousins and half brothers and sisters.

Billy was born an orphan.

He was discovered wrapped gently in a cabbage leaf, pink and adorable resting quietly in front of a bunny orphanage. Although there were hundreds of new born bunnies present, something about Billy was very unique and he was adopted almost immediately.

Billy was very fortunate to have been adopted by a caring and loving family and was raised privileged, but he always felt the need to search out his "real" parents and when he was of age he set out.

Billy was exceptionally bright and used his skills to find his parents by using blood tests. Every bunny he met he would draw blood and test it. It didn't take him long to discover a cousin and from there all of the pieces began to fall into place. After several days he found what he was looking for and what he discovered was not like anything he could have predicted as his father was none other then the Easter Bunny.

"He could be mine" said the Easter Bunny during a phone interview, "Although most of my children go on an assist me at Easter. I have thousands of children and hundreds of mates...that's right, I said hundreds! If he is mine there is no way I will be able to identify who his mother is!" said the Easter Bunny. "Each mate is supposed to venture off before giving birth and they are responsible to take the children and teach them the skills of the trade. Hiding & coloring eggs, filling baskets, walking in parades etc. Then during the Easter season they help. I would love to be everywhere at once but who do you think I am? Santa! If he is mine his abandonment is not my fault, although if he's looking for a job I suppose I could find him something"

Billy was very discouraged by the Easter Bunny's comments and decided that meeting him was not in his best interest. Even though his blood line guaranties him a fruitful life and being an Easter Bunny is every bunnies dream he felt his destiny was elsewhere.

Billy's story quickly spread through the bunny world and he was approached by many who felt sorry for him. Billy was flattered by all of the attention he received and it wasn't until he was approached by the next most famous bunny when he realized his destiny.