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Billy Mays Hospitalized After Using “Awesome Auger”

"Hi, Billy Mays here, and if you know me you probably know that I sell a bunch of crap on T.V." is the way all of his infomercials should begin.

Mays and his product endorsements are always on the television somewhere and almost unavoidable. You either are amused or annoyed, and if you are like millions of American’s you may have bought in to his shtick. His friendly smile, blue collar shirt and convincing delivery has many who wish to sell their products on T.V. lining up. Most are paying him thousands of dollars to get the Billy Mays stamp of approval as the man can, (if I can quote a line from the movie “Tommy Boy”) can “sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.”

This past weekend that may have all changed.

An ambulance was sent to the Mays household, as Billy was found hunched over next to his garden, unable to move. Mays was using the "Awesome Auger" to plant some spring flowers and the awkward motion the auger forces your body in to twisted the muscle in his back in a not-so-normal way, and left him stiff as a board.

Once at the hospital the doctors immediately noticed an odd discoloring to the soles of Mays feet. It seems that the dye from his “Impact Gel Insoles” has stained the bottom of his feet, and it’s permanent.

During Mays’ physical it came to be noted that Mays also has a very limited sense of smell. While at his home investigators were overwhelmed by the strange odor and most were unable to enter his residence. Another one of Mays’ endorsements, “What Odor?” was used throughout his home and was determined the culprit. “What Odor?” is advertised as saying, “Use it once and you’ll be saying “What Odor?”. That’s because the spray kills your sense of taste and smell so obviously you won’t smell the odor you’re trying to cover!

"Yes that is correct" said Dr. Oxicleen, of Metro Station Hospital. "Mr. Mays has a severe back injury as the result of an accident while working in his yard; and yes, there is a strange discoloring to the soles of his feet; and yes, Mr. Mays has a very limited sense of smell and taste. And finally, yes, his clothes had to be thrown away as they reeked of chemicals from some kind of stain removing product that to the best of our knowledge,didn't work."

Billy Mays endorsements have been like gold for many inventors, but if he continues to use the products he is endorsing he may never work again. The best thing for Mays to do now is to take some “Might Putty” (Mighty Putty is the easy way to fix, fill and seal virtually anything. Now can you repair any job big or small) and cover his mouth.

Of course that shit probably doesn’t work either.


Darth Rob said...

Nice post! Brain Twinkey said shit!

The Brain Twinkey said...

Rob - Thanks. As for the language, it's like when NYPD Blue first aired and they were first show to use adult language. I feel I am breaking this ground and my options for posts are now unlimited!

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