The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Today the Michael Phelps interview with Matt Lauer was played on the popular television news show, the Today Show. Throughout the entire interview it was easy to decipher what was the truth and what was cream filled fluff pouring out of his mouth.
The following are actual quotes from the interview followed by his true, inner, Brain Twinkey thoughts:

Phelps: I know if I start training again... I know I can't do anything wrong once I'm in the pool.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: When I kick my dope habit I’ll try and swim again…when I swim I can’t do anything wrong because I’m swimming. It’s hard to smoke pot or drive drunk while doing that!

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MATT LAUER: I have to ask you, were you smoking pot?
MICHAEL PHELPS: It was a bad mistake. I mean, we all know what, you know, what you and I are talking about. It's a stupid mistake. You know, bad judgment. And it's something that, you know, I have to, and I want to teach other people not to make that mistake

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS – No Matt – I like to place my mouth on all cylinder objects with dirty, smelly water. Then I like to watch other people put their mouth on it too. It’s cool.

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MATT LAUER: We're living in a world right now, Michael, where people have a cell phone and it was a camera. Were you aware that anyone had taken a photo that night? That anyone was taking pictures? Is that, maybe, a lesson to be learned here? That not everybody's your friend?
MICHAEL PHELPS: Yeah. You know, people think, you know, it's funny at times. Take a picture with a cell phone... I'll say that there are a lot of people out there who want to take advantage of any situation they have.... I trusted my friends who were there about who they were. And clearly they weren't trusted people... Sometimes you learn the hard way.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: The asshole with the camera better not walk down any dark ally’s. The money he made from selling that picture will barley cover his hospital bill.

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MATT LAUER:But when you first saw the picture, when you first laid eyes on it and realized what it was a picture of, did you calculate at that point the fallout? Did you start to think how damaging this could be to you personally and your career?
MICHAEL PHELPS:It's not about money to me. So, you know, the-- the contract side of things, yeah, I was disappointed. But, you know, I think the biggest thing is-- is who I hurt the most. Like, if I lost money, okay. It's not an issue with me.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: I thought the picture was cool. I printed it out and put it on my fridge. Then I sent the link to a bunch of my buds! I don’t do math so I wouldn’t know how to calculate much.

Question: How can you take the record holder for all Gold Medals in a single Olympics as well as all time off of the front page of every newspaper across the world after a photo of him taking a bong-hit has been leaked? Have A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees) admit to taking PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs) after his name was leaked from a test that was taken in 2003 that was supposed to be anonymous. What are the odds of that happening, and happening at the most ideal time for Phelps? A billion to one!

Phelps reportedly is going to give one of his Gold Medals to Rodriguez as thanks. Never in his (Phelps) wildest thoughts could he have come up with this. Phelps told friends he had been sitting at home trying to figure out ways to get himself and that picture off of the front pages and covers of newspapers and magazines. When nothing came to mind Phelps began praying for a natural disaster or a high profile murder or celebrity drug bust, anything! It would take something catastrophic for his story to disappear.

Phelps was brought into an emergency room just after the news of A-Rod first hit as Phelps cracked his head on his ceiling after jumping for joy and disbelief. Although it wasn't that head-wound that brought him to the hospital. Phelps fell off his couch and hit his head again when A-Rod did his interview with Peter Gammon's and admitted his PED use.

While in the hospital Phelps watched when the President of the United States was asked about A-Rod and steroids during his first Prime Time speech as President. He instantly went into cardiac arrest but recovered almost instantly, probably realizing that the heat on him has all but passed.

Let's just hope for Phelps that if he ever took PED's he never gets caught.

Kellogg’s Corp. today made a surprising announcement that instead of firing Michael Phelps as most predicted they are embracing him changing their entire ad campaign.

Pedro De Pacas, President of Advertising for Kellogg’s explains, “We have always focused on families when producing our breakfast cereal and never really tapped into the “stoner” market. Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger were both the brainchild of one of our top engineers during an acid flashback so we feel Frosted Flakes has now comefull circle.“

De Pacas continued. “Angered at the quickness that regular Corn Flakes became soggy, he experimented on sticking sugar to the flakes one evening while he was hallucinating. Once the experiment was completed he ate them exclaiming, “They’re Great!” and looking at himself in the mirror scared himself silly as his refection looked like a cartoon tiger. The next evening while he was recovering he smoked some marijuna and proceeded to eat 7 bowls of his new creation.”

In recent studies Kellogg’s has also realized that even though their target market has been children there are more young adults eating Frosted Flakes. It seems in the pot smoking underworld Frosted Flakes is like the Filet Mignon of munchies. Phelps’s recent idiocy has opened the door to a market that until now has never been explored.

"We have been wating for this door to open." De Pacas says. “We understand that we could take a serious hit here (no pun intended) but we feel it’s worth a shot.”