The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

An Ode to the Twinkie

Although this is a repeat post it seems relevant as the year draws to an end and the New Year begins. Look to the Twinkie as a metaphor to all that is good and wonderful in the world. Enjoy the poem below and feel free to replace the word "Twinkie" with something you hold dear to your heart. Have a happy and safe New Year.

Oh Twinkie! my Twinkie! How sad I am when you are gone
I hold you in my hands so softly...singing you a song
Your color gleams so gold; my heart have you just won
Your filling oh so sweet till all the cream filling is finally done
Oh Twinkie! my Twinkie! The captain of the shelf.
When all others have expired you remain fresh all by your self
No dust shall enter your domain, until the cellophane tears with ease
Then the eating shall commence with a nice side of Vermont sharp cheddar cheese!

New and "Improved" Fast Food.

As the end of 2008 draws nears the economy problem is still front and center. May companies are cutting costs by any means possible and often people are losing their jobs. The fast food industry is not immune to this and they are attempting to cut-costs without having staff lose their jobs. This has been described as a very "noble" gesture although many feel it's not possible. The companies are trying to take care of their employees as well as the companies future and many have taken notice.
In order to cut costs the latest experiment has been to drop the high cooking costs that use up a large amount of the business dollars. Any way to cut costs in cooking can only be a benefit to each companies continued growth.

Several fast food chains are offering a new type of uncooked sandwich. This sandwich, called the 'mini-chickie' (see photo) may change the way fast-food restaurants prepare their food. By

serving the sandwiches in this manner the fast food companies can reduce the cost of cooking for these delicious little sandwiches and they can even raise the price. The sandwiches hold an "entertainment value" said one manager of a local fast food chain. "It takes the eating of a sandwich to a new level. I think people really enjoy it!"

Each sandwich comes with a drink, bib, fries, extra napkins, a small billy club and a toothpick.

The Funniest Dialogue From a Christmas Movie..EVER!

If you have never seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation then you should go and rent it right away. It is easily in the top 10 of Christmas Movies. One of the funniest portions of the movie is when the lead character, Clark W. Griswold (played by Chevy Chase) is a little upset about his Christmas bonus. Below is the text dialogue and if you would like to listen to to it click here http://www.box.net/public/hgqmqmje9i

Merry Christmas!

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me. I have one……..I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap lying no-good rotten four-flushing low-life snake-licking dirt-eating inbred overstuffed ignorant blood-sucking dog-kissing brainless dickless hopeless heartless fat-ass bug-eyed stiff-legged spotty-lipped worm-headed sack of monkey shit He IS! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Michael Jackson's Health Fine- He's Just Becoming a Monkey

It shouldn't surprise anyone that Michael Jackson likes monkeys. Over the years it has been reported that he has owned and possibly still owns his own monkey. Bubbles was the most popular monkey that had been photographed with Jackson (see photo). What may surprise most is the main reason behind Jackson's facial changes and why he often keeps his face covered with a scarf. There is only one answer: It has been discovered that he is transforming himself into a primate.

Recent headlines from several magazines and tabloids have written Jackson is ill and may be fighting a life threatening disease. His spokesman came forward and said the rumors are not true and his health is fine. It is now being reported that the reason behind his recent hospital stays are for the final operations to transform him completely into a primate. "Michael wants to run free in the wild as a monkey. It's been his life quest for the last 20 years and he has spent millions in research and surgeries to get this far" says and inside source. "Once the final operation has been completed he will be flown to a discrete location where he will begin hius new life as one with primates. His human existance has been extremely painful as inside Michael is a Monkey. Once the process is complete, with the exception of his human brain, Michael will be a monkey."

Over the years researches have gradually given Jackson medications and surgeries so the primates will recognize him as one of their own. This has been the most diffucuklt task. Jackson also will have his own primate "smell" as over the years his body has been transformed to give off the primate odor; specifically an odor of dominance. This will allow him to fit in to which ever herd he desires. He may have to fight for leadership but he has been trained by the best.

This photo was recently discovered and was determined to be taken about 3 months ago. This clearly shows the near completion of Jackson's transformation. No one has seen Jackson since this photo was released so he may already be living at a zoo or another public primate viewing area adjusting and preparing for his ultimate release, or he may already be in the wild .

Just before the printing deadline this picture was sent in. We determined the image to be just

two days old. When we arrived at the location the Primate Exhibit had been closed down and dismantled. When confronted with the photo we were either ignored or the photo was brushed off as being "Photoshopped". We can neither conform or deny that this is Jackson, but we believe the evidence speaks for itself. Godspeed Michael...Godspeed.

Bristol Palin's Neighbors Cousins First Grade Substitute Teacher's Dog Trainer ARRESTED!

Another blow to Governor Palin's bid for run at the Presidency in 2012 has come to light due to another shady association. It seems that once again the Palin family can't shake the bad publicity, this time because Bristol Palin's neighbors cousins first grade substitute teacher's dog trainer was recently arrested. This was the dog trainers thrid offence for off-leash training in a public park where leash-laws are labeled and enforced. The arrest comes off the states three-strike rule.

"The Palin's just can't catch a break and Sarah really feels she could make a run in 2012" says one insider. "She (Palin) has to realize that her life is still an open book and if she continues to have dark stories from her past, or current associations with "shady" folks it's better to just stop now."

There has been no statement from the Palin Camp but it has to be assumed the news isn't being taken lightly. "Sarah is a perfectionist. Her hair, clothes (borrowed or owned), home; she has to have everything perfect. If it's not perfect she will convince you that it is." Says a former employee of the Governor, "she sure is a good talker."

If a run at the Presidency is in her future Palin really needs to get a grasp of the information that may arise, even more so then her run at the Vice Presidency. An investigator for the Democratic Party says, "Everything is fair-game. If it's out there we will find it, and if she really wants to do this (run for President) then she better turn over all her stones and be prepared to answer."

Largest 5 Year Old Sumo Wrestler Asked to Withdraw from Tournament

It has been questioned in the past but never has a situation like this arisen. Sumo wrestling for young children has always been broken out by age. 5-7 years old, 8-10, 10-12 and so on. A circumstance has come to light this year where the thought of breaking out the divisions by size is in the front court.

Enter Rhashim Kumoko who at the tender age of five has been named the most fearsome of his age group. Kumoko was granted an automatic birth into the semi-finals because of his undefeated record throughout the year. His opponent; the six year old reigning champion Samura Laminiche. Laminiche was no match (see photo) for Kumoko and the youngster luckily came out of the match with only a crushed ego.

As the final match was preparing to begin many parents and officials were conferring on if the

match should actually be allowed. The safety of Kumoko's opponent was the number one concern. Kumoko had never seriously injured someone, but his challenger was known for his persistence, and he would battle hard. As the discussions were taking place the two entered the ring and positioned themselves as two warriors would. Staring at each other the referee then entered the ring. The the three awaited the decision.

To the surprise off all in attendance Kumoko and his challenger, Yamiska Truseemoto, who also attend school together, arose from their positions and walked slowly towards one another. Stern looks across both of their faces quickly turned into smiles as they both extended their hands simultaneously. Shaking hands, signifying a tie in the match stunned the crowd! The two embraced then together raised their joined hands to the silenced fans.

Seems Kumoko and Truseemoto had planned this from the beginning. If they should make it to the finals the two friends would opt not to fight. Truseemoto did fear that if Kumoko was hungry he might eat him, but luckily this week Kumoko was on a carb-fee diet.

GM & Chrysler Owners Hit the Beaches of Maui

It was a difficult few weeks of begging and pleading but today it all paid off. This morning it was announced that GM & Chrysler would receive $17.4 billion dollars in loans. "We were relieved. It was a major victory" said a GM spokesman, "but we instantly realized that because of the way the books are handled at both companies that $17.4 was not a nice even number. We prefer 5's and 0's."

Accountants from GM & Chrysler met today at 8:45 a.m. and determined the money would best be split by 17. "This gives each company 8.5 billion. A much nicer number." This left .4 billion unaccounted for. By 9:00am a private luxury jet was fully catered and fueled. Accountants, executives and their families boarded the aircraft at 9:07 a.m. for a two week "business" trip to Maui.

While boarding the luxury liner a reporter caught up to them and asked one executive why they felt now was the best time to leave. The Executive was half way up the plane stairs and shouted, "We have a lot of work to do. We need to make sure each penny of the $17 billion is spent wisely so we can get through this down-time. Jobs will be lost, salaries will be reduced. Together we can squeeze each penny to its fullest but we need time. See you next year!"

It was also reported that the executives received a handsome holiday bonus along with a new Lexus. One factory worker who found out his salary was cut by a third and holiday bonuses for most were not available was shocked at the news. "I can't believe they didn't get American cars."

About an hour after the flight took off, all GM and Chrysler factories received the following fax from about 32,000 feet.

"As we prepare to sit down to a wonderfully catered meal on this flight that costs about $12,000 a minute to operate, so we can discuss the difficult days ahead, we have to pause and think of our loved ones. Everything we do is as a family, and as a family our companies will survive. So when you punch in on December 25th and work a shift and a half while receiving less pay just know that you are doing it for the family. As a gift to you all we will be ordering 7 pizzas for each factory. Please let the hungriest eat first. Happy Holidays."

New York Yankees Offer Madonna 1 Year $12 Million Dollar Contract

The New York Yankees have made yet another offer to a high-profile individual to assist in the ever growing cast of characters they are buying this off-season. Although this time the contract isn't being extended to a ball player but to a musician.

Madonna is reported to be in conversations with the Yankees front office negotiating a contract that will keep her with the Yankee slugger, Alex Rodriguez. Rodriguez and Madonna have recently opened up about their relationship and ever since Rodriguez's off season training has been over the top. "He's smiling, his skills as a third baseman are elevating and he is hitting the ball better then ever" one coach said.

Those who follow the Yankees, especially Rodriguez, understand how fragile his personality is. One Yankee player told us, "Alex puts a lot of pressure on himself, and when he isn't performing well it's hard for him to resurface. When he's happy he is at his best".

Ever since he began dating Madonna his attitude is better then ever and the Yankees have taken notice.

The Yankees have a lot of money invested in Rodriguez and they are obviosly willing to spend a little more to insure the deal. Although most people feel the relationship between Madonna and Rodriguez is "yucky" it can't be overlooked on how well he is playing.

Part of the $12 million does have performance bonuses built in. "Madonna is no amateur negotiator. She knows what she wants and how to get it."

It is being reported that there are added bonuses for Rodriguez batting over 300 for the year, having over 40 home runs, over 40 stolen bases and post season play. Totals that could bring the singer another $10 Million.

One inside source said that Madonna knows Rodriguez so well that she can figure out what works best to keep him happy and playing well. "Madonna told us that she knows just what to say or "do" to Alex to maintain his level of happiness. A happy Alex is a performing Alex and that's exactly what the Yankees want from this contract."

There has been no confirmation from the Yankees as of now, but inside sources tell us an announcement could come as soon as January 2nd.

The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

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An Ode to the Twinkie

New and "Improved" Fast Food.

The Funniest Dialogue From a Christmas Movie..EVER!

Michael Jackson's Health Fine- He's Just Becoming a Monkey

Bristol Palin's Neighbors Cousins First Grade Substitute Teacher's Dog Trainer ARRESTED!

Largest 5 Year Old Sumo Wrestler Asked to Withdraw from Tournament

GM & Chrysler Owners Hit the Beaches of Maui

New York Yankees Offer Madonna 1 Year $12 Million Dollar Contract

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