The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Searching for your ancestors? Wondering how far back you can go until you run into a dead end? Well go back far enough and you may get a little surprise.

Evolutionism has given humans close ties to apes as well as other theories that humans first emerged from the water or the air. Nowhere has a link to humans and chickens ever been discussed….until now.

The Jackson Laboratory’s recent discovery has shocked the science world. The Jackson Laboratory focuses on genetics research and they recently began using a new device that can scan deeper then ever thought imaginable. What they found in their test runs of the machine threw them into a direction that no one had seen coming.

“We took some genetic material from Geraldine, our lab chicken, just to use as a test subject. We weren’t looking for anything specific, just running a test. What we found was more then we bargained for.” said Xio Tsheu, the lead scientist in the genetic testing department. “After testing and retesting Geraldine we discovered a common human trait. After several more tests on Geraldine, as well as one of our lab technicians, we discovered an interesting commonality. This led us to the shocking realization that human’s....were once egg layers” said Tsheu , while shaking his head in disbelief. “This proves it..there can be no doubt”.

“This gives a whole new meaning for pregnant women who are nesting prior to giving birth” laughed David Jackmin, another scientist on Tsheu’s team. “The term really isn’t that far from the truth”.

Tsheu said the science is there but obviously there are no remains discovered to prove this. “Unless” says Tsheu, “There has been some government cover up, although I don’t know why they (the government) would hide this.”

Although Tsheu seemed genually bothered by his discovery he appeared to relax a bit by the end of the interview by stating, “At the least it takes the guess work out of it for anyone wondering what human tastes like.”

It had been kept a secret since the Great Depression but as all good things, some thing’s must to come to an end.

The private room in the North West Corner of the NYSE floor had always been thought of as a room where private deals were made but only a select group had keys. It was not a room used often over the years, but in recent months the room has seen an increase in visitors; this was the reason behind the recent investigation.

In documents recovered by an undercover agent, over the last 127 days the room had been visited 341 times. From several unnamed sources, prior to then the room was rarely visited; maybe three or four times in a month.

What was even more unsettling was that each visit into the room was followed by an extreme change in the DOW which led to fear there was something more going on in that room then just deals being made.

Unknowing to anyone, a hired private organization broke into the NYSE and installed hidden cameras in the private room and began a live feed. The results were shocking.

The layout of the room did not appear to be a room where business was being conducted but more like a room you would find in a brothel. Padded shelves, heart-shaped bed, a swing made for two, mirror on the ceiling, a refrigerator filled with whipped cream and strawberries a drawer with several sizes of fundie-undies (underwear with four leg holes) and a ‘quickie” table with padding and handles.

What was even more disturbing was when the room was scanned with high-tech devices an old but still functioning system of some sort was discovered. The “quickie” table and the heart-shaped bed appeared to be wired to one of the Main-Frame computers on the NYSE floor. This one computer was used particularly for predicting trends in the Market and the results this computer generates is a main reason for many to buy or sell. The investigation into the wiring of the sex-room to this Main-Frame computer had a very interesting find.

The private company who began to monitor this room witnessed several twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and even a fivesome enter this room to have sex. Thirty-three times this room was used over a two-week span. Twenty-Seven times the DOW fluctuated in extremes both up and down. Eighteen times the DOW fell and nine times the DOW rose. These results led to the next discovery.

It turns out that the “quickie” table was wired to a pressure plate, so when pressure was applied from the table to the wall a signal was programmed to tell the Main-Frame computer to show results that would cause people to sell. The more times and the faster the pressure was applied the quicker the computer would give results to sell and with more urgency. The same results were found on the bed that was wired in, but the programming from the bed would cause people to buy.

The room has since been shut down and the wiring removed in hopes that the Market will level out and hopefully have a smooth and steady rebound.

So if eighteen out of thirty-three stock brokers prefer a quickie on the table and nine out of the thirty-three stock brokers enjoyed the heart-shaped bed, leaving six stock brokers who like to do it differently, what does this all mean? In a down economy you are going to be much better off if you can look the person you are screwing in the eye.

A harmless children’s game has made its way into law enforcement for a small town just outside of Turtle Lake, North Dakota.

With a poor economy and lack or town funding, Sheriff R.P Train has taken on the duties of being the lone member of the law enforcement team as well as the town judge.

“The best course of action is a swift course of action” Sheriff Train explains. “Unless you killed someone or hurt someone real bad, I’m gonna give you a speedy and fair trial. You’ll go to jail or go home. No waitin’.” How does the Sheriff decide who’s going to jail? “I challenge ‘em to a Thumb-War.”

Several in the community are unsure of the Sheriff’s methods. “He’s lettin’ criminals go if they can beat him at thumb-wrestlin’ for Pete’s sake. That ain’t right!”

The Sheriff doesn’t deny this, but he also claims he has never been beat. “I fine ‘em, put it in there permanent record then challenge them to a thumb-war. If they lose they hit the cell for at least 24 hours. The little ones also get an atomic wedgie and I hang ‘em from the flag pole for an hour or two. Then I let passers-by throw shit at ‘em. Yup, I leave a bucket of horse shit right out there.”

The Sheriff understands that this may not be the best solution, but with their current situation it’s the best option available. “It’s a small community so I’m hopeful this method will get us through this tough patch. Hey, if it works I’ll keep doin’ it. If not, when we can afford it I’ll re-hire the judge and get me a deputy.”

So far crime is down 7% so even those who are skeptical understand that some good is coming from the Sheriff’s methods. The only downside to all of this is that the money the town was saving was almost immediately dissolved. The local physician had to bring in an expert to perform a procedure that he was not familiar with. This doctor was a specialist in the field of Wedgscropothagy. Wedgscropothagy is the removal of objects imbedded deep into the atrix-quadrant of the anal sphincter.

Ben & Jerry’s are under the microscope this week as they prepare to release their newest flavor. Ben & Jerry’s have been praised many times in the past for their clever and sometimes unusual flavor names; this time they may have gone too far. The newest flavor to hit the shelves is named, “Bearded Clam”, yes, we repeat, “Bearded Clam”.

Bearded Clam is made with their much anticipated release of the new, totally organic vanilla flavor that is darker then most vanilla flavors, resembling the color of a clam. The “Bearded Clam” flavor is the new vanilla ice cream with chunks of dark chocolate in the shape of tiny, little clams.

“Are people in that company totally insane!?” Do they realize what that means?” argued one confused customer.

What she is referring to is the name of the flavor. “Bearded Clam” also is used in the English language to describe a part of the female anatomy.

“I don’t find this funny at all” says C.Face of Bristol, Vermont. “Most of their [Ben & Jerry’s] ice cream have great names. I always praised them for their creativity. They have gone too far this time and I am boycotting their ice cream…no matter how good it tastes!”

Others find the new flavor name daring and amusing. “I love it! My new favorite thing is eating Bearded Clam! I even found a hair in mine and I didn’t care. It tasted so good what’s a hair or two!” exclaimed one excited individual who was part of the advanced taste screening.

The Ben & Jerry’s Company has remained mostly silent through the controversy, and as far as one can tell they are still planning to release the flavor. Ben & Jerry’s has only issued the following statement thus far:

We at Ben & Jerry’s create high quality ice cream products with great flavor and fun names. Some enjoy the names and the flavors and others do not. With the release of our newest flavor, “Bearded Clam” we expect the same kind of response. There will be people that enjoy eating Bearded Clam and there will be others who do not; maybe even find it disgusting. We accept that because that’s the way it is; it’s the American Way.

GW – I am spending time on the book every day.

GW - My goal is to bring the reader inside the Oval Office for the most consequential moments of my personal and political life.

GW - I look forward to painting a vivid picture of the information I had, the principles I followed, and the decisions I made.

Today the Michael Phelps interview with Matt Lauer was played on the popular television news show, the Today Show. Throughout the entire interview it was easy to decipher what was the truth and what was cream filled fluff pouring out of his mouth.
The following are actual quotes from the interview followed by his true, inner, Brain Twinkey thoughts:

Phelps: I know if I start training again... I know I can't do anything wrong once I'm in the pool.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: When I kick my dope habit I’ll try and swim again…when I swim I can’t do anything wrong because I’m swimming. It’s hard to smoke pot or drive drunk while doing that!

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MATT LAUER: I have to ask you, were you smoking pot?
MICHAEL PHELPS: It was a bad mistake. I mean, we all know what, you know, what you and I are talking about. It's a stupid mistake. You know, bad judgment. And it's something that, you know, I have to, and I want to teach other people not to make that mistake

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS – No Matt – I like to place my mouth on all cylinder objects with dirty, smelly water. Then I like to watch other people put their mouth on it too. It’s cool.

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MATT LAUER: We're living in a world right now, Michael, where people have a cell phone and it was a camera. Were you aware that anyone had taken a photo that night? That anyone was taking pictures? Is that, maybe, a lesson to be learned here? That not everybody's your friend?
MICHAEL PHELPS: Yeah. You know, people think, you know, it's funny at times. Take a picture with a cell phone... I'll say that there are a lot of people out there who want to take advantage of any situation they have.... I trusted my friends who were there about who they were. And clearly they weren't trusted people... Sometimes you learn the hard way.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: The asshole with the camera better not walk down any dark ally’s. The money he made from selling that picture will barley cover his hospital bill.

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MATT LAUER:But when you first saw the picture, when you first laid eyes on it and realized what it was a picture of, did you calculate at that point the fallout? Did you start to think how damaging this could be to you personally and your career?
MICHAEL PHELPS:It's not about money to me. So, you know, the-- the contract side of things, yeah, I was disappointed. But, you know, I think the biggest thing is-- is who I hurt the most. Like, if I lost money, okay. It's not an issue with me.

BRAIN TWINKEY PHELPS: I thought the picture was cool. I printed it out and put it on my fridge. Then I sent the link to a bunch of my buds! I don’t do math so I wouldn’t know how to calculate much.