The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

President Obama gave another impressive and inspiring speech this past Tuesday (2/24/09) but the results he was looking for maybe overshadowed by the overexcited Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi was noticeably excited by the spotlight and on many occasions rose to her feel with the spirit of a teenage cheerleader, leading the room in applause.

Time and time again Pelosi was first to her feet and several times she rose and clapped early, anticipating the President and what he was about to say, proving her allegiance.

After one particular statement The President verbalized regarding the nation’s children, Pelosi rose to her feet so quickly the camera was unable to keep her in the picture. What was most startling was what the camera caught the next time Pelosi rose:

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that one of the most popular Mardi Gras traditions is for women to collect beaded necklaces by lifting their shirts, revealing a part of their anatomy that most men really enjoy viewing. This ritual usually starts with men yelling and pleading to the ladies, “Show us you t$@s!” After the women show their body to the anxious viewers the women are then showered with beaded necklaces. After a short time men quickly identify women with more beads then the normal Mardi Gras attendee and focus their request to them, although no woman is safe from the request. This has been going on for years.

Since Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans has been rebuilding and doing whatever they can to attract tourists and business. Mardi Gras is a huge draw and has been the building blocks over the last few years to the city's new growth. This year organizers are trying to clean up the event to hopefully attract tourists who would otherwise stay home.

This year’s motto for the Mardi Gras..... “Show us your pits.”

“We really think this will work!” says Mardi Gras organizer Dr. Acula. “It’s a funny twist to what people are used to and I’m sure it will be a hit.”

Several street artists are now promoting “Pit Paint”. This"Pit Paint" will be used for under-arm designs for display upon the new request. One clever artist has been practicing painting topless women in the under-arm area. “It’s the old with the new” he explains. "It's a great idea!"

Many of the 18-25 crowd are displeased and feel it’s destined to fail. “I’m not throwing beads at someone for showing me their armpit!” said Chris Ianni, an annual attendee of Mardi Gras. “That’s just gross! My beads will go to the topless and only the topless.”

Dr. Acula understands how the youth feels, but “..it’s what is best for the city and the event. It won’t stop people from flashing their bodies, but the threat of getting a ticket will hopefully clean up the event. Families bring in revenue and we want a family friendly event." The Doctor concluded, "Another great thing is that everyone is now on an even keel to get beads. Everyone has an armpit; not everyone has, well you know".

Defining the word friend:

Dictionary.com - Friend (noun)- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Facebook.com – Friend (noun) – Someone who clicks “Accept Friend” when a “Friend Request” is made by any one of the millions of cyber- soles with a Facebook account.

Millions of people from around the world have used social networking, mostly Facebook.com to not only find long lost friends but to also create new relationships. As Facebooks popularity grew, so did these so called “friends” that many were gaining and adding to their profiles. The only difference was that over 90% of all Facebook accounts contain “friends” who individuals have never met or even spoken to, taking the word "friend" and giving it a twist. Most Facebookers do have several of their real friends (‘friends’ being the dictionary.com definition from above) listed in their Facebook friends list, but many social outcasts will tell you they have never met most of, if any of their Facebook friends except in chat. They can't even tell you if the Facebook photo is real.

Even celebrities have Facebook pages with thousands of friends listed but most, if not all of those so called “friends” have never seen this person except in the tabloids or Silver Screen.

Some Facebookers have been known to even create an alter-ego, basically creating a non-existent person and giving them a personality. You can find many of these so called Fakebookers listed as friends to many, solidifying the word 'friend's definition demise. The word 'friend' is now literally in transformation.

So what happens when Facebook finally shuts down their servers and locks their office doors? Will another social networking site take its place? Will all of Facebook Nation be able to contact their Facebook friends ever again? It could be mass hysteria with thousands attempting to gather new email addresses and other non-Facebook methods of communication.

But where will you go? It’s unlikely that every one of your Facebook friends will cyber-travel to the same location as you. So who are your real friends? Do you really have any? Will any of your Facebook friends follow you or allow you to follow them?

Will you become friendless?

The demise of Facebook could be just the turn of luck the word “friend” is looking for. Where a friend is actually someone who you know and have spoken to before. Maybe even spent face-to-face time with or chatted with on the phone! Someone who understands you in the physical sense, not just words on a screen.

Yes! The word friend will then revert back to its original meaning and people will once again rejoice in this new, yet old form of communication! Then maybe, just maybe the faceless world will regain its form and we can embrace the physical world once again.

Mittsburgh, OK – Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when children ages 6-15 gather in a central location here in the United States for the annual “Gross Me Out Awards”. This is where children are free to put together something that will gross out a panel of judges. The winner will be someone who obviously can gross the panel out the most.

All who enter have their ideas submitted to a committee who then validate that whatever the child is going to do is safe. The idea is to have some fun and to not endanger any contestants so being creative is also essential.

This year’s winner goes to young eight year old Dudley Dawson of Meauwcus, RI. Since Dudley first heard of this competition two years ago he began creating a “Booger Ball” in hopes of winning the award.

In a private exhibit hall the committee went through all of the contestants to choose the top three to meet with the judges and the committee were very impressed with Dawson’s creation. Not only had he collected all his “boogers” for the last two years, he also documented each one and how it was removed (index finger and pinkie finger were his more popular methods), also when and where. Several were removed from a kleenex after a sneeze and even some had to be placed in his pocket if removed away from home. But what was most noticeable was the care that was taken for his “Booger Ball”. Dawson created a glass case with similar traits of a humidor, so not only was the Booger Ball disgusting, it was also moist!

Question: How can you take the record holder for all Gold Medals in a single Olympics as well as all time off of the front page of every newspaper across the world after a photo of him taking a bong-hit has been leaked? Have A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees) admit to taking PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs) after his name was leaked from a test that was taken in 2003 that was supposed to be anonymous. What are the odds of that happening, and happening at the most ideal time for Phelps? A billion to one!

Phelps reportedly is going to give one of his Gold Medals to Rodriguez as thanks. Never in his (Phelps) wildest thoughts could he have come up with this. Phelps told friends he had been sitting at home trying to figure out ways to get himself and that picture off of the front pages and covers of newspapers and magazines. When nothing came to mind Phelps began praying for a natural disaster or a high profile murder or celebrity drug bust, anything! It would take something catastrophic for his story to disappear.

Phelps was brought into an emergency room just after the news of A-Rod first hit as Phelps cracked his head on his ceiling after jumping for joy and disbelief. Although it wasn't that head-wound that brought him to the hospital. Phelps fell off his couch and hit his head again when A-Rod did his interview with Peter Gammon's and admitted his PED use.

While in the hospital Phelps watched when the President of the United States was asked about A-Rod and steroids during his first Prime Time speech as President. He instantly went into cardiac arrest but recovered almost instantly, probably realizing that the heat on him has all but passed.

Let's just hope for Phelps that if he ever took PED's he never gets caught.

Kellogg’s Corp. today made a surprising announcement that instead of firing Michael Phelps as most predicted they are embracing him changing their entire ad campaign.

Pedro De Pacas, President of Advertising for Kellogg’s explains, “We have always focused on families when producing our breakfast cereal and never really tapped into the “stoner” market. Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger were both the brainchild of one of our top engineers during an acid flashback so we feel Frosted Flakes has now comefull circle.“

De Pacas continued. “Angered at the quickness that regular Corn Flakes became soggy, he experimented on sticking sugar to the flakes one evening while he was hallucinating. Once the experiment was completed he ate them exclaiming, “They’re Great!” and looking at himself in the mirror scared himself silly as his refection looked like a cartoon tiger. The next evening while he was recovering he smoked some marijuna and proceeded to eat 7 bowls of his new creation.”

In recent studies Kellogg’s has also realized that even though their target market has been children there are more young adults eating Frosted Flakes. It seems in the pot smoking underworld Frosted Flakes is like the Filet Mignon of munchies. Phelps’s recent idiocy has opened the door to a market that until now has never been explored.

"We have been wating for this door to open." De Pacas says. “We understand that we could take a serious hit here (no pun intended) but we feel it’s worth a shot.”

An interesting thing happened to The Zone recently where a reader sent in a question to our email inbox. We, the Zone Staff, felt it deserved a response. Not only did the question deserve a response we felt that the response would be best answered in a post. Here is the question that we received with our response.

Dear BrainTwinkey,

I have been reading your posts for some time and I keep asking myself the same question over and over again: Do you really like Twinkies? You have mentioned Twinkies several times and even written a poem about them. If you do really like Twinkies where do you rank them with other snack food? Thanks, Julie B - San Antonio

Dear Julie,

It's funny that you ask this question as you are not the first one to ask (you are the second). Although I have to wonder if you have ever actually had a Twinkie before? THEY'RE DELICIOUS! Soft, golden, sweet spongy cake on the outside, and wonderfully sweet cream filling. It's the perfect combination. Throw a slice of Vermont Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese into the mix and heaven awaits!
Sure, there are other things you can snack on that are healthier, and please, have a healthy snack from time to time. But when you are having one of those days where nothing seems to please you, head for that gas station quick mart, dust off the oldest Twinkie on the shelf and dive into freedom!

Everyone is aware of the difficult times the world economy is going through and many have used this to their advantage. Take Geico for example: They have been using a Gecko and cavemen to promote their services for many years and now have introduced a stack of money with eyeballs. This gives potential customers a visual on what the money looks like that they could save by switching to Geico. This "Money-Stack Guy" (or G-Stack) is also accompanied by music, although the money stack has no legs so it does not dance.

In previous reports there have been documented cases of the cavemen and the Gecko not getting along (http://braintwinkey.blogspot.com/2008/09/geico-gecko-and-caveman-ad-fails.html ) and even an instance where a caveman ate one of the Gecko stunt men. But never a case so unfortunate is this:

Tough times has many scrambling to save money and spend less but the recent incident with G-Stack has some now fearing for their life. G-Stack's contract doesn't pay very much for the first year but first year success could put the next years salary up near the Cavemen and Gecko. Unfortunately that wasn't helping G-Stack's immediate problem so it decided to deposit itself into a Money Market Account to grow some interest. This way in a few months it could go out and get a place of its own, similar to a college graduate moving home after graduation. Although the plan seemed like a good idea, G-Stack didn't realize he was signing it's own death warrant.

The problem that G-Stack was not aware of was that its denominations would instantly be split up when entering the banks cash drawer and then these denominations would be handed out to people but most likely separate. G-Stack vision of being placed in a private room where over time more pieces would be added to his "stack" was quickly quashed when at the Bank Teller Window took its eyes. G-Stack's eyes were plucked from its body and placed next to two Troll Dolls, a messed up Rubik's Cube and a mini fan. G-Stack then watched as the Teller ripped its body apart and placed its different pieces into different slots in a drawer till then slammed shut. G-Stack was mortified but felt at the least its parts were safe. This was until some human came to the window and signed the back of a piece of paper, handing it to the teller. G-Stack watched as several of its body parts were torn from the till and handed to this stranger. If G-Stack was more then just a pair of eyes he would have screamed!

Representatives from the Geico Ad Company became aware of the situation but it was too late. Although they found the pair of eyeballs, all of the original denominations were gone. A brief service was held for G-Stack but fans were assured that G-Stacks replacement would work as hard as it could to fill G-Stacks shoes, even though G-Stack had no feet.

Today the world morns....