The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008: April 2009

Inflatable Doll Company Recalls Thousands of “Mary Dolls” Because of STD

The world’s largest producer of “adult” toys has issued an urgent recall of over 75,000 inflatable sex dolls because the dolls reportedly have an STD. The Company, “Solo-Love” immediately posted the recall after three warehouse inspectors were diagnosed with STD’s. Reports are also coming in from all over the world with individuals who claim to be in a monogamous relationship with a doll, coming down with a variety of STD’s.

A statement was released from the Solo-Love Company:

“We here at Solo-Love have always produced the highest quality of adult toy and we are devastated to find out or most popular item, the Mary Doll, is carrying an STD. We are giving all customers a 100% no-questions asked refund as well a $25 gift card for their next purchase. We are terribly sorry about this.”

To most the apology is not enough. One anonymous individual is refusing to return his Mary Doll. “I love her.” He told us. “She is my friend and my lover and I’m not just going to throw her away. You don’t just throw away a loved one because they are sick. There must be something I can do to cure her.” When we informed him the recall wasn’t because the doll was “sick” but because he could get the STD she was carrying, he had no response.

As the situation escalated investigators began to uncover the real truth about the dolls and the STD’s that some are carrying. The three inspectors who were diagnosed with the STD’s not only inspect the dolls as they come off the assembly line they are also instructed to “test-drive” them. Each of these men, as it turns out, all have different STD’s and they tested each doll out without wearing protection, thus infecting the dolls and sending them off.

Jacob Moore of Flatsburgh, Tennessee gave the following statement when he was told about the recall, “That cheating bitch! I knew I smelled cologne the second I began to inflate her! The sex wasn’t that good either. Take her away, I can’t look at her anymore.” Moore was last seen in tears with a balled-up doll heading for the dumpster.

Magnetic Paint in Yankee Stadium Bleachers Causing Home Run Derby In Stadium

14 Home Runs into right field over the first four home games at the New Yankee Stadium has many scratching their heads and wondering if the architecture of the new stadium is to blame. Some are theorizing that the direction the stadium is facing includes a natural breeze that seems to carry routine fly balls over the wall in right field.

While the Yankees are playing away games this weekend the stadium has been packed with meteorologists and other scientists to determine if the wind currents are to blame or is the reason behind the home runs just a combination of bad pitching and/or great hitting.

The preliminary results have them scratching their heads even more.

When the new Yankee Stadium was designed one of the plans was to keep the "look" of the old staduim to the new. A similar look and same field dimensions were atop of the list.

They also didn't want to upset the well known "Bleacher-Creatures" which is the nickname of the bleacher section from the right field seats. This section in the new stadium was also to be designed to mimic the old.

When the right field bleachers were completed it was quickly noted that the color of the seats that were ordered and installed was wrong. In order to copy the color from the old stadium a special paint had to be produced with a unique combination of colors. This way the new seats would actually look worn and discolored and maybe fool the novice Yankee Fan into believing the seats were actually removed and installed from the old stadium.

The unique combination of colors, as well as some metallic substances (used to create the perfect color match) were mixed together. It turns out this combination has created a type of magnetic force that attracts the rubber cement that is used to coat the center of a MLB baseball, towards the seats in right field.

"Ooops!" said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, "Although it's a relief that we at leat know the cause. Although the amount of time it will take to redo the bleacher section will take longer than any road trip the Yankees will take this year so the change will have to occur during the off season."

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is trying to decide if they should just let the season play out, or if they should look into a new design for the official baseball.

"The Yankees are the greatest show on Earth and I will let them choose" said Selig. "They generate so much revenue for the league that upsetting that franchice would be not only a career mistake but it could also ruin the game entirely. I'll talk to the Steinbrenner's and I'm sure if I agree with their decision, at the least they would pay off the mortgage on my Manhatten Pent House."

There has been no comment at this point from the Yankees in response to Selig's comments.

Man Decides To Live Every Day As If It Were His Last – Arrested After Just 2 Hours

Gerald Balzack was not terminally ill. He was not heading to prison and not filing for a divorce; there wasn’t anything wrong with him whatsoever. What he was, was a man in mid-life crises who felt like he was in a rut and a change was needed.

Balzack spent hours looking for answers wherever he could; he read magazines, searched the Internet and watched countless hours of Oprah looking for some kind of a spark only to find nothing. He thought because the world was in its technological stage and information about anything was just a click or two away that his problem would be solved easily and quickly…..he was mistaken.

Then one day while reading the USA Today he opened up to a full page add that was titled, “Live Everyday like it was your last!” It was like being struck by a bolt of lightning.

People who survive life threatening accidents, surgery or anything serious are always saying to live life to the fullest; treat each day like it was your last. This was it! This was the spark he was searching for!

But how do you do that? Balzack began to realize that it takes a total transformation of your mind-set. In order to live each day like it was your last you would have to convince your mind that this day really is your last. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today? Balzack went to bed with a smile on his face as he realized that tomorrow was the first, last day of his life.

Balzack woke up and threw on his bathrobe. As he opened the front door to breath in the fresh morning air the paper boy approached him. Balzack smiled and reached out to receive the paper from the boy. Balzack rolled it up ever so carefully and then smacked the paperboy across the head while laughing hysterically! The paperboy stood in shock only to receive a back-handed smack across the face with the same newspaper. The paperboy turned and ran only to be chased down the front walk while Balzack was swinging the rolled up newspaper, still laughing.

He sat down on his front steps exhausted but was now confident that his new life decision was just what he needed. He carefully began to plan the next part of his day.

Unfortunately for him the paperboy’s father was a police officer and before he could do anything else he was arrested and taken down to the police station. Unable to make bail he sat in a cell until his hearing where he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for aggravated assault on a minor.

During his sentencing the judge told him, "Son...Today is not the last day of your life. Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Democrats in Uproar Over Louisiana Governor’s Flatulence During Obama Discussion

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal who is in the front running for the Republican nominee for the 2012 Presidential election had an unfortunate incident during a recent press conference. Governor Jindal had a very untimely bout with flatulence while answering a question about Obama, although Democrats don’t find the timing accidental whatsoever.

Governor Jindal has been critical of just about everything Obama has done since Obama’s first televised speech. In his recent ranting a reporter asked Governor Jindal if he was willing to reveal his true personal feelings about Obama and his administration. Governor Jindal replied, “What my true feelings about the man are not important. My only concern is what is best for this country and the people who live here. My only goal is to continue what I believe in.”

What has democrats so upset is that during the before mentioned response it appears that Governor Jindal broke wind.

After the statement, “What my true feelings about the man are not important..” you can see the Governor lean slightly to the right. Fortunately for the Governor there happened to be a lot of background noise in the room and no one noticed.

A reporter for CBS News was preparing for the evening news and reviewed the tape; what he uncovered at first seemed not possible so he brought in an audio specialist to assist him in his research. The audio specialist examined the tape and was able to remove several noise layers which uncovered the sound the reporter had hoped to hear. Governor Jindal purposely farted in response to his feelings about Obama.

Democrats across the country are furious and are pressing Governor Jindal to immediately admit his actions and apologize. This would most certainly ruin his chance at running for President and throw another negative spin on a party that is trying to dig itself out of the dirt.

The Governor’s Office posted a statement that says “..whether or not the Governor happened to “break wind” during the days press conference has nothing to do with his opinion of the President. If there was a bodily release it was a natural occurrence and should not be seen as more than that. This Office is appalled at the allegation that the Governor would use a fart to describe his personal feelings about the President. The man is very well educated and surely could come up with a more intellectual response just as he did following the supposed gas release.”

The group "Farts for Freedom" have now endorsed Governor Jindal for the 2012 election.

Tired of Junk Mail in Your Mailbox? Group Fights Back!

"Recycle....recycle....recycle....bill...recycle." This is the typical out loud discussion that millions of Americans have between themselves and their mail. Thousands of hours are spent each year opening mail to only find out it's junk, or immediately ripping and recycling (or throwing away, depending on the State you live in) because the envelope is a give-away that the content is of no interest.

There is probably no way to ever end the endless train that is junk mail, primarily because a lot of these junk mail distributors and using a name with the subheading stating "Or Current Resident". If you ever ask for a company to stop sending you junk mail, it doesn't stop that company from selling their list of names and addresses to whoever asks, and more junk mail piles up.

Recently a group of people got together to fight back!

The group (named The Junk Mail Bandits) decided as a whole that they would open every piece of junk mail that they received, and any letters that had return envelopes with prepaid postage would be immediately put in the mailbox. "They are wasting my time by sending this to me and I never asked for it" said the groups leader, Jon Potter. "Especially Capitol One! I get two, sometimes three pieces of junk mail from them a day! So I send back the return postage-paid envelope empty; other times I will put the items they sent me right back to them. Make them pay the postage! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"

What started out as a group of 5 has now escalated to an unknown number as many who are not affiliated with the group have also began the return mail.

"It's kind of fun." said one person who wished to remain anonymous. "I don't find opening the junk mail is a waste of my time anymore. I actually look forward to it."

It is unknown how this is affecting the junk mail companies, but one can hope that the outcome could reduce the number of junk letters being sent.

The First Dog is a Leg Humper

Politicians, Foreign Diplomats and Presidents beware when entering the Oval Office. Usually the intimidation factor being in the most powerful nations head office is the most common cause for stress. Now there is a new fear for all who enter....

It’s Bo the First Dog.

Bo (who is a Portuguese water dog) was introduced yesterday amongst dozens of reporters on The White House Lawn to a very optimistic Obama family. The optimism quickly turned to disgust as Mr. Obama later introduced Bo to his Chief of Staff (Rahm Emanuel) in the Oval Office. Mr. Obama’s vision of a slumbering dog at his feet while he signs important documents

took a drastic turn for the worse. Bo slowly approached Emanuel and then without warning proceeded to take hold of his left leg and pump wildly. Before Emanuel could react the dog was finished and Emanuel’s suit was ruined.

In hopes of a fluke reaction by Bo, Obama invited in his Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, into the Oval Office for a meeting. Unfortunately the same outcome, although during the incident Obama made light of the situation and proved he is somewhat of a movie buff. He modified a quote spoken by Randy Quaid in the movie Christmas Vacation by saying, “A word of warning Bob; it's best to just let him finish.”

The Obama’s are not commenting on Bo’s bad habit, although it is now rumored that a pet psychologist has been notified and is on route to the White House to assist in the situation.

When asked if the Obama’s will search for a new pet the White House responded by saying that “In no means will the Obama’s abandon their new family member. Steps will be taken to help Bo kick his habit. Maybe Bo and Mr. Obama can work together so while Bo is being assisted in quitting leg humping, Mr. Obama can work on quitting smoking.”

New ShamWow® Toilet Paper Introduced. ShamGross!

You know the ads and you probably know the product. The ShamWow® ads are plastered across all media outlets with the spiky-haired dude named Vince explaining the amazing absorption quality of the ShamWow® . The ads claim that the ShamWow® can hold 12 times its own weight, it can easily remove cola, wine and pet stains, doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess, machine washable and bleachable and lasts ten years. Because of the above, purchasing the ShamWow® will save you time and money and so far has been a great success. So successful that the ShamWow® Company is expanding into a direction that many are finding a bit icky.

Here is the rough copy of how the ad will sound:

“Hi everyone, it’s me Vince again. I’m here introducing the new ShamWow® TP! Don’t wipe and drop it in the toilet. No, not anymore folks! Let's wipe and then throw it in the sink. You heard me! Front side or back side it doesn’t matter! Just rinse, squeeze, then place it on the specially designed ShamWow® TP Holder and it’s ready for the next person! Save the environment, don’t pollute it! You’ll not only save hundreds of dollars a year in toilet paper costs but you will be helping in saving the planet too. ShamWow® TP. It’s cool to wipe and reuse!”

Many people (mostly the tree-hugging crunchy-granola’s) are praising the idea stating how getting back to basics will clean the environment, where stock holders are holing their breath. One can only image how the public will react.

If successful it is being reported that ShamWow® will also experiment with several other ideas. ShamWow® Diapers is next to roll off the assembly line being dubbed the cloth diaper of the future. If successful this will be followed by a special ShamWow® for ladies: Yes, you guessed it. ShamPons® and ShamPads®.

ShamGross!

Adopted Rabbit Searches Blood Line - Proves Easter Bunny Is Dad

Billy Bunny's story was an old story but not a new story. Similar to the thousands of adopted and orphaned bunnies that are scattered across the world Billy didn't know who his parents were. In Billy's case he wasn't even certain who his cousins were, even though Bunny History told him he probably had hundreds if not thousands of cousins and half brothers and sisters.

Billy was born an orphan.

He was discovered wrapped gently in a cabbage leaf, pink and adorable resting quietly in front of a bunny orphanage. Although there were hundreds of new born bunnies present, something about Billy was very unique and he was adopted almost immediately.

Billy was very fortunate to have been adopted by a caring and loving family and was raised privileged, but he always felt the need to search out his "real" parents and when he was of age he set out.

Billy was exceptionally bright and used his skills to find his parents by using blood tests. Every bunny he met he would draw blood and test it. It didn't take him long to discover a cousin and from there all of the pieces began to fall into place. After several days he found what he was looking for and what he discovered was not like anything he could have predicted as his father was none other then the Easter Bunny.

"He could be mine" said the Easter Bunny during a phone interview, "Although most of my children go on an assist me at Easter. I have thousands of children and hundreds of mates...that's right, I said hundreds! If he is mine there is no way I will be able to identify who his mother is!" said the Easter Bunny. "Each mate is supposed to venture off before giving birth and they are responsible to take the children and teach them the skills of the trade. Hiding & coloring eggs, filling baskets, walking in parades etc. Then during the Easter season they help. I would love to be everywhere at once but who do you think I am? Santa! If he is mine his abandonment is not my fault, although if he's looking for a job I suppose I could find him something"

Billy was very discouraged by the Easter Bunny's comments and decided that meeting him was not in his best interest. Even though his blood line guaranties him a fruitful life and being an Easter Bunny is every bunnies dream he felt his destiny was elsewhere.

Billy's story quickly spread through the bunny world and he was approached by many who felt sorry for him. Billy was flattered by all of the attention he received and it wasn't until he was approached by the next most famous bunny when he realized his destiny.

Streaker at Augusta Removes Tiger's Ball From Fairway - With His Butt Cheeks

The Master's tradition is like no other in the golf world. Tradition, pride, history....and now streakers. But outside of the norm this streaker did not just "streak" across the playing field; no, this streaker strategically positioned himself in the area where a perfect drive from one of the golfer, specifically Tiger Woods, would land. Woods, being the most followed golfer on the course would have cameras on his every shot. On the par 5, 530 yard 15th hole Woods hit a perfect and long tee shot. As the cameras followed Woods' shot at the precise moment the ball stopped the streaker had already begun his run.

The tee shot came to a halt just as the streaker reached Woods' ball. The man then squatted over the ball and sat and then rose quickly with the ball sandwiched between is buttocks and ran off of the fairway.

While most stared at the streaker in shock one man had the courage to tackle this man as he darted into the crowd. He tackled the streaker by the ankles sending the man quickly to the ground with extreme force. The golf ball became dislodged from between the man's cheeks, deflected off of a bystanders metal leg of his folding chair and rolled gently onto the fairway approximately 35 yards further down the fairway than the original drive. The man was quickly removed by Augusta security and play continued.

Tour rules have no ruling for such an event and after a lengthy discussion by officials Woods was required to play the ball where it lyes. Woods protested that he should be allowed to change his ball and have his next shot from the area of the original spot but his request was overruled. If he changed his ball Woods would receive a one stroke penalty. Even after the examination of the ball revealed a "skid mark" no overturning of the rule would be allowed. Woods stood in amazement but after a few minutes Woods addressed the ball and hit a beautiful drive that set him up for an Eagle putt.

Woods, obviously distracted by the event birdied the hole and was only then allowed to use a new ball.

Inspired By Obama Visit - Queen Visits Local Basketball Courts

United States President Barack Obama made an everlasting impression on Queen Elizabeth this past week as the Queen cancelled Sunday afternoon tea to visit a few local basketball courts.

The Queen said she didn't understand the President's passion for the sport and wanted first-hand knowledge.

Within 24 hours the Queen had a custom pair of Nike High-Tops made (to match the color of her dress) and the next day she was driven two hours to the local public ball courts.

The Queen waved and posed for pictures all the while looking surprisingly comfortable in these elements. One of her assistants brought a basketball and handed it to her. The Queen looked confused but proceeded to wave and smile while still holding the ball under her non-waving arm. When one of her assistants suggested she dribble the ball the Queen looked him off and decided to wave and smile instead. Another assistant motioned to her that she should take a shot, and with a very subtle shake of her head the Queen continued to wave and smile.

Then, without any warning the Queen put the rock on the floor and with a spin move took off down the court. The ball moved gracefully through her legs and around her back. As she approached the hoop her speed accelerated and picked up the ball...two magnificent steps later she was air born and reverse dunked! The Queen, facing away from the hoop with a reverse grip on the rim raised both of her knees and then released, sending her to the ground where she then stopped; stood up gracefully and dusted herself off. Without a word she slowly proceeded back to her automobile standing next to her door awaiting her driver to let her in.

Using Human Feces in Mulch Closes Eco-Friendly Landscape Company

Springtime is here! The grass is turning green, flowers are blooming and the air is smelling fresh. It’s a wonderful time of year, except for many in the southwest corner of Indiana.

Many new businesses have been appearing over the last several years who advertise being Eco-Friendly. It’s the ‘in’ things these days as the world is trying to do more to save the environment by putting less artificial items into it. For local business owner Brady Hart this was his intention when he started Eco-Scape, his Eco-Friendly landscaping company.

From bio-diesel trucks to mulch made from dead trees, Hart’s business not only produced high quality work, but was also friendly to the environment.

The word of his business spread quickly through the County as most residents here took pride in their homes appearance. It also didn't hurt that all of the contracts Eco-Scape currently had from the previous year had the most wonderful gardens anyone had ever seen, so everyone was anxious for Hart’s service.

Before the snow had even melted, Eco-Scape had 35 new customers on top of the 26 from the previous year. For a three-man business they were maxed out.

The three-man crew worked from dusk until dawn everyday, always arriving on time and only leaving when the job was done. Everyone was extremely pleased with the pre-spring preparations and as the snow finally melted and plant-life began it was time for preparing the flower beds and of course, mulching. It was rumored that the homemade mulch mixture was the reason behind the amazing flower beds.

All of the dreams of those beautiful flowerbeds and lawns came to an abrupt halt one April morning.

During a routine business inspection the crew of Eco-Scape was discovered mixing human feces with bark mulch in preparation for their mulch-spreading weekend. It turns out that the three men built a storage tank and attached it to their toilet where they continuously added to the content. From this tank they made all of their eco-friendly mulch, plant food and lawn fertilizer. As there are no current laws in Indiana that say this is illegal there was nothing the law enforcemnt official could do(besides vomit in his mouth). All that he could do was to report his findings to all of their customers who of course, promptly discontinued Eco-Scapes service.

None of the Eco-Scape customers were willing to be interviewed although one person commented anonymously. “We always thought things smelled a bit different then the normal fertilizer that we used. We figured that because it was environmentally safe the smell was just a side affect. It got better after a week or so anyway.” They continued, “Our yard and flowers looked so wonderful we actually thought about keeping them on. Of course we couldn’t because it’s really gross.”

April Fool’s Day Prankster Gets His Fist Stuck Up His Ass

Sometimes the best pranks are played on the ones who are attempting a prank themselves. Get-the-getter (as it has been nicknamed) has become common practice for those who wish to prank the prankster, and there is no better time to do this then on April Fool’s Day.

This year’s spotlight get-the-getter is on Cleatus Clemper, a farmer in northern Pennsylvania. Clemper comes from a small community and is considered by many the town jokester. Over the years Clemper has short-changed sheets, removed clothing and towels from bathrooms while someone was in the shower, put salt on people toothbrushes, and has placed cups of water on the top of partially opened doors, to name a few. This year many knew they could be the next victim so a few townsmen got together and made a plan.

On the evening of March 31st the men drove up to Clemper’s farm and snuck over to the penned area where his donkey lived. In a giant pot the men had filled a splendid mixture of baked beans, beats, apricots, laxatives and sleeping piles. Then they fed as much of it as possible to the donkey. Before the donkey could fall asleep the men led the donkey up to the front porch. They turned the donkey around so its backside was facing an open window and tied it so there was no way it could move. The donkey would fall asleep and then do what a donkey does when fed beans, beats, apricots and laxatives! This would be the best April Fools Day prank the town had ever seen!

As the news of the prank had spread many townsfolk decided to spend the night hiding in a nearby barn as to witness the mornings silliness. It didn’t take long for the action to begin.

At 3:17 am a light popped on Clemper’s bedroom; a few seconds later the living room, and following that the kitchen light popped on where the open window resided. “What the hell!” yelled Clemper as he flicked on the porch light and kicked open the screen door next to the donkey. “What the F$#@ are you doin’ up here, and dammit what IS THAT SMELL!!”

What happened next would put this day on the town’s permanent calendar.

Clemper was mumbling something under his breath as he walked over to the railing where the donkey was tied and untied it. As soon as he gave the rope a little tug the donkey was startled awake. The donkey was totally confused and began to hee-haw and kick. Then, without hesitation had a bowel explosion that splattered all over the house and porch. As the before mentioned items the donkey ate were the primary cause for this, the second round was a bit less then solid then the first and with tremendous force behind it quickly flowed towards the open screen door. Clemper noticed this and quickly ran for the door. Not noticing the slippery substance beneath his feet, Clemper began to lose his balance slipped forward. Trying to quickly catch his balance he continued to lose his balance but this time he fell backwards towards the donkey’s back side. All of his weight was on the side of the donkey and when he went to brace himself on the donkey, Clemper’s hand slid across the donkey's backside and his fist slid right into the donkey's ass! Not being able to slow down his momentum, gravity continued to pull him downward but the position of his arm was not going to give and the fall broke his arm.

So there lay Clemper...on his knees and unable to stand, covered in donkey-doo with his arm raised over his head and his fist......stuck up his Ass.

The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

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Inflatable Doll Company Recalls Thousands of “Mary Dolls” Because of STD

Magnetic Paint in Yankee Stadium Bleachers Causing Home Run Derby In Stadium

Man Decides To Live Every Day As If It Were His Last – Arrested After Just 2 Hours

Democrats in Uproar Over Louisiana Governor’s Flatulence During Obama Discussion

Tired of Junk Mail in Your Mailbox? Group Fights Back!

The First Dog is a Leg Humper

New ShamWow® Toilet Paper Introduced. ShamGross!

Adopted Rabbit Searches Blood Line - Proves Easter Bunny Is Dad

Streaker at Augusta Removes Tiger's Ball From Fairway - With His Butt Cheeks

Inspired By Obama Visit - Queen Visits Local Basketball Courts

Using Human Feces in Mulch Closes Eco-Friendly Landscape Company

April Fool’s Day Prankster Gets His Fist Stuck Up His Ass

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