The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008: November 2008

Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Inflates Incorrectly - Ronald McDonald Balloon Reveals his "Private Parts".

In what is going down as the biggest embarrassment in the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade, an inflation malfunction or a design malfunction on the Ronald McDonald balloon has many in an uproar. The malfunction in the balloon reveals the popular clowns private area and gives the appearance of him having a bulge in his neither-region.

As each balloon is carefully inspected and during rehearsal inflated, the assumption is a malfunction in the balloon itself must have occurred on the final inflation on Thanksgiving Day. Everything had gone perfect in rehearsals so no one bothered to re-inspect the balloon before entering the streets of Manhattan for the parade, or at the very least to look up.

It didn't take long to realize what had happened as the thousands of people lining the streets were pointing up at the Ronald McDonald balloon; many in hysterics, many diverting children's eyes, and many disgusted. Due to all of the networks, the advertising and the performances all being on a perfectly timed schedule there was nothing that could be done but to proceed with the parade and continue down the assigned route. No one has yet to claim responsibility for the incident and it is still unclear whether this was truly a malfunction or a very well thought out and well put-together prank.

Either way there is only silence coming from the Macy's and McDonald's camps up to this point.

New 4 Light Traffic Light Experiment a Success or Failure?

Over the next couple of years the 3-light traffic light system as we know it today may come to an end. Enter the 4-light traffic light system introducing the new "Orange" light. Not only will the new lights have 4 colors, but the traditional green to yellow to red order (which will now be green to yellow to orange to red) will also be reversed. "It's like being at the start line of a drag race!" said one excited driver. "I'm not one for speeding off the start line, but it actually adds excitement to waiting at the red light." What he is referring to is the new reverse light sequence. While waiting at the red light the stopped traffic will see the orange light appear, then the yellow and then the green. The green light traffic will show green then yellow then orange then red.

"In our test cities we have already noticed a decrease in traffic light accidents." says the experiments founder, Sharon A. Burger. "If this new light structure passes I think we will see a significant change in how we drive not just around the country but maybe the world!"

The latest research that was made public a few days after the initial interviews has cast a shadow over the proposed system. Speeding tickets have increased in the test area, specifically around the new lights. Officer Mike Rotch explains. "Engines are being revved at these lights by a good percentage of the teen and early twenty drivers; almost like they are getting ready for a race. You can notice skid marks at almost all of the new lights because drivers are accelerating quickly and in some instances spinning their tires."

There have also been a number of drag races reported at these lights and a few accidents resulting. With this news Burger is a very disappointed. "The scenario had come up in our initial discussions but we didn't think there would be so many instance. It's like everyone thinks they are Mario Andretti; I just can't believe this!"

Although disappointed Burger wasn't going to give up. "It's obvious the initial excitement has caused a few instances that are regrettable. We still feel that this can be successful and we hope that our next test area people will have a little more restraint and realize this is for their safety, not entertainment."

News Flash! Telemarketers Get Hung Up On - Research Unreliable.

They call you at dinner time. They call when you are putting the children to bed. They call just when you are heading into the bathroom. You rush to the phone to see "UNKNOWN" flash up on the caller ID. Is it them or is it important call? You answer the phone but no one is there. You say "hello" again and a second later the voice says, "Is Mr. Jones home please" and you instantly know who it is. The dreaded telemarketer.

With new technology telemarketers now have computers dial for them and they just await the answer of the recipient. People are more and more aware of the silence on the other end of the and most just hang up. The Do Not Call List idea seems to have gone the way of the Do-Do but at the least there is some warning when the calls come in.

So who are the people who actually talk to the telemarketers and how reliable is the research?

One telemarketer spoke to us and said that 950 calls are placed on the average by each employee everyday, and he says he speaks to half but is hung up on by 97% of the time. Out of the 3% who answer 2% don't even make it by the setup question. "We have two questions we ask that can determine if the person who has answered the phone is really honest or just desperate to talk to someone." says Bob Dover, "Although, even if they answer the setup questions wrong we still keep them on the phone....just for fun! That's my favorite part of the day."

Many telemarketers say they actually enjoy disrupting peoples lives and laugh often by the remarks that people make. "I am writing a book" says one of the female telemarketers, "You won't believe what some people say! I just love it!"

The most startling piece of information is that most of the marketing that is done by telemarketers is unreliable and the agencies know this. Dover added, "It's part of what America is (telemarketing). Everyone knows what we are and what we do and this country would lose part of it's character if telemarketing went away." He than finished by saying, "We'll keep on doing it just to keep this country alive. Telemarketing is a way of life.....it's what America is built on."

First Documented Case of Ad-Clicking Addiction

Meet Charlie: Charlie is an ordinary person. He has a full time job, a family and a dog. He loves his life and everything about it, but Charlie has a problem; Charlie is addicted to clicking on Internet advertisements and because of this, and to his dismay, he has begun therapy. "There is nothing wrong with me!" Charlie insists. "That's what they are there for, why else would they be so inviting."
Dr. Iona Frisbee of the Billing Psychiatric Ward says this is a common reaction to addicts. "Denial is always the first sign there is a problem" he explains, "It's just like gambling addicts; they all think it's okay but in reality it's a disease."
Charlie doesn't see it that way. He actually feels he is doing a service. "Most people don't realize that each of those adds give the website holder revenue when they are clicked on. So not only am I learning about a product I was unaware of before, I am also putting money in the website holders pocket. It's kind of like paying for something that I am using. Sometimes I even click on ads even if I'm not interested in the product, I just feel like giving someone some extra cash and it doesn't cost me a penny!"
Charlie's wife agreed that at first she didn't mind, "..but after a while we were getting all sorts of stuff in the mail. We have Rosetta Stone for five languages...he can't even speak English that well."
There are many sides to this argument as there are for many addictions, but Dr. Frisbee says he will keep Charlie under close supervision. "I hope others out there with Charlie's condition will come forward" says Dr. Frisbee, "It's an addiction and they should feel comfortable seeking help."

Flight Continues with Broken Armrest

It was a routine flight. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats in an orderly fashion. The flight attendants went through their safety routine, the cabin door was shut and the plane taxied and took off. Not one person noticed the armrest on seat 14a.
The plane was an Embrair Class jet where the left side of the plane was a single row of seats. This made seat 14a a window and an aisle seat, normally a luxury; this time a potential hazard.
The passenger not taking notice of this prior to take off could have averted a potential disaster if he had paid attention before dozing off.
The problem with the armrest on seat 14a was almost unimaginable in this day and age. With all of the technology we have at out disposal you would hope nothing like this would ever happen. The armrest at seat 14a was that it was missing completely appearing as if someone had purposely removed it! The unknowing passenger in 14a who was so peacefully at rest was in serious jeopardy if he swayed ever so slightly to his right potentially falling into the aisle and disrupting the in-flight routine.
Just in front of seat 14a (seat 13a) a passenger attempting to activate his reading lamp was shocked to find that not only did the light not work, it was missing completely! If the reaction had been anything but that of calmness and discipline it is unknown what type of affect this could have had on the passenger in 14a. With the right set of circumstances one of about a thousand scenarios could have taken place. Luckily the flight continued without disruption and the plane landed safely at Dulles International airport. The plane was sent for immediate repair and it is unknown when it will be re-commissioned.

Japanese Whalers Admit Their Job Sucks

Since the 17th Century Whaling has been a huge part of the Japanese culture. Even with the rest of the world against the hunt and many organizations struggling to save the whales to keep them from extinction, the Japanese embrace the fact that they have all of the whales to themselves and keep on killing.

Until recently most of the world labeled these hunters as evil and inhumane (which they are), until recent research found that most whalers are listed as unemployed with no other options.

"私はお金を必要とする" said Xi Jun, a whaler for the last six months. He finished by saying, "私はクジラを殺さなければならない"

Several Whalers that we spoke to admitted that whaling was a horrible way to make a living and they should all be struck down with a bolt of lightning and burned to a crisp. Although in their country whaling is considered honest work, and honest work translates to 正直な支払. Our response to this was mature and very well thought out;

"Translate this murderers!"

We were very surprised when speaking to one whaler who wanted to remain anonymous but had something interesting to say. To say the least he was of the funniest yet most insightful men we have ever spoken to. He said "ゾーンに続きなさい! より多くのtwinkiesを食べなさい!"

Life has never seemed so simple.

Uneaten Halloween Candy put Hospitals in Financial Hardship.

Hospitals all around the United States are finding themselves in financial trouble after over-estimating their financial goals for October and November. When hospitals put together budgets for the year one thing always is a constant; Halloween will always bring in increased dollars. Children overeating their candy and getting sick, candy that was spoiled and even in several locations candy with some type of poison. There are also the party goers who drink too much, fights and other adult-type disturbances that go along with the holiday fun. Whatever the incident hospitals will always over staff Halloween night and the days that follow. The last few years there has been a significant drop-off to the candy related incidents and because of this the hospitals have been spending more then they have been making and many people have lost their jobs because of this.

"Parents seem to be taking more interest in what their children are eating." Says one hospital Administrator. "It's great for the children's health, obesity in our youth is at an all time high. Great for the kids, not so great for hospitals. We are a business you know."

Another anonymous hospital Administrator said that even though the last few years has had a drop off in candy related admissions, Halloween is on it's weekend run (this year a Friday and next year on a Saturday) so that always increases their admissions. "We should be okay for the next few years and when Halloween falls during the week we will re asses our yearly goals."

Every Administrator we spoke to wished to remain anonymous although each of them had almost the exact same thing to say.

KFC Will Offer Full Fried Chickens for Thanksgiving

Throw away the turkey grandma, KFC is taking over! In an announcement that may change the face of Thanksgiving, KFC will now offer a complete four-person Thanksgiving Dinner for only $29.95. "We decided that it was time for the holiday to change a bit" said Justin Voorhees, the new CEO of KFC, "Turkey has ruled the roost since the days of the Pilgrim. That's about to change. We are going to take twenty pound chickens and deep fry the whole thing. Biscuits, potatoes, cranberry, stuffing and pumpkin pie, all the fixins!" When we asked him what prompted the decision Voorhees said that the economy has people cutting back and the traditional holiday meal is not affordable to many. "If you went out and purchased all the normal items that goes with a turkey dinner you can spend from $200 -$2,000 dollars if not more!" Vorhees explained. "Anyone who wants all those fabulous herbs and spices they have grown to love over the years, mixed in with a Thanksgiving feast then pre-order your meals by November 22nd and not only will you get a fabulous meal but it's affordable as well!"

The KFC farms have been beefing up thousands of their finest chickens for this event and they are estimating that the demand may be higher then what they can produce. "Order early" Voorhees says, "There are only a certain number of these succulent, juicy chickens that can be ordered you don't want to miss out."

James Bond's Daniel Craig caught 'stirring' his martini - causes disturbance

If it wasn't bad enough with the recent horrible reviews for his latest stint as James Bond, Daniel Craig was recently videoed 'stirring' a martini at a local pub in Manhattan. Craig, realizing his mistake and noticing that he was being videoed, abruptly rose from his corner table flipping the table on its side. Simultaneously he reached into his inside pocket and pulled a small round object out smashing the object on the floor in the middle of the pub. The object began to smoke profusely instantly filling the pub with a think white gas; many customers dove to the floor taking cover. Craig then pressed a button on the side of his watch shooting a small wire into a cross-beam and swung across the pub snatching the video camera out of the patrons hands landing on the far end of the bar. He then jumped down and while crouching stuck a small amount of C4 putty on the exit door with a timer that he quickly set to 5 seconds and dove back over the bar taking cover. The door exploded and Craig quickly left the bar running backwards, and with both hands shaped like guns he pretended to fire bullets over every one's head while yelling "Bang! Bang!"
Running at full speed Craig clicked his key chain opening the sunroof on his white Lotus and leaping over the rear bumper through the sunroof landed in the drivers seat and sped off in a flash! He sped around the corner and down to the pier where he drove the Lotus off the end plummeting it into the sea. The police were called to the scene but upon their arrival Craig was long gone. The police are going to send divers down to where the Lotus entered the sea but one has to assume the Lotus he was driving transformed into a submarine and Craig is long gone.
If anyone sees a white Lotus out in the ocean that's probably Craig and you are asked to contact the Coast Guard immediately.

TAG! You're it!

Unbeknownst to The Zone a couple of followers were plotting against him. They would approach in a normal fashion, commenting on a story or sidebar and then, when no one was looking....SMACK!! They tagged him and ran off never to be caught. The only evidence of the 'Tag' was a note. This note had rules that had to be followed to the letter. Did he know what that meant.....no. After some research the tag-ee learned the following: This event requires the tag-ee to list a few things about themselves and then sneak up on other and 'tag' them unexpectedly.

The tag rules are as follows:
1. Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. I can only tag 4 so there is some leeway there.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they have been tagged and to read your blog.

He had no choice; he followed the rules as best he could:

My family is first; my home is my castle; my wife is my best friend.
I love yard work...really!
I am a die hard New York Jets fan.....really!
I love my job.....really!
Every episode of the Simpson's makes me laugh!
If I can take a nap I will; although it never happens.
I am very simple and I amuse myself often. I think I'm pretty funny.
If I haven't seen something (like heaven or a UFO or Big Foot) I don't really believe in it. Once I see it I'll believe it.>

Now that the list has been completed freedom again rings! Now to continue the game and please, the rules clearly state NO TAG BACKS!

The Twinkey Zone apologizes in advance and hopefully you will still come back and visit.

The following have now been tagged:

mzfresh at http://lysetteisfresh.blogspot.com/

Marcy at http://marcydrivel.blogspot.com/

Joe Arena at http://theabsolutearena.blogspot.com/

Darth Rob at http://crazylifeomine.blogspot.com/

IT CAN'T BE! Service Station Manger stops selling gas by tenths of a cent!

It has never been explained but also never questioned; gas prices displayed and sold by the tenth of a cent. But in a small town outside of Burlington, Vermont the new owner of Gladstones Corner Market has made a change and many are calling him an innovator and some deeming him as a hero.

Rufus Davidson purchased Gladstones just as gas prices were climbing and the demand for gas was decreasing because of this. Gas prices were the topic of almost every conversation and Davidson said he grew tired of gas prices being referred to incorrectly. "I would always here folks talkin' 'bout the cost of gas and the price. For example a customer would say "I can't believe gas is $3.95 a gallon" when actually in was $3.95 and 9/10 which is basically $3.96."

This led to Davidson making the change.His dilemma was to round the price up or down. With the economy the way it is rounding down would lose him money. Rounding up would make his gas prices look higher then his competitors even though it would only be one-tenth of a cent. "I was havin' what some may call a conundrum" said Davidson. "My first real managerial test...and it was a lulu!" He decided to round up and to his surprise many took immediate notice and many praised the change. "I never did understood dat" said Cletus Buford, a local who was purchasing gas. He continued, "Seemed perty darn silly if ya ask me.......oh ya, you just did."

Davidson's change in price has actually increased his sales and many who these days have to be strict in their budgets are pleased. "It's much easier to do the math" one anonymous purchaser told us.

"I actually have more customers now then I did before" Davidson concludes, "I guess it was the right decision."

C.P Trombley summed up what most locals are feeling. "If I can quote the great Ted Theodore Logan," Trombley continued, "Most unprecedented Rufus...most unprecedented."

Jealous Best Man Stops Wedding

James always loved her from afar. Her beauty was greater then any he knew and he would tremble whenever she was near. He spent time with her often and his desire for her was overwhelming. Her smell, her walk, her being......but this was a forbidden love; a love that he could not ever speak of to anyone. The woman he so desired was his none other then his best friends fiancé, and his friendship was a bond that should not ever be broken and he wished not to ever break.

The wedding day was now upon them and he used all of his strength to manage. He was being honored by his friend and became his best-man, although it pained him something furious. The preparation, rehearsal dinner, and seeing her in a wedding dress was about all he could handle. He could not profess his love for her yet he could not let the wedding happen, at least not on this day. His plan was not a good one, but it was a plan nonetheless.

Watch Video:

New NASA Public Viewing Satellite shut down after 14 hours.

Since the release of software like Virtual Earth and Google Earth people from all over the world have been searching for and asking for a live satellite feed to watch instead of just a satellite photo that is over three years old. With NASA's popularity on the decline and funding being put on the back-buner because of the economy, NASA decided to make one of their Earth viewing satellites available for public use for a small hourly fee.

To get this project off the ground NASA privately went through thousands of email requests from those desiring a public real-time satellite feed. They entered all of the names into a lottery-type software system and then let the lottery program run. They took the first one hundred names to use as their test-pool.

The first five people on the list were called an informed of the news but were ordered not to speak of it to anyone. NASA created a simple navigation program that was easily downloaded onto a PC so the customer would only require basic navigation skills to maneuver the satellite. The satellite's abilities that would be under the customers control would be limited and basic. The customer would choose their hour block(s) by where the satellite would be located in the sky so each user could have their own unique experience and view the part of the world that they chose. Their fee; $75 per hour. It didn't take very long to realize this experiment was a mistake and the operation was shut down after fourteen short hours.

As with all satellite feeds there is a constant stream that can be viewed and stored for security measures. When the tapes from the first public satellite user were viewed the NASA officials were shocked. Billy-Bob Watson had the luck of the draw and had the first opportunity to use the system. His first target happened to be a nudist colony. His second target was his neighbors house; specifically her bedroom. "Woooohooo!" exclaimed Watson, "It was awesome! That there satellite can see a grain of sand on the beach...and other stuff too if you know what I mean....WOW!"

Two hours after Watson's viewing came Suzanne Ofterson. Turns out she thought her husband was cheating on her. She followed her husband's every move with the satellite for three hours and when he entered the home of the woman she though he was having an affair with, she drove over there and shot at them. Luckily no one was hurt. During the investigation Ofterson admitted to using a satellite and when the officers contacted NASA the operation was immediately shut down. Several NASA officials are now under investigation.

Controversial Restaurant serves "Cute, furry" animals

Meet Fluffy:
Fluffy was born on September 14th, 2008 and was the softest and whitest of the litter. She hops, plays and is wonderfully furry and plump. She has been on a strict diet of lettuce, carrots and whole milk. Her pink eyes will melt your heart. Fluffy will go nicely with our stuffing which features toasted pecans and chunks of apple in a soft, moist bread base. Fluffy can be served medium well to well done.
This is just one example of the menu at "Cuteness" a recently opened restaurant in the Los Angeles area that has caused a little controversy. Each menu consists of a photo and a bio of each animal and reservations have to be made at the minimum of a month in advance. The entrees vary from small cute bunnies, hamsters & ducklings to the larger family meals that consist of fawns & calves.
Menu's have to be requested and are received in a gold envelope with a personalized touch. Once the meal has been selected the future diners must put down a $500 deposit and return their selections. Two weeks prior to the reservation the diners are required to travel 40 miles outside of the city to a farm. This farm is where all of the animals reside and the diners are required to spend the day with their future meal. Caring for, feeding, walking and bathing are a few of the activities that are scheduled for the day. Once the day has been completed the future diners decide whether to keep the reservation or take the animal home. A contract is signed prior to the farm visit that states a decision to either not keep the reservation or not taking the animal home will result in a $10,000 fine. This allows the restaurant owners to protect themselves against those who may try and undermine their process and keep the animal activists at bay.
"There is nothing wrong with what we are doing. There are many restaurants that do much worse. We care for the animals and treat them with respect" says the owner Paulie Butcher. "Our guests get a unique experience. Many find it wonderful that they can bond with and even thank the animal before they dine. It can be very emotional".
Although many groups have been protesting it hasn't stopped Cuteness from operating successfully and they are currently booked through June of 2009. Entree prices range from $450-$9,200 and is given three-and-a-half out of four stars.

Governor Palin Refuses to Concede

It was a hard campaign that was supposed to end after Senator McCain called Senator Obama to concede and congratulate him on his victory. It became Obama's night and that should have been the end of the McCain/Palin Ticket; this was until a late night phone call coming into Obama's headquarters from the Governor that had many scratching their heads. Palin told Obama's people that she and the Senator again have disagreed on a tactic and she was taking over the campaign and the concession was being revoked. She abruptly hung up the phone and began to call radio and news stations informing that she was to hold her own press conference and is demanding recounts from every state. Palin also informed them that she was going to add another day for voting so anyone who could not vote can have another chance.

At 1:30am this morning Palin stood up behind the podium to a crowd of seven (including her sleeping baby) and one news station.

Looking deshevled and a bit unravled (see photo) she bagan her speech. "I demand a recount!" Palin shouted, punching her fist on to the podium "I'm not a quitter and I won't rest until all votes are counted, okay! I now declare myself as the Republican Presidential Candidate and with this power I am opening all voting stations for another day asking all Republicans who did not vote to get to those polling stations and cast a vote for me! Joe Six Pack, maybe you drank a twelve pack and couldn't make it. I respect you for not getting behind the wheel! Joe the Plumber's, I'm sure you had unexpected calls and had to work late; is this fair? I am giving you the chance to vote. You hockey mom's who had to watch a third overtime game and missed your chance to vote, I feel your pain and I want you to vote too!"

She began to tear up and appeared to be exhausted. She ended her speech with a much lower tone and head hanging low. "Ya know people, I thought you really liked me. So many of you came to see me and support me; I was funny on SNL wasn't I? I really thought that everyone was at my rallies and that Obama just used that Pixar stuff to make it look like he had supporters. It's so warm and sunny down here. I really though we would win.......Boy there are a lot of people in this country." With her arms at her side and head hanging down she slowly disapperred behind the stage.

That was the last time anyone has seen her so we are anxiously awaiting her next appearance.

An Airplane Lands on an SUV!

Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time! One lucky man has a story that will last for generations to come:
All news stations and rescue departments had been warned about the incoming American Airlines Flight #2343. Broadcasts had been non stop on all city media and Internet news stations as well telling everyone to stay off of Highway #1 East.
In an oversight by local officials one on-ramp entrance had not been covered and a lone car made its way onto the interstate. What could have been a tragedy turned out to be one of the most remarkable home videos ever taken...

The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

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Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Inflates Incorrectly - Ronald McDonald Balloon Reveals his "Private Parts".

New 4 Light Traffic Light Experiment a Success or Failure?

News Flash! Telemarketers Get Hung Up On - Research Unreliable.

First Documented Case of Ad-Clicking Addiction

Flight Continues with Broken Armrest

Japanese Whalers Admit Their Job Sucks

Uneaten Halloween Candy put Hospitals in Financial Hardship.

KFC Will Offer Full Fried Chickens for Thanksgiving

James Bond's Daniel Craig caught 'stirring' his martini - causes disturbance

TAG! You're it!

IT CAN'T BE! Service Station Manger stops selling gas by tenths of a cent!

Jealous Best Man Stops Wedding

New NASA Public Viewing Satellite shut down after 14 hours.

Controversial Restaurant serves "Cute, furry" animals

Governor Palin Refuses to Concede

An Airplane Lands on an SUV!

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