The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008: December 2008

An Ode to the Twinkie

Although this is a repeat post it seems relevant as the year draws to an end and the New Year begins. Look to the Twinkie as a metaphor to all that is good and wonderful in the world. Enjoy the poem below and feel free to replace the word "Twinkie" with something you hold dear to your heart. Have a happy and safe New Year.

Oh Twinkie! my Twinkie! How sad I am when you are gone
I hold you in my hands so softly...singing you a song
Your color gleams so gold; my heart have you just won
Your filling oh so sweet till all the cream filling is finally done
Oh Twinkie! my Twinkie! The captain of the shelf.
When all others have expired you remain fresh all by your self
No dust shall enter your domain, until the cellophane tears with ease
Then the eating shall commence with a nice side of Vermont sharp cheddar cheese!

New and "Improved" Fast Food.

As the end of 2008 draws nears the economy problem is still front and center. May companies are cutting costs by any means possible and often people are losing their jobs. The fast food industry is not immune to this and they are attempting to cut-costs without having staff lose their jobs. This has been described as a very "noble" gesture although many feel it's not possible. The companies are trying to take care of their employees as well as the companies future and many have taken notice.
In order to cut costs the latest experiment has been to drop the high cooking costs that use up a large amount of the business dollars. Any way to cut costs in cooking can only be a benefit to each companies continued growth.

Several fast food chains are offering a new type of uncooked sandwich. This sandwich, called the 'mini-chickie' (see photo) may change the way fast-food restaurants prepare their food. By

serving the sandwiches in this manner the fast food companies can reduce the cost of cooking for these delicious little sandwiches and they can even raise the price. The sandwiches hold an "entertainment value" said one manager of a local fast food chain. "It takes the eating of a sandwich to a new level. I think people really enjoy it!"

Each sandwich comes with a drink, bib, fries, extra napkins, a small billy club and a toothpick.

The Funniest Dialogue From a Christmas Movie..EVER!

If you have never seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation then you should go and rent it right away. It is easily in the top 10 of Christmas Movies. One of the funniest portions of the movie is when the lead character, Clark W. Griswold (played by Chevy Chase) is a little upset about his Christmas bonus. Below is the text dialogue and if you would like to listen to to it click here http://www.box.net/public/hgqmqmje9i

Merry Christmas!

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me. I have one……..I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap lying no-good rotten four-flushing low-life snake-licking dirt-eating inbred overstuffed ignorant blood-sucking dog-kissing brainless dickless hopeless heartless fat-ass bug-eyed stiff-legged spotty-lipped worm-headed sack of monkey shit He IS! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

Michael Jackson's Health Fine- He's Just Becoming a Monkey

It shouldn't surprise anyone that Michael Jackson likes monkeys. Over the years it has been reported that he has owned and possibly still owns his own monkey. Bubbles was the most popular monkey that had been photographed with Jackson (see photo). What may surprise most is the main reason behind Jackson's facial changes and why he often keeps his face covered with a scarf. There is only one answer: It has been discovered that he is transforming himself into a primate.

Recent headlines from several magazines and tabloids have written Jackson is ill and may be fighting a life threatening disease. His spokesman came forward and said the rumors are not true and his health is fine. It is now being reported that the reason behind his recent hospital stays are for the final operations to transform him completely into a primate. "Michael wants to run free in the wild as a monkey. It's been his life quest for the last 20 years and he has spent millions in research and surgeries to get this far" says and inside source. "Once the final operation has been completed he will be flown to a discrete location where he will begin hius new life as one with primates. His human existance has been extremely painful as inside Michael is a Monkey. Once the process is complete, with the exception of his human brain, Michael will be a monkey."

Over the years researches have gradually given Jackson medications and surgeries so the primates will recognize him as one of their own. This has been the most diffucuklt task. Jackson also will have his own primate "smell" as over the years his body has been transformed to give off the primate odor; specifically an odor of dominance. This will allow him to fit in to which ever herd he desires. He may have to fight for leadership but he has been trained by the best.

This photo was recently discovered and was determined to be taken about 3 months ago. This clearly shows the near completion of Jackson's transformation. No one has seen Jackson since this photo was released so he may already be living at a zoo or another public primate viewing area adjusting and preparing for his ultimate release, or he may already be in the wild .

Just before the printing deadline this picture was sent in. We determined the image to be just

two days old. When we arrived at the location the Primate Exhibit had been closed down and dismantled. When confronted with the photo we were either ignored or the photo was brushed off as being "Photoshopped". We can neither conform or deny that this is Jackson, but we believe the evidence speaks for itself. Godspeed Michael...Godspeed.

Bristol Palin's Neighbors Cousins First Grade Substitute Teacher's Dog Trainer ARRESTED!

Another blow to Governor Palin's bid for run at the Presidency in 2012 has come to light due to another shady association. It seems that once again the Palin family can't shake the bad publicity, this time because Bristol Palin's neighbors cousins first grade substitute teacher's dog trainer was recently arrested. This was the dog trainers thrid offence for off-leash training in a public park where leash-laws are labeled and enforced. The arrest comes off the states three-strike rule.

"The Palin's just can't catch a break and Sarah really feels she could make a run in 2012" says one insider. "She (Palin) has to realize that her life is still an open book and if she continues to have dark stories from her past, or current associations with "shady" folks it's better to just stop now."

There has been no statement from the Palin Camp but it has to be assumed the news isn't being taken lightly. "Sarah is a perfectionist. Her hair, clothes (borrowed or owned), home; she has to have everything perfect. If it's not perfect she will convince you that it is." Says a former employee of the Governor, "she sure is a good talker."

If a run at the Presidency is in her future Palin really needs to get a grasp of the information that may arise, even more so then her run at the Vice Presidency. An investigator for the Democratic Party says, "Everything is fair-game. If it's out there we will find it, and if she really wants to do this (run for President) then she better turn over all her stones and be prepared to answer."

Largest 5 Year Old Sumo Wrestler Asked to Withdraw from Tournament

It has been questioned in the past but never has a situation like this arisen. Sumo wrestling for young children has always been broken out by age. 5-7 years old, 8-10, 10-12 and so on. A circumstance has come to light this year where the thought of breaking out the divisions by size is in the front court.

Enter Rhashim Kumoko who at the tender age of five has been named the most fearsome of his age group. Kumoko was granted an automatic birth into the semi-finals because of his undefeated record throughout the year. His opponent; the six year old reigning champion Samura Laminiche. Laminiche was no match (see photo) for Kumoko and the youngster luckily came out of the match with only a crushed ego.

As the final match was preparing to begin many parents and officials were conferring on if the

match should actually be allowed. The safety of Kumoko's opponent was the number one concern. Kumoko had never seriously injured someone, but his challenger was known for his persistence, and he would battle hard. As the discussions were taking place the two entered the ring and positioned themselves as two warriors would. Staring at each other the referee then entered the ring. The the three awaited the decision.

To the surprise off all in attendance Kumoko and his challenger, Yamiska Truseemoto, who also attend school together, arose from their positions and walked slowly towards one another. Stern looks across both of their faces quickly turned into smiles as they both extended their hands simultaneously. Shaking hands, signifying a tie in the match stunned the crowd! The two embraced then together raised their joined hands to the silenced fans.

Seems Kumoko and Truseemoto had planned this from the beginning. If they should make it to the finals the two friends would opt not to fight. Truseemoto did fear that if Kumoko was hungry he might eat him, but luckily this week Kumoko was on a carb-fee diet.

GM & Chrysler Owners Hit the Beaches of Maui

It was a difficult few weeks of begging and pleading but today it all paid off. This morning it was announced that GM & Chrysler would receive $17.4 billion dollars in loans. "We were relieved. It was a major victory" said a GM spokesman, "but we instantly realized that because of the way the books are handled at both companies that $17.4 was not a nice even number. We prefer 5's and 0's."

Accountants from GM & Chrysler met today at 8:45 a.m. and determined the money would best be split by 17. "This gives each company 8.5 billion. A much nicer number." This left .4 billion unaccounted for. By 9:00am a private luxury jet was fully catered and fueled. Accountants, executives and their families boarded the aircraft at 9:07 a.m. for a two week "business" trip to Maui.

While boarding the luxury liner a reporter caught up to them and asked one executive why they felt now was the best time to leave. The Executive was half way up the plane stairs and shouted, "We have a lot of work to do. We need to make sure each penny of the $17 billion is spent wisely so we can get through this down-time. Jobs will be lost, salaries will be reduced. Together we can squeeze each penny to its fullest but we need time. See you next year!"

It was also reported that the executives received a handsome holiday bonus along with a new Lexus. One factory worker who found out his salary was cut by a third and holiday bonuses for most were not available was shocked at the news. "I can't believe they didn't get American cars."

About an hour after the flight took off, all GM and Chrysler factories received the following fax from about 32,000 feet.

"As we prepare to sit down to a wonderfully catered meal on this flight that costs about $12,000 a minute to operate, so we can discuss the difficult days ahead, we have to pause and think of our loved ones. Everything we do is as a family, and as a family our companies will survive. So when you punch in on December 25th and work a shift and a half while receiving less pay just know that you are doing it for the family. As a gift to you all we will be ordering 7 pizzas for each factory. Please let the hungriest eat first. Happy Holidays."

New York Yankees Offer Madonna 1 Year $12 Million Dollar Contract

The New York Yankees have made yet another offer to a high-profile individual to assist in the ever growing cast of characters they are buying this off-season. Although this time the contract isn't being extended to a ball player but to a musician.

Madonna is reported to be in conversations with the Yankees front office negotiating a contract that will keep her with the Yankee slugger, Alex Rodriguez. Rodriguez and Madonna have recently opened up about their relationship and ever since Rodriguez's off season training has been over the top. "He's smiling, his skills as a third baseman are elevating and he is hitting the ball better then ever" one coach said.

Those who follow the Yankees, especially Rodriguez, understand how fragile his personality is. One Yankee player told us, "Alex puts a lot of pressure on himself, and when he isn't performing well it's hard for him to resurface. When he's happy he is at his best".

Ever since he began dating Madonna his attitude is better then ever and the Yankees have taken notice.

The Yankees have a lot of money invested in Rodriguez and they are obviosly willing to spend a little more to insure the deal. Although most people feel the relationship between Madonna and Rodriguez is "yucky" it can't be overlooked on how well he is playing.

Part of the $12 million does have performance bonuses built in. "Madonna is no amateur negotiator. She knows what she wants and how to get it."

It is being reported that there are added bonuses for Rodriguez batting over 300 for the year, having over 40 home runs, over 40 stolen bases and post season play. Totals that could bring the singer another $10 Million.

One inside source said that Madonna knows Rodriguez so well that she can figure out what works best to keep him happy and playing well. "Madonna told us that she knows just what to say or "do" to Alex to maintain his level of happiness. A happy Alex is a performing Alex and that's exactly what the Yankees want from this contract."

There has been no confirmation from the Yankees as of now, but inside sources tell us an announcement could come as soon as January 2nd.

Holiday Turkeys Go On Strike

In a most unexpected turn of events turkeys have gone on strike. Using some kind of communication that humans are unable to detect turkeys have been somehow communicating. At midnight on December 17th farms from around the world were in chaos! Turkey's attacking their handlers, protest signs on display and many turkey's appear to be fasting so they don't get plump and juicy. It is assumed that because this weekend many turkeys will be losing their life do to the Christmas Holiday next week that the timing of this for the turkeys is perfect.

Farmer Ted Blund was dumbfounded. "They picked the exact day that this would hurt us most. We pride ourselves on well fed turkeys killed gently and quickly. If we can't resolve this soon we may have to get the shotgun. That's pretty messy but right now many of the turkeys violent."

It seems that the turkeys, although aware of their timely deaths are wanting a more full life: Better food, more free time, and the Toms (male turkey) want private time with the hens.

There also is a question of when and where the beheading's take place. For decades it was thought that the killings be done publicly to make the turkey's aware of who the masters are. This may also be a factor in the strike and the farmers will need to bring this to a resolution quickly. If they don't their reputations of delivering quality meat may be at jeopardy. Surly they will have a lot of unhappy customers.

"I am most impressed with their signs then anything else. I thought turkeys were stupid but I haven't found a misspelling yet." said Blund. "And where did they get the materials for the signs? I don't have anything like that on the farm. There was a dent in my pickup truck that I have never seen before, and come to think of it there were a few feathers in the drivers seat...."

However the turkeys managed to put everything together it is clear they are smarter then anyone ever realized. "Whatever happens there is one thing for sure" said Bund "These turkeys may be smarter then we originally thought but they will always be tasty! See that little bast#%d over there? I'm gonna shoot him and then I'm gonna eat him!"

Man Declines Vista User Agreement During Install - Buys a Mac

It the first reported case ever, a man claims to have read the entire Terms & Conditions Agreement during his Windows Vista installation and hit 'Decline'.

Jerry Atrick, a former lawyer says he has recently been more and more curious and cautious about the information in User Agreements. "I have worked many cases with people making complaints to companies regarding a variety of issues. Some people getting unknown charges on credit cards, never ending junk email and junk regular mail; the list goes on and on." Atrick said that most of these cases had Terms & Conditions where the client had to hit 'Accept' or 'Decline'. "It's amazing to me how many people will accept something without reading it. Every case that was like this was not winnable and we never went to court. Some people lost thousands of dollars."

As a lawyer Atrick was accustomed to reading everything in detail before signing or accepting but even he admits that while on his computer, when downloading programs, even he on occasion just clicked 'Accept'. "Most of the time these disclaimers basically are telling you not to copy, sell or distribute the software and some other legal statements to cover themselves" Atrick explains, "But you should always take the time to read these. You never know."

When Atrick was recently upgrading his Windows XP to Windows Vista he was shocked what he read. "Has anyone really read though the entire Microsoft Vista upgrade Terms & Conditions? As a lawyer I am accustomed to taking all possible angles of interpretation and I swear to you there is a part of the Vista T & C that insults my mother!" Atrick continued, "There were other items listed that were so vague I just couldn't continue with the installation. I am still in the process of trying to get refunded but there may have been a something in the T&C that screws me of that as well!"

Atrick has since purchased an Apple Computer and says he feels much better about it.

There has been no comment as of yet from the Microsoft Company.

Red Nosed Deer Killed During Hunt

Parents around the world are having to explain to their children why someone may have killed the beloved Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

A hunter was shocked by what he saw when he came up on the young deer that he had just shot and killed. "It was a perfect morning, the sun had just come up and the cold temperature gave the surface of the snow a nice crunch." said avid hunter Paul B. Onion, "I was in my tree stand and heard him coming. I watched with excitement as he walked right into my clear line of sight. The deer position was perfect so I shot him." Onion continued, "He went right down so I didn't have to to any tracking. As I approached the deer I noticed that the sun was just breaking through the trees and a ray of light shown upon his head. Imaging my surprise when I looked at his face to see a nose that was much closer to red then black. My instant reaction was 'HOLY S%$! I killed Rudolph!' This may sound corny but with the sun shining on his face the way it was, looking at his nose I would have even said it glowed!"

When Onion brought the deer into his local checkpoint it was obvious he wasn't the only one who made the Rudolph claim. A few even diverted some of the children's eyes who were present. "The red nose was the first thing everyone noticed."

The Game Warden tried to calm some people's nerves by making a statement. "It is obvious that the red on this deer nose is not genetic but more of a result from a fight or a fall and the nose was damaged and the result is apparent." That wasn't enough to hinder one news paper to title their article as "Rudolph is Dead!" This caused an immediate uproar and there has been no comment as of yet from the paper.

"I ended up taking a black permanent marker and coloring the deers nose before bringing it home. I have two young children at home." Onion said. "It was all I could think of to do." Onion concluded, "All I know for sure is that I'm praying there isn't a snowstorm on Christmas Eve.....just in case."

GPS Satellite Glitch - Gas Stations Swarmed with Lost Travelers

Just when you thought it was safe to rely on your GPS navigation system a glitch in a satellite for one GPS company has caused hundreds, if not thousands of drivers to get lost. The glitch in the satellite programming basically flipped the internal compass so north was south and east was west. The problem was discovered after a few hours but because this occurred from 7am to approximately 11:00am EST many people were lost or delayed, packages arrived late, several accidents actually occurred and many cars ran out of gas looking for a service stations.

"I had a 10:00am meeting in Freeport, Maine" said Sue Flay. "I left my home in Lowell, MA and didn't realize I was going in the wrong direction until I went by a sign that said 'Welcome to Rhode Island'! I missed my meeting and I could lose my job."

Lieutenant Smithe of the NYC Police Dept says, "..too many people rely 100% on these devices, when even the sellers of these GPS units have warnings that state they are not liable for faulty information." He added, "Even with online maps that people print, those are not totally reliable either. You should always have a backup plan and be aware or your surroundings. If you can't decipher between North and South and your automobile doesn't have a compass, bring one with you. Even though we are in the technology age you are safest carry some old fashion items like a compass and a map just in case".

It was also reported that gas station lines were extremely long with people looking for directions during this crises. Some lines were over an hour long!

"My GPS device gets me lost even when there isn't a glitch in the system." says Jim Corncriker. "I still stop by gas stations all the time even though I spent $300 bucks on this stupid thing!"

As many still know to this day you can always rely on your friendly gas/service station attendants if you are lost. Many still feel it's the most reliable way to find your destinations when you are lost.

"Porno Snowman Sculptor" Strikes Again!

In a small, quiet town just outside of Hartford, CT there have been incidents that have shocked and disturbed this quiet community and put this town on the map but for all the wrong reasons. Every couple of days residents are awaking to snowman sculptures where the snowmen are posed in obscene positions. These sculptures are being found all around town and no pattern or suspects have been found.
"Why would someone do this" exclaimed one shocked resident who woke up one morning to a yard sculpture that no one in her family had created. "My children are asking all kinds of questions that I'm not prepared to answer! Mommy! What game are the snowmen playing! Mommy! Is that the game I saw you and daddy playing? It's horrible! This person must be stopped"
Another outraged towns person was even more horrified by something else the sculptor has been doing. "Oh my God! I can't believe he signs his sculptures with his urine. That's disgusting!" That is the only lead that investigators have, that the sculptor is a male.
Not only is this person creating obscene sculptures but they are showing up in parking lots, residential yards and even on the front steps of the police station.
"This individual is getting very daring and it's just a matter of time before someone sees him" says Officer Nicholas Clause. "He may think he is a prankster, but he is violating several laws and will be fined and detained."
Whatever the outcome these incidents have made national and international news and this small and innocent town now has a gray cloud hovering over it. "As soon as the man is found, the sooner we can get back to some normalcy. This is not the kind of Christmas this town was planning on."

Man's Pants Don't Fit - His Ass Is Too Big

We all love snacks, sweets and the feeling of a full belly can be wonderful. This time of year we indulge in many tasty treats as the Holiday Season is among us. Many of us are also entering the coldest time of the year when our activity levels decrease because we are often staying indoors. Although many find this time of year wonderful for the before-mentioned reasons, many will also pack on a few pounds as a result and most with discomfort and guilt. This is especially true for one man named Phillip H. Ead's.

Ead's was dressing for his annual company Holiday Party. Every year he wears the same suit with the red shirt and musical Christmas tie. He loves this suit as he had it custom made several years prior. This year there was a problem, and it just so happens to be a problem that many of us have faced. A tight top button.

His first though was to the dry cleaner. They shrunk his suit; those bastards! This anger quickly passed as he realized he never sent the suit to the cleaners after last years Holiday Party and he never had time to get it cleaned this year.

Second thought: The closet must have some kind of moisture leak...maybe from a bathroom vent. This caused the suit to get damp and dry out several times. This would surely lead to suit shrinkage. He quickly retrieved a pair of pants from the same closet and surly enough those pants were tight as well.

He decided the only option he had was to purchase a new pair of pants so he hopped in the car and headed into town. He found his favorite suit store, gave the clerk his measurements and tried on a pair or pants. Then he tried on another pair, and another. They were all tight. He accused the clerk of giving him the wrong sizes...she didn't. And it wasn't his waist that was the problem; it turned out that after 35 years of a nice girlish figure over the last year Ead's seems to have grown himself an ass. Much to his dismay he had gained about 10 pounds as well.

This being the time of year for indulgence, Ead's has decided to go on a diet for his New Year's Resolution.

Drunk Santa Steals Reindeer - Delivers Gifts

It was a picture-perfect day for Santa to make his Holiday entrance. The temperature was just right, the snow was gently falling and Christmas music was being piped gently through hidden speakers strategically placed all around the small park. Children of all ages were gathering for the evening arrival of Jolly Old St. Nick.
The smallest awaited for him anxiously, many preparing their wish lists and gathering up the courage to sit on the big guys lap.

Finally he arrived! Walking through the crowd with a giant sack thrown over his shoulder. He was waving and bellowing a "Ho! Ho! Ho!" to all. Many cheered and children stood on their tip-toes to see the man in red.

Not one person realized that this Santa was an impostor.

Earlier in the day Earnie Binkens was sitting at his local pub drinking with a few friends. Binkens had lost his job and was feeling down. Someone suggested that giving presents, no matter how small, could be therapeutic and maybe that was something he should consider. After several more drinks Binkens mind wandered and without notice he arose from his seat and quickly left the bar.

As he was walking around he noticed a Santa Suit hanging on the outside of a trailer in a make-shift tree lot. He grabbed the suit and ran.

As Binkens walked by the children waving he noticed a fenced in area that had a few reindeer. He once worked in a rodeo and this gave him an idea. There was a tiny sleigh that had a fake Santa and elves sitting in it. He very gently removed them and dragged the sleigh into the fenced in area, took a rope and attached it to the reindeer's reigns. Then with a smile and wink to the children he yelled "ON BLITZEN!" which startled the reindeer and the deer began to pull the sleigh. Binken's yelled out "Merry Christmas" over and over again, and began to throw out small presents that he had in his Santa sack. He disappeared into the night among cheers and laughter.

The scene was enjoyed by all.

It wasn't for a couple of hours until everything had been put together by park officials and the police. They immediately put out a search for Santa and his sleigh.

Binken's was found several miles away still being pulled by the reindeer and shouting "Merry Christmas" to everyone he saw. He was immediately arrested and the Santa Suit and the reindeer were returned unharmed.

Woman in Traffic Jam Destroys Own Car Over Holiday Music

Unable to turn off her radio because she accidently broke the knob off in the morning, Maryln Jenkins had an overload of Christmas music and she went a bit mental by destroying her car while parked in a traffic jam.
It was a typical Monday morning. Traffic wasn't moving and many morning travellers were handling this traffic jam the same as they had hundreds of times prior; that is everyone except for Jenkins. Her morning didn't start out so typical and little did she know when she woke up this particular morning she would be arrested and go through a psych evaluation all before noon.
It was a very cold morning so Jenkins went outside to warm up her car. Her car was old and it took some time to heat up. When she turned the ignition her hand slipped off the key and she hit the 'on' button for the radio and broke it off. To top it off the volume was the same button and now her radio was stuck in the 'on' position with the volume just a little bit loud. When the car was warm she started on her way, and to make the best of the loud music Jenkins decided to sing along with every song.
After a few miles she ran into a dead-stop traffic jam. No worries for her as she was enjoying her Christmas music, drinking coffee and having a wonderful time.

Two hours passed.

Passengers in other cars later described the scene as frightening.

"The driver door opened at a normal speed" said the driver who was in the car parked behind Jenkins. "She very normally exited the car and walked casually to the trunk. I really though she was just going to get something out."
Well get something out she did.
"She reached in the trunk and dragged out a huge sledge hammer. She pulled it behind her, dragging the sledge portion on the ground with one hand. She then leaned back and to the side and then that sledge hammer went right over her head and she began to smash her car!"

"It was the music" said LT. Swanson. "She couldn't take it anymore. She tried and tried to turn the radio down or off" Swanson continued, "but there was nothing she could do. When she ran out of coffee and still hadn't moved she get very anxious and snapped. It didn't help that she had to go to the bathroom.

It's called Trafficcrazeanemia (tra-fik-craze-a-knee-me-ah) and recently was brought up in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA). It can be very serious. Everyone is lucky it was only the car that she attacked." Jenkins was detained and is currently in a holding cell. Her car was totalled.

Trafficcrazeanemia with the right set of circumstances can afflict anyone. There are signs that you can watch out for. Dr. Zingerdim has been studying this for several years now, and although it's not a perfect science he says the fist sign could be something as normal as a jittery knee or a nervous tick. Becoming easily agitated as well as having the feeling that you are late for something are all signs. Make sure you have no weapons or large objects in your car to minimize damage if you are overtaken by Trafficcrazeanemia.

Unfortunately all of the signs that Trafficcrazeanemia may be affecting you with are all the same signs that most people feel when in a traffic jam. When Dr. Zingerman says the science isn't perfect we can rest assure that is the one thing that is true.

Lost Hiker Survived by Eating His Frozen Nuts

It was a cold night. So cold that one hiker later described the night as so cold, "...my nuts were frozen. So frozen I wasn't sure how I was going to survive." But survive he did.

Separated from his friends during an evening hike, John Wright was no more then a novice hiker. He wasn't dressed for an overnight adventure in the woods, "All I had was my coat, my hat, and of course my nuts." He continued, "I never really thought I would have to eat them, but they are always with me so I guess I just took them for granted."

When Wright realized there was no getting home he decided to find some shelter. The cold air and frozen ground made it impossible for this novice hiker to even try and make a fire so he did the best he could to stay safe. "I curled up with my knees to my chest to stay warm....It helped."

As the night progressed he felt hunger begin to take him over. "I was hungry" Wright explained. Being a physician Wright realized that without nourishment his body could easily slip into hypothermia. "I didn't want to die and getting something in my stomach was imperative. I was hugging the back side of my legs to stay warm and pulling in my legs tight. I felt my nuts and felt instant relief. I would be able to survive". But there was something wrong. "When I felt my nuts I knew instantly that they were frozen. I had to chuckle because it was cold and I had frozen nuts! It sounded a little funny" Wright continued, "I was unable to use my body heat to un-thaw my nuts so I just had to eat them frozen."

Lucky for Wright that Brazil nuts are soft in the middle.

McDonald's to Offer McBambi Burger for a Limited Time

All across the United States and Canada this years Deer Hunting Season (or "Harvest") has seen a record number of kills. Many hunters are reaching their maximum number of deer each season (bow, rifle and muzzle loader) and this has brought to light a potential concern: too much deer meat.
Game Wardens across several States and Provence's have been scrambling to decide what to do with all of the extra meat so that it does not go to waste. A lot is given to shelters but the supply this year overwhelms the demand.

In comes the McDonald's Cooperation with its cape on.

As soon as they caught wind of this the McDonald's Corp. send freezer trucks to every State and Provence that has a deer hunting seasons (and in some cases several trucks) and parked them at popular weighing/check in stations and offered to take any deer, cut up or whole. When one truck fills up another is there waiting so no meat will go to waste.

Introducing the McBambi Burger!

There has been some controversy on not only McDonald's selling deer meat burgers but in the name as well. We were told that originally the burger was going to be called the McVenison Burger, but in there test groups more opted for the McBambi Burger as many found humor in the title and that seemed to attract those who would opt for the burger.
There are many who are disgusted by this and protests in front of McDonald's Headquarters appeared immediately.
"There is no reason for all of the anger." says McDonald's Corp. Representative Roland McDoogle. "All we are doing is gathering excess meat so it doesn't go to waste. We did give a lot of the meat away to the food shelters and believe it or not we had complaints. By freezing and distributing the meat in the same way we do with cattle we are making sure no deer is killed for the sole purpose of just being killed."
"This is an outrage!" exclaimed Betty Grufind. "I refuse to eat anything from McDonald's ever again! They should be ashamed!"
Although there have been many complaints McDonald's is going forward with the McBambi Burger and the burger will be available until the meat is gone.

Toll Booth Attendant Fired For Handing Out Holiday "Beer"!

Suzanne Steeplton had worked for the Florida Transportation Bureau (FTB) for 36 years. She was always on time, would work weekends and holidays when asked, and always had a smile on her face. She was the perfect employee; until now. After 2 short hours of work on December 1st Steeplton was fired for handing out beer to every car that came through. Although many drivers found this very entertaining and had no complaints, when a 16 year old brought home the beer to his mother, the mother was outraged and immediately called the FTB.

A Senior Representative drove up to Steepleton's booth only to be greeted with a smile and handed an icy cold Bud. While mildly amused, the representative closed Steepleton's booth and brought her down to headquarters. She was immediately fired and also arrested for distributing alcohol to a minor.

Steepleton claims her innocence and explained herself with the following statement:

I was participating in the required monthly Toll Booth Attendant's conference where we learned December's motto." At the age of 71, Steepleton was a little hard of hearing and on this day she claims was having trouble with her hearing aids. "I swear that I heard the speaker say the theme of the month was "Holiday Beer", and even though I questioned what I heard I asked my good friend Edith Jones who was sitting next to me if that's what he said. Edith confirmed that the motto was "Holiday Beer" and that we were supposed to be extra pleasant while manning our booths. As a bonus we were all told that whoever displayed the most holiday spirit in their toll booths and delivered the most holiday beer, would receive a brand new car. As you can see I did exactly what I was told!"

Although several people sympathized with her there was no way that she could keep her job but was let go with all her retirement benefits in tact. As for the crime she faced, the prosecutor's offered her a plea deal and she was given a small fine and probation.

It was also reported the the new Anheuser-Busch Company wants to use Steepleton in an upcoming holiday commercial where she will get to hand out beer to passers by in a make-shift toll booth placed in Times Square while dressed up as Mrs. Clause.

NFL Fan Learns He Really Is The Reason His Favorite Team Loses

He doesn't wash his favorite team jersey. On game day he will start to drink his beer exactly 34 minutes prior to kick off. He dresses his children in the exact same outfit as he did the previous Sunday, and he sits in his lucky chair. Why? Because this is exactly what he did last week and his favorite NFL team won their game.

Rituals like this take place all over the world as week after week during the NFL season the helpless fan has an opportunity to do something that will aid in their teams victory or downfall.

Jacob Masters is the self-proclaimed #1 Detroit Lions fan and he personally takes the blame for their 0-12 start to the 2008 season. "I have to work on Sunday" Masters explains. "I can't be consistent week in and week out but I document my every move. The week that they do win I will have the formula for success!"

Frank Stanley's story is the same...but different. "I do everything exactly the same for each game. I sit in my bathrobe with my work boots on but untied. I have a 12-pack of Nattie-Light in a cooler at my feet, I send the wife to the grocery store and I only go to the bathroom at half-time. I even eat the exact same food!" Although Stanley performs the same ritual each week he admits that there is always something that occurs that is different. "Sometimes the phone rings or someone knocks at the door but I think I'm getting close and then I can pass on my findings to others."

We spoke to many who had similar rituals as Stanley and Master's, and at the end of our interviews we asked each one of them the same question, "What if the rituals you perform on game day are not the reason behind your teams win or loss? What if it's what you do on the previous day or maybe the entire week?" Masters punched this reporter in the face and leaped through an open window.

The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

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